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The Thoughts That Are Never My Own
And there it is again that feeling of doubt and it takes me into a place I know I’ve only forgotten. Those daydreams can’t mean nothing, those empty hallways were not created by my mind. I know, I’m certain I’ve felt and known these places before. Feeling the absolution of the torn walls that had no right to exist. No right to be at all and yet I am the same as them. I am just another worthless thing. That’s what ever little sign tells me. That I will be forgotten. I am just this pathetic doll which has no purpose but to exist and be used. Perhaps I want too much to be loved, to feel warmth in my heart instead of the icy cold. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I feel so false and fake as though I should have burned away in the atmosphere of birth. Am I a person at all, a child born by doom. The unneeded thing of this earth. Ill be thrown to the curb again someday, be it now or ten years from now. It will happen. Such is my hopeless irreversible destiny. If I could just disappear and start over would life be better? I don’t know. If life is so worth living then why does mine feel like its already over? Why does it feel like I should have given up long ago? I don’t have the heart to share these words with those who may understand my feelings. This is because I don’t feel their words that are meant to comfort will do anything but force me to grieve. They can’t see the tears behind my eyes that I can’t make myself cry. Everything inside of me aches as though I’m dying and I feel as though its my own fault yet my own conviction to let myself die. To see myself fade before my own eyes. View a death from a third person I never realized existed. Maybe that’s why life isn’t worth living—because I cant see it from an outward prospective. No one can, this is what I hate. Id love to feel the blood freely against my fingertips and wake up from this horrid nightmarish dream. I am neither free from this nor consoled from my pain. Perhaps I was supposed to feel better than I do now. Perhaps I was supposed to let go and forget every dream and thought that plagued me but I cant. Nothing can set me free from my fate of this ever constant pain that burns into my soul and eats away at my empathy and thoughts until I feel none are my own…
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