Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I haven't been to school in the past two days because of the problems from Monday.
I feel incredibly out of place, agitated, and reluctant to set foot into school.
My psychologist thinks I'm going through a minor breakdown, and says that when these kind of things happen, medication usually can't be of any aid.
It's part of the healing process.
Though he says I've gone a long way since I've been dumped in December.
At least I don't want to kill myself any more.

It's rough, because sometimes I wonder when this roller coaster of emotions will cease.
I've been up, I've been down, I've been all over the place throughout the last year and four months.
Taking different medications, changing plans for my life, derailing and trying to get back on track again.
Depression is a shitload to deal with.
It's irrational, emotional, messes with your mind and your thought process.
In fact, it CONTROLS your thought process.
Every little aspect of your life is tainted one way or another.

I'm upset and disappointed that a lot of the emotions I thought were long gone are starting to resurface again.
Being dissatisfied with my friendships.
Feeling threatened by males.
Wanting to break free of this goddamn town.

Like right now, I feel that I could leave this town and I wouldn't even care a bit about all that I left behind.
And that's worrying.

I wish there was some kind of outlet that would enable me to be free...
Free of myself, free of others.
The internet, as I have found, is not a solution.
Creating feeble friendships with people I've never met doesn't help.
They stop playing the game you're playing, they stop visiting the websites you're visiting.
And then its gone.

Speaking of which, my friend is okay. She probably went through a breakdown, because she came back saying that everything is okay, she doesn't feel like killing herself at the moment, and all that stuff.

Another reason why I will never turn to the internet.
You get your emotions tied up in certain people.
That friend has been my depression buddy for a while, we discuss our problems and such.
And yet if you think about it rationally, I'm worrying over some kid who I've never even met.
It's ridiculous.

And not to mention all of those goddamn desperate teenagers who hit on you.
I just found out that somebody I knew on WoW lied to me about their age. They said they were 13, but earlier, when I used to be better friends with him, he said he was 16.
Not that I would ever get into an internet relationship, since I think they're ridiculous as well.
But I hate being lied to, no matter who the liar is.
And this just leads me back to the fact that I feel uncomfortable around guys atm.
I've never had a guy friend that I haven't had a bad experience with.
It's either the stuff they say, the things they do, or something else.
The only guy friend who I can't blame for anything is my gay friend, but then again he's not a "guy" in my mind. Or in behavior, heh.

I'm just so ******** confused right now...
About my future, about my depression, about school, about the world.

What the hell will become of me?

I really don't know.