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ive been doing some serious soul searching lately.
ive realised that my life has never gone the right way.
i have a plan for my life.
but no matter what plan i have, i always end up going the other way with it.
it seems so complicated, yet when i look at the big picture, i feel like im being selfish for some reason. i feel like a bleeding heart.
i told my mom about my future aspirations and she just rolled her eyes. talk about supportive. i really want to go through with this, but unfortunately i ballet dance on the line between adhd and insanity. either way i lean, im screwed. although, insanity is looking far more promising at the moment. i think i hear things. every time i walk into my room, at the oddest moments i will hearing things, almost like someone whispering in my ear, and i know its not ban because she shouts if she wants to be heard, and i know its not brittany because shes never suttle about anything. and my room also at the strangest of times, gets really cold. im beginning to think that im some sort of mediator. i have weird dreams at night which although never make sense later to me, they make perfect sense at the time, and the feelings i get from them almost always make me feel some strong emotion.
i cant concentrate for some reason. i told my mom about it but she dosnt believe me, even though i was on rittalin (however the hell you spell that) for the first 8 years of my life. i really do belive i have some kind of attention dissorder. my mind wanders when i shouldnt which also accounts for some of my shitty grades this past year, that and the fact that i was chronically deprssed through about half of it.
wow, i just realized how futile it all is to try and "fix" my life, it just would be a wasted effort. my mom and i fight incessantly, sometimes its all i can do to restrain myself from banging either her head or mine against a ******** wall. i usually opt for mine.
my hand has finally almost healed. i can still barely bend my 4th finger though. i cant even draw like this and ive been in such an artsy mood lately.
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parker and i have finally decided on the general time period for our first date. i think we might go to a movie. this should be a fairly interesting relationship.
i havent slept yet, its 8:30 in the morning and my mom had to leave at 5 this morning because shes coming to pick me up at 10 o'clock because i have to go and give my deposition. she was going to wake me up at 5 o'clock this morning as well, but i put my foot down and told her to call the house when she wanted me up. i never wake up to the phone, its just impossible for me to do it, so i decided that the best way to wake up early, is just not to sleep at all. i had to play possum when she checked on me before she left, which was interesting because apparently she mutters to herself alot. she walked around my room, picking up a few things and complaining about what a mess my room was. i think she was trying to drop me hints while i was "sleeping", which would explain why sometimes i get the weird urge to clean my room.
this ends my sorrowful session because i have to eat. i havent eaten in almost 2 days. i was hungry when i was at the mall with lauren, but when i got home i wasnt anymore. i do that alot. if im not hungry, then i dont eat. my dog is getting really fat because i almost always give her most of my dinner.
my mom is convinced that im becoming anorexic, although she does the same thing. which also might be true because somehow ive lost over 20lbs since the school year started and none of my jeans fit me anymore. but im choosing to blame that on lacrosse.
so, c'ya when i c'ya.
 redrum and wine · Thu Jun 16, 2005 @ 01:38pm · 1 Comments |
