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I dunno why, but while I had this avatar:


It made me wish I had someone to dress like this and be with me:

I've been at home all summer with no school and no job. Heaven right? Not really. As mucha s any student cant wait for summer, too much of anyhting turns bad.

I've been applying to jobs when I can, and I moved back home from the apartment too. But even though I play a lot of gaia, Maple Story, World of Warcraft, AIM, IMVU, etc... it's not as fun and exciting as it sounds.

I"m jsut often trapped inside my own head. My mind drifting on things I should have done, or did wrong. Or thinking of how I can't seem to get a job no matter how many I've applied to so far.

My brother and his wife live at home with me while my parents are up north enjoying the home they build for their eventual retirement. My sister in law gave birth two weeks ago too, to a lovely little girl, Hailey Faye.

For some reason though, I don't feel a part of anything any more. My brohter and his wife have their lives. I can help with chores but I also make just as much mess as I clean up after, if not more mess. Mom and dad are happy up north with their house and having people over.

I have few friends left in town and one of them is an old roomate. I don't know how to talk to him any more because they still dangle over my head that I moved out and made their rent go up. And they still have my copy of WoW. sweatdrop

My best friend lives at home with her parents, brothers and fiance. I always feel a strong urge to help her family as they're not in the best of situations. At all. But I can never seem to figure out what to do, and anything I DO try always seems to get someone angry.

So, here I am at home. I sign online to try and keep those friends, but really, that isn't life either. I"m different online than I am here in life. Writing actions are easier than doing them. Typing happy things is easier than saying them. Telling people of my problems is easier when I dont have to face them or ever see them.

I had to get a machine last week. It's called "C-pap" and it attaches to my face with a mask and hose. It bows air on my face as I sleep so I don't stop breating. As people tell me, life could be worse. I could need an oxygen tank 24/7. Yet when I look at that machine I want to cry. I feel like I cannot even do the simplest thing: sleep.

Other things make me cry. Even the smallest of things that arent nessisarilly bad. I was crying to a happy ending to a movie, and more so, I was crying to the happy ending of a childrens book that was sent for the baby.

I feel this pain on the inside and I don't know where it comes from. Is it taht I want that? That I want a 'happy ending'? Why would I want it? Does that mean that I'm somehow severly lacking is something and that's why I want it? But how can I be so lacking if those that lack more are... well theyre' stronger people than me. How can I be so weak if I've got it 'better'? And still, where does this pain come from?

I hear time and time again that people get accused of 'wanting attention', but is that really it? I honestly jsut want to get better. I want to somehow not feel the way I do. I'm stuck though. People can't help me if I don't say anything, but if I DO say anything... well then I'm 'wanting attention'. I could say that I don't speak even a third of the scarey things that go through my mind on a daily basis, and I would be told that I am 'thretening' or 'wanting attention'. So what do I do then? It really hurts and there are sooo many things that are tempting to do to release the pain. But why do it if people will jsut turn their backs on you and hurt you more? If I try to release my pain, I get hurt more so what DO I do with the pain? It doesn't go away. It doesnt stop. As I was told, it's like a river of mud that flows underneath. Where is it starting at? What 'tributaries' lead into it? And like a river, a flood will always override the dam. How do yous top a river? How do you even ask for help?

And the best part is, I sit here with this and feel I cannot or should not torn to anyone at all. My best friend is my best friend, but SHE needs help more than I right now. And for now all I can do is not interfere with my problems.

I ahve a boyfriend, but he agrees with my dad. They seem to think I'm just 'in a funk' and can 'snap out of it'. Sure thing, show me the switch, show me the source of the river, let me dry it up. Let me turn the mud into soil for life to grow again! But how? where? I try to stop it, and it over flows. It seeps through the cracks and crevices of anything I put in the way. Nothing stops it.

I've tried letting it flow too. Letting out as much as I can, but I get exhausted. The feeling doesnt go away, it receeds but the tide comes back again. No one likes the tide, it even scares me. I ahte what Iv'e become and I hate that I can't stop it. My boyfriend and dad say I can, but they know not how. They say I do, but I do not.

I don't know where to go from here. It is like a snowball effect. The burning pain has seeped into everything and even shows to everyone no matter how hard I try to hide it. So friends see it. Employers see it. Everyone around me sees it, and then they dont want me. They dont want to hire someone with problems. They dont want to date someone who is lost in their own mind.

This all jsut make sthe river deeper, muddier, and higher tides, the tides show more and more and then people will want even less and less of me, compounding what ever it is that makes it flow.

So, I jsut stop. I stop asking for help. I stop trying to get people to understand. Then they wont accuse me of wanting attention.

