Why does it hurt so much? When will it end?
I'm not sure how much more pain I can live through. Tonight Fran went out. When I got there to drop Jana off, she was just getting home. Though with a guy behind her. Her friend Ange followed him. I'm hoping its Ange's new boy. But Fran was really dolled up also. Can she be dating already? Its only been two months... Here I'm still hoping to reconcile, and I think she is dating. That thought hurt. It cut deep. But I ask myself why? Answer, because I'm not done loving her.
So tell me, why does it hurt so much to hate someone you cant stop loving? When will the pain end? Why does she hate me so? I cant stop crying. Mandie, I know you said dont let her destroy me, but its too late. She already has. I dont know how much longer I can hold out. I want to live for my daughter. To see her smile, to watch her grow. But I cant live with this emptiness inside me. Its consuming even the time I have with Jana. I want to die. I want the pain to go away. I want to go back to the may long weekend after she cheated on me and tell myself not to take her back. Suffer for a few months... or suffer the rest of my life. But I hate myself for thinking like that. Because Jana is my world... that seems to be slipping out of my grasp as the days go on. I cant take her overnights, Fran knows I used to be a heavy sleeper and is holding it against me. I cant take her to see my parents, yet what I do with my daughter on my time is up to me, as long as it doesnt put Jana in danger. I couldnt even take her to see my parents this past weekend, for my mothers Bday. Yet fran can take her to her parents cabin anytime she wants and then doesnt come back in time for me to have jana on sundays. We agreed to Tues, Thursday and sundays. Yet its more like whenever its convenient for her. I have rights to Jana, and they are being stomped.
I'm tired of fighting... I'm tired of crying. I hate myself. Why do I put all the blame and guilt on my shoulders. Because she feels like she has done nothing wrong. Her mother said this is hard on her... yet she tells people she has kicked me out not 5min after I'm out the door. And to some in the YAY me kind of way. She looks at me in ways like she used to and I ask her why she does it and her answer, " Because I know it tortues you. " Why does she hate me? I never hit her, never abused her. I just worried too much. I played games to much for her liking. I never complained about her flirting. I knew what I was getting into when we started. She knew what she was getting into. I even begged her back after she cheated on me. I love her more than I love myself. Maybe thats why I put the blame on me. Put the hatred towards me... In my mind, I feeel like I diserve it. Then again... it could be the lack of selfesteem talking. If I cant hold onto fran, and she takes away my daughter, what is left to hold onto?
I want the end.
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The man behind the wolf...
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Werewolf Alexander
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PhynixCaskey Community Member 
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I remember, long ago, I was on msn and she was horrible to be. Why? Because I was your friend and I just happen to be a girl. And you accept her actually cheating when we are only......ONLY friends? That was horrible of her.
To see that she makes comments to you like " Because I know it tortues you " makes her feel good to bring you/others down below her....because she also has a low self-esteem maybe?
Perhaps she cheated on you because she wants love, not only from you but wherever she can get it. And she gets love and she has no idea where to put it....so its wasted love.
Sounds to me like she needs to get her life on track.
I don't know. I don't know the girl, but I do know that you don't...you DO NOT need that girl. She's brought you down and she enjoys bringing you down. Makes her high and mighty.
She wants to go out and party with others and take your daughter through your time, sounds to me like you should fight back. Stop letting her be so controlling.
Stop letting her rule you and you get your life back on track. Stop letting her control you (even now) and you be who you are.
I've been in a relationship where someone brought me down and I felt as you did for a while. It took me a while to drag myself out of that dark hole, but I did it. And you need to drag yourself instead of sitting at the bottom waiting for someone to drag you out so you don't have to....and you need to stop letting her throw dirt on top of you while your at the bottom trying to better yourself.
You deserve better than that. She can't take your daughter away. Maybe she can get most of the custody because she is the mother, but she has no right to take your daughter away.
Yeah, I know I don't know everything about the situation and I'm not even on the same continent as you, but I know this situation a little. I don't have any children that were mixed up in it, but she is selfish. She doesn't know how to control herself. You need to show her that you've gained control and can better her at that. If she ends up hating you after sharing so much together.......she doesn't deserve you.
Get out and live. Stop wasting around worrying about someone whose only out to hurt you and fight back.
Sorry, it needs to be said and I rather say it out of friendship than someone whose just gonna sugar-coat it.