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So continuing with my (ridiculously orderly) rant from yesterday

I find myself in a relationship with a guy who...well I just can't see myself being happy with forever. He's exciting and fun and wonderful, but Ender offers security, we get along amazingly, and we know how to co-exist well. sure part of that comes from years of being together, of course we would be more comfortable together, but maybe he was the one. I still love talking to him and I miss him a ton. but at the same time I know I am falling in love with Nialo and that he is for me too. He's actually thinking about a future with me.
I guess that is my biggest problem, I really wanted this thing with Nialo to be fun and crazy and let me see if Ender is really as amazing as he seems or was it just "first love" syndrome? Now Nialo is starting to sound serious on me, yes it's great that it is inspiring him to get some direction and try and get a steady job, and I think he is really regretting his deal with Debra, but at the same time I wish he was thinking like I am. I kinda wish I could plan on this ending by next summer so I could get back together with Ender and spend the summer with him, maybe convince him to move out here and so on.
Damnit he is another boy who changed so much about his life based on me. He was fine with taking another year for college because I would be graduating a year later than him anyways. I just feel like I did so much harm to him dating him, breaking up with him and so on. it's just so hard when the last time I saw him his hair (usually my favorite thing) was awful and he had put on weight. I just feel like I didn't give him much of a chance.
Let's not forget I jumped into be with Nialo after only 4 days of knowing the guy, which, besides labeling me as at least kinda a slut, means I was almsot forcing myself to fall in love with him so as to rationalize sleeping with him.
possibly more later