I avoid. If no one sees me they cant reject me and make me worse.

I cannot even face watching a movie, even that little trivial thing brings the mud to the surface. And, of course, I am ashamed of even having the mud at all.

I avoid myself too. I can't look at me eitehr and I don't mean with a mirror. I agree with those that don't want someone with a river of mud, but, it's me, and I cant seperate me from me when it's the same thing, not two seperate objects.

I've lsot strength, and I can never seem to win a battle agaisnt it any more. I feel gross and horrid because I keep losing to it and it's inside of me.

It's so much eaisier with a physical wound. It can be accessed. There are no mysteries as we know all the body functions and can find what function is nto working. the brain is different. We have no map, we have no charts. We have ideas, but there are no stitiches. There are no crutches, bandages, disinfectant. And a tthis point I dont even know if I can make a scab to naturally heal it. LIke an open sore, it festers.

Of course, 'crutches' are 'out of style' now. Am I the only one to think that people need to back off a bit? or will I one day hear "What are those crutches for? you're jsut using them as a crutch." What are they for? Crutches are for keeping you mobile while your body is healing. Are we not supposed to do that any more? Are we supposed to walk on feet that need time yet? Then why? Why say that? Why say people are using medicine as a 'crutch' for their depression? Why say people are using surgery as a 'crutch' for their weight loss? What are we supposed to do then? just 'wing it'? Amputation?

The phrase: "Youre jsut putting a bandage on it." What does taht mean? We cant use bandages? I understand it means you're using a quick fix taht wont last, but then what IS the fix taht WILL last? And if you dont give a 'quick fix' or 'bandage' then what? Let infections get in?

the best part of it all, is knowing that All this goes through my head and it's only a tenth of what does. But then, waht does it matter anyway? I can put as much as I want in here and it wont matter at all. People who read this arent here to help, and will, as everyone does, lable it as 'attention seeking'. So in the end, what's the point? Help in this world isnt worth seeking any more. Seeking help is labled as 'wanting attention' and then ignored because people 'dont want to give them the attention they seek or they'll want more'.

So go ahead, ignore me. Go ahead, lable me. there's no point any more. No point in trying to fight it if fighting it only gives 'it' more 'proof' to oppose with.

I dont really know what to do with myself any more. I try to do good things for myself but then if doesnt work out. I dont know how to try hard any more and it gets harder and harder to deal with my mood. It is as if I feel useless durring the day and then feel like a horrible rotting mass of useless flesh at night. I cant sleep much any more. I cry too much at the drop of any thought of my problems or ideas about it. Everything feels as if I have to do it or there will be consequences as opposed to stuff that I'd like to do and there would be a time that I remember. I have mixed feelings about everything that goes on. I feel both good and bad when I eat, I feel both good and bad when my bf visits, I feel.... my feelings when I get into a depressive state scare me, badly. I am horrified at what I become when I feel depressed. It's as if a part of me revels in it's ability to deeply hurt mself. As if it take ssome sort of sadistic pleasure in making me feel so hurt, so pathetically horrible. I dont understand it. I dont understand why any part of me would ever feel pleasure of being so... so rotten. but almost every night these days.... almost every time I am by myself or even feel alone.... it starts. It's like a sudden cascade, I get a sinking feeling and then become scared, I begin to cry and then it starts up... everthing hurts. the ehoughts hurt, my mind screaming for help hurts, even people who try to help. That part of my mind that revels in taht plasure, I cannot shut it off, it enjoys instantly destroying any thought taht help will actually work.

I dont know what to doa bout it any more... I jsut keep trying to hide it. trying to put it away since it ruins everyone's day. If I talk to anyone about it, they get tired of hearing it. Over and over again. They get tired of hearing that I'm in pain. Even people wo see my crying, are so tired of it they dont even take notice of it.

The aprt of me that loves giving me pain, ot revels in the idea that I am just a nuicence to anyone close to me. It revels in the idea that I am not worth notice, taht I am not worht the struggle of dealing with me. It loves it, it thinks of as many different ways os saying it, or different things that it could mean. Anything and everything that part of me will find if it can used it against me. I dont understand why. I dont understand where or why.

It just... makes no sence.

