I suppose even without being told, I realize that I was changing, not physically but mentally becoming less and less like me.
It all started from my first job after my unofficial graduation, (today's my graduation day btw) the bitching and politics drove me a little over the word 'stressed'.
I work for the money and nothing else, but i supposed the 'old ladies' there took me as a threat and promply made my life hell with stories and tall tales.
It came as a big shock to me, i've always been told that older people should always be respected as they knew better as they have lived life longer and is more experience that us. That was what we were bought up to think. Working there changed my perspective of everything. These ladies were childish. To call them childish is an understatement but i can't think of a better name. My jaw dropped to the floor and i was left speechless when i found out that they went through my 'so called' personal computer and printed out a journal of mine. I didn't mind, i was to post up that piece of writing on my friendster but hearing that they did that and passed it around in the office and even to my bosses. They ranted that I was too free. I was given too little work. I found it pretty funny though since i typed that during my lunch break and my entire day is spent running around and doing and filing documents. I was definatly not free..
After that little incident, they would try to embarrass me by belittling me in the office and such. And my internet access were limited to nothing but work. Even during lunch time. Even to seach for news on CNN and BBC.
I would come home crying and i supposed then i started changing. In short, i was depressive and just wanted to stay home curled in my room dreading to go work. I was snappy and basicly didn't have a life anymore as i work for six full days.
Eating food without enoying or even tasting it as a norm and i feel asleep promptly at nine o clock at night. I reach home about 7pm in the evening due to the jam.
Later i switched jobs over to as a 'sales consultant'. I knew this was going to be a little more relaxing but it turned out to be equally gruesome. I work for five days a week which ain't too bad but for longer hours.
During that time, i stayed indoor and did not get to enjoy the weather. It may be snowing outside (Malaysia doesn't snow and Penang is a tropical island) and i wouldn't even know.
Blah blah blah, besides little annoying problems with a girl, the other girls were nice.
But at the end of the day when i do get home, the long hours takes a toll on me and not fully recovering from the trauma from the previous job, i admit that i became somewhat unbearable. I picked faults with my family members, friends and lover.
I became less patient, snappy, grouchy, anti-social, deressive and nasty. You pretty much get the picture.
And as oppression card in the Enchanted Tarots says; soon this too shall pass. A quote i repeat to myself for going insane and breaking plates and cups.
I resigned as soon as i could, I just couldn't deal with all the pressure i was getting. Call me a slacker but i am being aimless. I don't feel like working nor do i have the passion, drive or whatever to even find another job. I just wanna curl up in bed next to the person i love most and just plays my sims. *sigh* yes, i'm useless and pathetic. Call me names if you must, but till the lacklustre attitude goes away, my pillow and my blanket is my very best friend.
Recently, an argument with a fellow member of a guild and long time friend of Ian make me a little 'pissed'.
I know Gaiaonline has nothing to do with Silkroad online but still, ranting here without being discovered that i'm ranting about them is hehe, good.
It all started with M, even at 28 he surprises me at how immature he can be when he don't get things his way. Frank sinatra sang the song "I did it MY way". I'm pretty sure M think that is his theme song or something. Being the youngest and being the only son (there's this thing about chinese and sons) he's pampered and since everyone else in the group knows of his tantrums when things don't go his way, they always give in. And i mean, always. Even Ian, who's not very close to him.
Question: So what happen when the little prince doesn't get his way?
Answer: Raise hell of course.
Which was what he did. He wanted war with another guild and later failed to organize the war properly. Failing to inform fellow guildmates of the war and update notice. No votes for war was taken. What pissed me off then was the fact that other guild besides ours and the one we were to war knew of the war.
So, think of it as this situation, how do you feel like your sister/brother whom you were extremely close to was getting married and failed to inform the family first and foremost. Imagine your friends asking you stuffs regarding the wedding only to realize you knows nuts of the wedding.
The reason for the war, as usual, it was the other person was being arrogant, or so he says. Personally, I suspect that since he aquired a very strong weapons he was eager to show off his skills and was finding reasons to war.
I don't mind guild wars, they can be extremly fun when everyone gathers but i did not like the way he handled things which lead to an argument.
I do admit that it was partly my fault as well for being harsh then. I had my reasons as well as him, his.
As Ian was about to transfer guild leadership to him and let him do all the organizing, M left guild and took with him other members. Despite being called TYRANTS, we were not tyrannical despots. We don't mind the members leaving. We settled the arguments later that night and both saying that everything's settled and over and done with.
But it seems it didn't. Now, the entire reason why my heart aches so much is that besides a friendship being broken, M never kept his word when he said he'll rejoin the guild in three days. And it also hurts when he bitches behind my back with the other members that followed him. I took his word for granted when he said, no hard feelings. I see now that i'm still naive despite the experiences at work i've gathered.
i'm still dumb and it hurts.
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h.e.v.n
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First off, those office witches definitely had no right to print and distribute personal material, especially stuff that's done on your own break time. If anything they should have been penalized for their offense instead of you getting restricted internet access. To me that sounds like your boss is playing favorites. I mean, seniority should only get you so far, a reputable company should adhere to certain moral and ethical behavior. Jealousy sounds like their prime motive, so I pity them, cause they'll always be stuck in their position. As soon as one of them tries to rise above the others, they'll just revert to vultures and take themselves down.
As for your silkroad alter ego, haha, not much I can really comment on there. Betrayal is definitely a hard pill to swallow, but isn't something I find uncommon on the internet. People have an easier time being an a** when they don't have to look at a person face to face. Unless of course, you actually know this person in real life, then that's a different story, cause while being spoiled explains his nature, it shouldn't absolve him off his actions.
I think you have the right approach when it comes to friendship though. Trusting in others isn't always been seen as a vulnerable trait. You'll never truly gain close friends if you don't trust one another.
So I wish you the best of luck in finding a more fulfilling and rewarding job! oh, and congratulations on your graduation!
p.s. always feel free to rant on Gaia. I swear I won't print and publish this into a book of some sort xd I'll give you a cut if I do though.. j/k