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I don't know anymore. I swear I still feel kinda terrible about things. The situation has past...and me and Faye are nothing more than mere "associates." You know this ******** sucks. I mean, I just never thought me and her would drop like that. Hell if she had ******** some guy I would have still tried to be her friend. I thought that kinda feeling was mutual you know? But ********. I kissed a girl, now we can't even say hi to each ******** bull s**t, this is stupid.
I must admit I am pretty full of regret. I mean I never wanted her to find out like that you know? I wrote that s**t in my journal because I needed a way to vent my feelings. It was a crazy damn situation no? Hell people all over the world write in little black books that got that bogus a** key that is "suppose" to keep people out. Hell no one asked her to read my ******** journal. So when she reads it, [ok she gets angry, that ok] she decides to ******** rip up my shirt! ******** castrate a damn valentines bear I bought her....rip up a purse I got her to shreads. THEN ******** ERASE EVERY DAMN THING IN MY JOURNAL! ******** the bull s**t, man that sucks! No one asked her dumbass to read my ******** journal. And dammit I bet she probably still does. I gives no ******** however, it's my life and this is my journal and I'll do what the ******** I want...however I want...whenever I want! And ain't nobody gonna do a damn thing about it. Had to change all my ******** passwords in order to make sure she won't ******** up s**t else. Damn I trusted her so much. Let her know my password, how didn't I get some payback for ******** over Aozora freshman year [still gots no regrets though, that s**t was hilarious!].
Ah hell, I don't know. I just always thought that we could be friends. We were pretty open for the most part, I thought this was gonna become one of those uncomfortable jokes that we could kinda play with and move on. I always expected to be friends. Well I kept saying that this s**t wasn't gonna end well. I ain't sure. She still talks to Aozora and Tan [damn I hate calling this ***** that...Tan needs a new damn name!]. That bothers me, but I ain't gonna let on to it you know? I mean what am I suppose to do? "No guys! You can't talk to her because we are no longer together..." Now I know that would be some ho-s**t to do, so please. I will just have to breathe easy and let things happen as the will...
Well now...Khat still talks to Freddy [her ex boyfriend, inside joke with me and Zora]. It don't bother me really, it just leads to akward moments. I feel like an a**...everytime he approaches I back away and leave. I was gonna kiss Khat the other day and I saw him so I let her go and walked away without saying a word. Am I really such a b***h! ******** that is so ******** gay of me to do some s**t like that. I got nothing to fear, Khat is my g/f now. And I swear I care about her so much. But of course I think to gaw'd damn much so now I don't know whether or not she actually cares as for me as I do for her. I can honestly say that I never really felt this way about a girl. I sincerely don't like being away from her. I like want to be around her all the time! Now thats highly uncommon for me because I am the type that needs space. But I swear with her in my arms, everything feels better you know? Damn I hope that me and her will be a lasting couple.
I was a bit frightened to find out that her longest relationship was like 3 months. Hell I just came out of a 1yr long relationship. I don't want to go back to those temperary relationships. Khat is truly a special person. I am certain I won't loose interest in her. She is so sexy, but of course I can't tell her that! LOL flippin' arrogant a** girl! That would only boost her ego...So I can keep that kinda comment to myself. Maybe I'll tell her one day, but it's not like she doesn't know that. But that brings me back to that feeling of uncertainty....dammit...
Freddy is a ******** f*****t! I hate this guy. I don't like anything about him! Yet I gotta live in this assholes shadow. Khat's mother likes him...And hell I am nothing like him. I am too outspoken and one track minded to ever give a damn about winning over a parents blessing. Usually I would wave that s**t off and call it a day you know? I mean ******** I am damn near being an adult. But of course I want to please Khat's mom, why? Because I want us to last....I don't want anything being a burden on our relationship. My insecurities and distance out to be enough after I graduate. And of course I know Khat's mother is not fond of me at all. I mean hell a 17 yr old guy about to graduate, dating a 15 yr old sophmore about to test for the ACT's next year are not going to mix in a overprotective mothers mind. So here I stand...damn my new relationship is gonna be tough.
And of course it's that whole thing about my body. This s**t sucks...
"I am sorry, but 'Freddy' has a nice body ok? I mean man..." Who the ******** wants to hear about their partner talk about thier ex's body huh?! ********! That pisses me off more than anything! Damn kid is ugly as hell. ******** nasty a** acne and s**t all over his face...damn face just looks like it hurts! But of course he gets a nice body...And so I got a decent face...a voice that can work to my advantage at times...but I am fat! This sucks. So you imagine trying to workout in your room at night...waking up earlier to do some extra excerise before you go to school just to please your partner. ******** jogging and s**t in the mourning to a bus stop hoping that in the long run you can see results. I'll be damned if I got to stand in the shadows of a ex boyfriend I swear! ******** p***k...
Well I don't think we will break up anytime soon. I at least don't think so. The longevity of my relationship is a real big thing with me. I care about Khat so much. I am so happy to hear people say that we do make a good couple. So happy that I get to be her b/f. I just want to be the best I can be for her you know? I really care about her so much. I don't want to let her go. I can honestly say she makes me more happy than any other girl ever has. They say men don't realize that they got a good woman until she is gone...I for one am not going to be one of those men. I have set y goals...and I will be the best b/f she could ever have!
 Rayne Virus DeMone · Thu Apr 21, 2005 @ 04:17pm · 7 Comments |
