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Tears from Heaven


Lately i've been feeling this feeling i had last year. Sadness.. Loneliness.. it's drowning my heart again into the ocean of tears. I don't know why am feeling this kind of depression again, for I haven't had any apparent problems right now. Maybe some small problems but not that heavy for me to be push back to the ocean of loneliness.

Today September 12, 2007, is my father's 52th bday. but my pa is not around for he was with his new family. He left us 2 years ago. that triggered my depression last year. I knew it. But I was in between acceptance and denial all at once that made it hard for me to recover. I'm fine now. I was even surprise that i forgot his bday, just because of my bday reminder that i remembered that it was his bday today. So that prove i got over the physical lost of my father. But when I first lost him, I feel like he died instead of he went away. that was a big scar i'm having in my heart right now. but i love my father so much. even though he left us with nothing, left us hanging in the air, with nothing to eat as in totally nothing, i never hated him. i was even happy that as he said he found the happiness that he was looking for. the happiness he didn't found in us, his own family. anyway, i'm starting to have pity on myself again... but maybe in my subconsciousness, i am missing him. that maybe the reason i'm feeling this emptiness and loneliness ~again.
another small problem i saw as something related to the emergence of this unwanted feelings is that my very beloved best friend was not responding to all my effort of communication to her, maybe she was busy, or have no load, or maybe she's letting me feel the feeling i gave her in all those times she consistenly ask how am i doing, while i, didn't respond to any. oh well, i'll just give my very best effort at the right time.. that is when i'm sure when to leave. but that is definitely not now.

I have entitled this journal as, "tears from heaven" beacuse it was almost a week since the rain consistently pour only at night. I feel like the heaven is crying out what i really feel inside. and the darknest of the night represents how gloomy my heart is right now.


sad_nayomi