I really, really need some support and help sorting out my rather.... angry and anoied mind. sweatdrop

See, here's my little story (as much as is needed w/o getting long winded):

This has been my fourth year in college and my first year living off campus. At first, for the past three years I lived in the same room, unfortunetly my building was turned over to freshman-only and I couldn't stay there any more (I liked the consistancy of not ahving to change address and phone #, you know?). So, I had observed my friends who had moved into a 5 bedroom 2 bathroom apartment and thought (Since someone is moving out) I'll move in with them. Unfortunetly, it has been one very rough roller coaster ride for me and no chance to get off the ride either. sweatdrop

You see, it started out with just before I moved in and my best friend, Amy, (who is bi-polar) was on the verge of atempting suicide. So naturally everyone in the apartment hid everything sharp and all the medicine in the household. After some time in a psych ward (having been asked to go because everyone was exhausted with keeping tabs on her 24/7) she decided to tell everyone she was fine now. Unfortunetly, Heather (one of the roomates) took this as highly offencive, insisting that Amy had done it for the attention. Amy didnt want to dispute it; her idea was that if no one knew she was still having it rough, then they wouldn't have to worry. So, when I moved in, there was a bleak chill already in the house and soon Amy moved out. Everyone there knew that they only need to ask me to help clean and I would (because I'm very forgetful on everything, even taking care of myself sweatdrop ).

Unfortunetly for me I have sever depression (at least I'm told it is). Also, Heather had taken off that comming year of school (this year) and now works second shift (2-11pm) as a janitor. Jeff, (her live in bf of 3+ years) was lucky enough to have classes scheduled this semester for late afternoon and no morning. The rest of the aparment stacked up like this: lives in room with no real job and only plays WoW; has 3rd shift weekends only from 5pm-5am; went to Japan for the semester; and then there's me: I got 9 or 10 am classes depending ont he day.

At first, everyone's late night stuff didn't get to me, but after a while of loud TVs, loud Team Speak, and Heather's screams/laugh (so loud and startling @.@) that I'd poke my head out to ask if I could shut their doors or turn downt he living room TV, or to stop calling from room to room.

Well, it got the the point where even tho I told them I was going to bed, no one would turn stuff down or close doors or stop shouting. In fact, one night, I had tried to go to bed early (10pm as opposed to my normal midnight) because I had lost so much sleep the night before. Sure enough, no one would shut up. In fact I came down at 1am to ask them to be quiet. Then again at 4am (this time they made fun of me). So the next morning I put up a note saying "My ultimatum: I will not do another dish until I get some respect".

This note, naturally blew up in my face. They insisted that my idea of doing dishes was leaving greese in a pan and letting others clean it for ten minutes. They insist that I leave the worst messes; which I countered with saying that it was obvious that Jeff does since the entire living room is his mess. They agreed but said they didn't need to force him to clean. I told them they only need ask if it's getting to them and I will, there was no "forcing" to it. Eventually the whole situation got out of hand as I broke down (and Heather fielding the opposition -- I find odd since if no one else had the heart to say anyhting then I wonder if they really had the same grievances or not). Heather came to the conclusion of "Why should we help you?" when I had been saying that they knew I had depression and had come to live with friend so they could help me. And then when I toldher it wasnt for the 'attention' she insisted on asking me three times if I was sure. I asked her to at least, if she wasnt going to help me, to not make things worse. I also told her to stop treating me as if I was Amy. I mean, it got to the point where in the spout she insisted the reason they were all moving out at the end of the lease was because they couldn't live with me and no one had the heart to tell me!

Personally, I'm falling apart this semester. I'm losing sleep, I'm behind on my classes by three papers and several online replies to class topics (hybrid classes part online), I'm forgetting to shower, reluctant to buy more food, out of a job (due to scoliosis and scheduling), and stressing out my bf every night when I dont adequatly help myself at all but instead just sit like a vegitable online as if time will stop untill I feel better.

but now I'm stuck witht he worst situation of all: I need to stay another full year of school before I graduate. I don't have the money for anything with higher rent and taht basically covers everything in town but maybe a different appartment in the same complex. the problem? If everyone in my apartment sticks around I'll be stuck in the same situation, if everyone moves out, I'll need to find at LEAST 4 more roomates willing to sign the lease (5 preferable to keep the bills the same).

I've got to try to figure something out! I jsut don't know how! Does anyone have any suggestions or thoughts of what to do? I feel so very very lost right now! gonk ( also feel guilty for making this so freaking long ~___~ I'm so sorry).

ok lets see:

Falling behind in three classes to the point of failing. woot.

My choir concert is in two weeks, and the dress doesnt fit and there isnt enough time to order another $60 dress (like I would even have the money).

now, I cant seem tog et the right classes for next semester. Got 18 credits I need to cover and nothing to cover them with. Either the class is ARR (not yet planned when or where), or doesnt exist. not to mention that I could NEVER gulp down EIGHTEEN FREAKING CREDITS!!!

And now it just feels like everyhting is freaking crashing down on me and I have NO ONE irl to turn to (naturally) cuz no one around ehre gives a damn.

So imagin me swearing and smashing things for the next several days straight. Tha's my mood atm.