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[******** gone...all ******** gone...just like that. ******** hell...Damn I never wanted to call a female a b***h...but dammit!
I am Rayne. I don't give a ******** what you all think anymore. I am what I am. If you feel that I was wrong, ******** you. If you think I am an arrogant a*****e, ******** you. If you think I am a b*****d, ******** you. But hell, maybe your right, that won't change my mind though. I could care less what you feel when you gaze into my desolate eyes now and days. I have hella sins, so the hell what? God is still gonna accept assholes that beat women into heaven any damn way right? So whats so bad with a kid who has homicidal tendencies with his fatherly figure? "Daddy wasn't there" so I suppose I'll grow to be what I expect a man to ******** if I know if I will make it or not. But I will never be him...I would rather die than to become him...
I cheated. I cheated death, I cheated my age, I cheated on her. Did I really love her? Hell yeah... am I wrong for still admitting it? So the ******** what, that bull s**t doesn't matter anyway. And hell I barely believe in love...well I more or less 'want' to believe in love. But if I was in love then why would I kiss Khat? Ah who the hell cares, I mean this s**t ain't none of your ******** buisness any damn way! What I do is my ******** choice. I am sorry...very sorry... I hurt people that had nothing to do with this, but then again should I care about them any damn way? Well one I can't help but to care for, I loved her [But I am completely over her, and noticed I said 'loved']. Is she worth taking a bullet for? Why the hell not...I mean my ******** up life can't amount to more than hers right? Hell I ain't even suppose to be here [right pops?]. But ******** it, I cheated life any damn way...maybe if I was the first this wouldn't have happened. But yeah I was second place any damn way...
I had over 30 entries in this damn journal...I'll be damned if I ever trust outside of myself again. ******** up like hell I swear. I am back I guess. I am done calling my self Rayne, at least for now. Yeah, it feels good to be the real me again. It's so hard to use 48 muscles to frown, 29 to smile...hell it only takes 17 to raise a middle finger ya know? Ah well...what the hell could give me the right to be as angry as I am? ******** you? Who the hell do you think you are? I mean your just some guy with a ******** up past, get over it! Stupid a** b***h, man up! If you keep shielding yourself from 'love' then it's just gonna hurt more when they get your a** again. Stupid ********, you are! Ah well...maybe I am. I don't know anymore.
I see it now though...I see it all picture clear, the only one to ever understand me was him. He sat there and watched, he saw my mistakes but it's not like he ever interferred. He just made sure I never got too hurt. He was willing to shoot that guy for me. Can you believe that my best friend would shoot a guy, risking his own finger, for me? The only one I can trust I suppose. He only wanted to make sure I was ok. It's great to read his journal and know that me and him are finally on the same page. So when I get confidence like that, to know that I got a guy who is down with me till the very end and has nothing but my best interest at heart, then I got every right to be Virus! Zora and Virus will stand strong as long as we can stay at the same rate we at right now.
To Faye-
Through with you. I am so done with you. I don't care how wrong I was. I want you to know I am done with you. I don't trust you. I might have been wrong but it was you who forgotten not me! So yeah I kissed her, but I didn't forget...you did. Do you remember? Everything that you did not do? Because saying 'I love you' has nothing to do with meaning it!!! Do you remember? The way it use to feel when I touched you? Cause I remember very well... I suppose thats why I got so ******** up huh? I mean it became so hard to even hug. So who was wrong? Me right? Of course! I am the a*****e! You would take my hands just to give it back, I tried to hug you and you pushed me away... no other women has ever done that! But like I said...saying 'I love you' has nothing to do with meaning it...
To Khat-
Now I must submit to you. This is gonna be the test I suppose. We kissed, how did it feel? Was it the passion, the natural chemistry, the rebellion, the romance, the sheer moment? Maybe you are all I need. In darkness you are all I see. I want us to last, and back and forth we will sway like branches in a storm, changing weathers but still together when it ends. I remember so very well, the kiss was so...different. I don't want us to change. The amount of things that can go wrong is great but the amount of time that it can happen is small. I want to grow with you, I want us to be together. I don't wan't anything to come between us. And we have so much to learn about each other...I know I don't know you but I want to so bad! So will we last? Or will we just be another memory?
To Both Signed,
Rayne Virus DeMone
I am now Khat's boyfriend. I am finally happy, truly happy, with my decision. I really care about Khat, so I guess that in the end this all worked out? I ain't sure. I am tired though so I guess I am done for the day...
 Rayne Virus DeMone · Sun Apr 10, 2005 @ 07:30pm · 4 Comments |
