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It wasn't who I thought it was. It was just one of my friends hitting me with a mule. she aint been on in a good while either though.

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Don't know if I should be writing this in here, but I really rather need to get it off my mind.
I was thinking about jumping out the window today. I had run to the window but thought about it in mid stop. I looked at the fire escape and figured if I did indeed jump instead of going through the gap for the stairs I would have hit my head on the bars in front of me, hit my should on the way to the stairs, possibly turned in the air hitting my head on the rail of the lower floors escape- either the back causing an interesting injury if I had indeed turned in the air, or if not turning the air I'd'ave hit my jaw possibly breaking it, or hitting my forehead risking concussion, question well that would be an option either side of my head I hit huh confused

[edit]If if wasn't for my dislike of falling I've've probably jumped, if the thought of him wasn't also holding me back. My heart, the thought of him keeps me from doing a lot of personally harmful... things tp myself. Even if I sometimes want to punch a wall and keep punching it 'til the bone shatters. I've been through a broken hand before it couldn't much worst than the process they did the first time just on a slightly bigger scale, this time it would be the whole hand.[/edit]

I'm in a REALLY bad mood, I've been like this for a while. I haven't felt like this since before I met my father's side of my family, which wasn't that long ago, I was getting closure for another VERY touchy subject I don't talk about much EVER. I hated that man for a long time, 'til I started getting more info on what happened. That wound still isn't closed but it is being repaired... slowly. It's bad when you feel most of you life is nothing but a huge bunch of reopening scars; scars that just keep getting uglier and uglier.

But more recently a lot s**t has been falling on me, the most coming with the REALLY hard death of my uncle. I know for a fact I'm not over it, it still bothers me a great deal. and that DAMNED woman! If I really didn't want to go to jail I'd've done away with her myself. She just an eyesore, her and her whole... well I can't say her whole family, cause 3 of her sisters are actually decent. And the one is actually kinda cool, her name's Sharon, but getting off track. But then again that's the way everything's been for... since IDK when. Things started a slope... er hill downward after I found out my father died, I was in I think the fourth grade and it was mother's day. I remember it clearly. we (me, my mother and my two sisters, don't know if the youngest one... I think being Nicole at that time- was there.) were at my grandmother’s (my mother's, mother's apt.) we had given her the gift we'd picked out for her. It was an anklet she still has 'til this day... doesn't remember we gave it to her though confused

the last time I saw him... I remember it, but couldn't explain it to understanding. But I remember it, my maternal grandmother called me back into her room after getting a phone call, told me she had something to tell me.. -this part is fuzzy, I don't exactly remember if it washer or my mother who told me- I remember being told he died. I was slightly upset, but how upset could you be for a person who you've rarely ever seen? But as years past I started to resent him, as I suppose every child does who lacks a father depending on the circumstances. My mother told me "He love you..." meaning his two children -daughters- her oldest two. but how could he have loved us and have let us? The last time I saw him alive he was sick with this huge IDK what gorged out of part of his face and neck.

There's been a lot of death around me and my sisters, my two youngest sisters witnessing a killing as they walked down our very block. A guy that, went to the H.S. across the street from mine (I no longer in H.S.). And now the latest, My uncle Leon. I wanted to visit him... I did, every time I get the urge to visit someone, something just telling me go see them, whom ever it may be, they end up in a casket, being buried the next week, maybe earlier, maybe a little l8r. My visions of death have altered. I used to see a floating death before someone kicked it, but now it's just this strong urge to go see them. Well actually that’s kind of a lie. With ppl I didn't know as well a family I grew up with I would see a floating death. When Mario died (the guy my sisters witness -a drive by no less- thankfully they were fine physically) I saw death floating across my vision and then a vision of two fish... come to find out his girl was pregnant eek confused But then again that's what they say fish mean in a dream anyway. My uncle was stupid-sticious, but when helping unravel a dream they usually were correct. But one dream I had he couldn't figure out was the one I had where there were a bunch of skulls circling a -I can't really remember- I think a serving dish, the one with handles on each side. It had... something on top of it and it was sitting on a table and everything was decorated in red and black, there were also candles... all over the place. I think I'm just into vampires FAR too much confused could mean something but I've given up on trying to find out seeing as my only source didn't know and is now DEAD!!!!

And to top it off a few years ago, my cousin died, playing hero!! I'm never, you hear me NEVER going to orchard beach!! He died there saving two girls how were stupid enough to get suck out in the water. He went and saved them but got himself into trouble and wasn't saved in the process, no he died there, with useless lifeguards! He was supposed to walk down the isle a few days after, He'd just turned eighteen and was graduating. stare

See what' I've come across is that now I know I have a problem with life, I know I do. LMAO!! No I'm not going to go out there and destroy it that would be a waste of time and energy on ALL aspects, but if everything is bound to die and (we and the religion we're in) supposedly don't believe in life after death what's the purpose. If the purposed of life is to learn and you die and go nowhere, WHAT THE HELL IS THE PURPOSE!! THERE'S NOTHING BUT DEATH TO LOOK FORWARD TO! Nothing but grubby little worms gnawing at your carcass, while everything you're experienced and "learned" goes to waste. That's the one main thing I like about the Christians, at least they had somewhere, something to look forward to after you go swimming with the fishes. Lmao... neutral yeah that felt better stare :XP:

It was a lot better before I went to the DAMN meeting with that stupid don't know anything about anything flat leaver. What he said disturbed me to my core, but I wasn't on the band wagon with him ‘til his accusations were conformed and it hurt, it really did, my uncle'd JUST died and he was labeled just a dead corpse with no should just a walking corpse like a Vampire, a soulless body when dead would be nothing but bait for worms someone would dig up eventually and go fishing and eat just to succumb to the same fate. Seeing things as suck makes everything seem rather useless. There is no purpose to life but death. Nothing more, born to die and nothing more.
stare stare

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