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May 16, 2005
Glad you liked my entry. I don't think there's going to be any more happy ones for a while, if ever. The rainbow text thing is here. Today was really crappy. Kaz wrote in his journal yesterday about some girl he likes not having a date to the prom. It scared me really bad. By the time I'd read it Kaz had gotten offline. He'd gotten off early. I needed to talk to him right away, so I called him. He hates it when I call him. But I felt so horrible I had to. Of course he didn't answer. I had to leave a message, and I started crying, and I know he could probably tell. He didn't call me back or even get online. I knew if I wasn't able to talk to him about it I'd never be able to get any sleep tonight. Every night it gets harder and harder. So I stayed up for a while even though no one was on. Chris was on and sent me some funny stuff to watch and I told him what was going on... I just needed to tell someone. He got off after a while. I kept thinking I needed to do something. Like something for Kaz, and I finally remembered that I'd meant to donate to Gaia this month, and that Kaz had bought two donation letters just to lose them in the rollback. I'd tried donating this month already but I found there was no way to use credit card without using Paypal, and I don't trust Paypal. So I'd planned to mail five dollars to them like I did before I had my credit card. But I kept thinking about Kaz and how I wanted to give him stuff. I always feel better when I give him stuff. Especially if it's something that costs money. I don't know why. So I went and donated and did a no no, I used Paypal. I'll probably hear about this when the bill comes. I can use my credit card for whatever, but I'm not supposed to use Paypal. I had to though. I wouldn't feel better if I didn't. So I got myself two letters and got Kaz two letters also. So I went to bed feeling slightly better. But I don't know how many times I woke up during the night, feeling sick and stuff. So as soon as Kaz got on today I IMed him. Turns out he said he's not going to the prom. I just hope he sticks to that and doesn't go. I'm still scared but it made me feel better. I told him to check his inventory. He got mad at me for the letters. I just wish I could do things for him and give him stuff and it would make him happy. I know those letters helped him out, even if he won't admit it to me. I know I've saved him some gold and trouble of rebuying them. It just makes me feel better knowing I helped him. Well after a while I made a chat. I did something stupid too. The way Ivy always acts around Ralph, making it obvious she's obsessed with him... I finally asked her if she and him were going out and she said yes, for a week. I shouldn't have asked. Neither ever told me but she said she'd assumed I'd know from how they acted... But she's always acted that way with him, she always flirted with him. This just made me feel worse. The only guy I've ever really had a crush on and now he's going out with my friend. I'd known it would happen all along really. But knowing it really did happen just made me feel awful. I didn't say any of this to Ivy or Ralph or anything. I played it off like nothing was wrong. I don't want to make a big deal out of it to them. But now I just don't even feel like talking to them anymore. I remember when Jon wanted me to ask Ralph out. I don't know if Ivy was going out with him then or not. But part of the reason I wouldn't ask him out was because I didn't want to lose Ivy as a friend. I felt like she'd hate me if I asked him out. She probably thinks I get all the guys because I was with Kaz for so long. And I think it bothered her when we showed our affection in front of her. So if I'd asked someone she liked out, she'd just totally hate me, since I'd had a boyfriend for so long and she hadn't. But now I might lose her anyway. I don't want to talk to either of them anymore. It's not that I'm mad at them, exactly. I certainly don't hate them. But talking to them just makes me feel awful now. I'll never be able to talk to Ralph especially, without feeling upset. Ralph just seemed so perfect. He was really, really cute. And looks are usually the last thing I care about. His hair is long. I thought that was so cool. And sexy. He cares about animals. He's smart. He's funny. He's random. He's nice, most importantly of all. He's fun to talk to. Well, not anymore, not for me. He'd never tell me his exact age but he said between sixteen and twenty. Perfect age range for me so exacts really didn't matter. He doesn't have any friends in real life, since there's no one around where he lives, so no one to discourage or make fun of him if he went out with someone online. Though he does have online friends. He lives in a place that wasn't impossibly far from me, in a state I've been to before, and will probably go to again, unlike Kaz. I feel like I can't ever talk to them again. I don't feel like making chats anymore. I don't feel like talking in the one I made today, which I made before I asked Ivy anything. I shouldn't have asked her. I was just so curious. I'll never have a chance with him now. Even if they were to break up, it's like a rule that you don't go out with friends' exs. I want Kaz more than ever now. I feel so awful. As much as I liked Ralph, I love, really, truly, love Kaz. He's still the person I want to be with more than anyone in the world. I never get the guys I want. The ones that want me always get me. Because I go out with them to be nice, if I'm not with anyone else when they ask. Like Josh. They don't know that I don't feel anything special for them. I don't tell them. I figure they will eventually get tired of me anyway and move on to someone else and it won't have ever mattered. That was my mistake with Kaz. Caring about him. I don't know why it happened with him and not with anyone else. Right now I think there are two or three guys left who want to be my boyfriend and didn't get a chance. I don't think they'll be getting that chance. I'm sick of it all. Sick of being with guys that don't mean anything to me.
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 Posted by: Vickicat Tue May 17, 2005 @ 01:40am
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