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AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE.
February 6, 2007
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years,
and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard
Core(tm) or Dry-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback
riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and
down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be
your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart
enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't
tell l you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little
F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered
from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently
surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust
and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred
hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt
seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from Aunt Flow. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings,
crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough
time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the
violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill
just because he told her he thought Drunken chimps wrote Grays Anatomy.
Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that
America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. Which
brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to
reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad,
and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy
Period."
Are you ******** kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain
really think happiness-actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible
during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M
freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you
have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúha and lock yourself in your
house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a
hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For
the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something
that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular
Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen
to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss
your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of
condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best wishes,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
 Teardrops_of_Ivy · Mon May 21, 2007 @ 03:34am · 0 Comments |
