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December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took
our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes
drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic
we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of
the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place
in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled
for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our
driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and
covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel
again. What a perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My
neighbor tells me not to worry - we'll definitely have a white Christmas.
No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by
the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think
that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20.
The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I
warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The
snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly
get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow
tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The
wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my a** on the ice in the driveway putting
down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think
was very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity
was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing
to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've
bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's
right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last
night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store
around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to
shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white
s**t fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August.
Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had
to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too
tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the
rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the a*****e is
lying.
December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to
decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why
didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think
she's lying.
December 24
6 inches - Snow! Packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I
was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a b***h who drives
that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to
death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits
for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles
an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife
wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I
was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25
Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed
in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over
the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think
she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one
more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours
of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BI*CH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in.
That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for
a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to
shove the broken snow shovel up his a**. The wife went home to her mother.
Nine more inches predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me....
Why am I tied to the bed?
(Note: I am not the original author of this story. It was emailed to me and it was SO funny I had to share it.)
 Kierstien · Mon Aug 27, 2007 @ 01:50am · 1 Comments |
