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I'm sure the few people who do read this all think I'm some whiny, scared little freak or something, but hey, I have a problem: I do not know how to make conversation. I can't ask people to pick a topic I can talk to them about, conversation should go where it's lead.

I went to get chinese food with other people who live on my floor of the dorms, and I'm getting to be friends with my suitemate which is why I tagged along. I didn't say much the whole time, didn't really look anyone in the eye, because I cannot stay calm in social situations, I am constantly thinking and worrying about how badly they must think of creepy, silent, weirdo little me.

Maybe they don't think that, but there's an equal chance they're too nice to admit that that's what they think. What do I do? Say, "I'm sorry, I do not know how to make conversation beyond 'Nice weather, huh?' 'What classes did you have to day? What were they like?' and then I go blank and get really nervous"?

I'm not even sure why, probably a mixture of reasons. But it bugs me that I instinctively stop myself from making friends. It makes me feel pathetic, and I don't think I am, but then again, who knows?

I'm probably just paranoid and overreacting as ususal, so thank you to those who do not hate or become annoyed by me after reading this, I appreciate this. I just need to rant about how much I want to cry or scream because I cannot socialize.

Advice of the day: Be fearless, and you won't talk like I do ^

~SeaJewel

So every week in my Media Writing class (stupid me thought it'd be along the lines of scriptwriting), my professor assigns us an article to write for the next class. I was going to do one on the huge community service event in mid-october, and of course, e-mailed the event coordinator. got contact information and a webpage of student comments from last year's event. Fine, good, call her on monday. Noooo get too distracted and have too much class reading to do to do that. Call her yesterday. answering machine. Thus begins a lovely game of phone tag that ended at 4:30 todaywhen I found out she had typed out eloquent responses to the questions i'd e-mailed originally, I just HADN"T RECEIVED THEM! somehow they got cut out of the e-mail I did receive, and made me consider skipping my class because i didn't have enough for an article. Luckily, I have it now and my professor will let me e-mail it to him. I totally didn't feel like I wasted my day, oh no. I also have another assignment for tomorrow's class to do tonight, food would be good, and sleep, so it'll be good fun tonight too. Gotta love college.

advice of the day: when you have a week for a short assignment, start ASAP! You never know, you just don't. It seems like common sense, but it's way easy to think you have more time than you do, so yeah.

~SeaJewel

Holy s**t. I knew signing up for 5 or 6 clubs wouldn't be easier, but they all have meetings practically the same time, dammit! The foreign cultures club is going to have a meeting the exact same time as the lit club, and an hour later is the information or whatever about the Debate Team Retreat, which goes through the activity the foreign cultures club was going to do in the evening. No fun. They need to spread them out more if they want people. Not to mention I have work study and all that good stuff. And I'm recovering from a cold or something. Who knows? maybe it's a sign that debate will be too much of a time constraint. They're not even sending me e-mails. Blargh. Try to get involved and get over my anti-socialness and look where it gets me. So annoying. I really just wanna watch anime and hang out on the computer in my free time, dangit. And the sound doesn't even work on my computer because my brother got sick too and he's the one who gave me the tour with the funky sound card. I shouldn't complain though, other than that it's excellent. I just wanna hear stuff. Ah well, patience is a virtue. That's all for now.

Advice of the day: if you have allergies or get cold easily, do not ever, _EVER_ put your desk next to the air conditioner. It sucks a**.

~SeaJewel

So, I'm a real college girl now. Dorm room, papers, the works. It's a huge adjustment, especially for someone who lived in the same house and the same district for 12 years. And when you're only 18, that's pretty significant. The good news is I do like my classes, and I get along with people on my floor of the dorms and some people in my classes, so I don't feel completely alienated. Problem is, morning to afternoon is when classes and work study are, and also most of the activities, so it's a little hard to get involved when that happens, but we'll see.
I'm really starting to worry about an online friend of mine. He keeps talking about how all his RL friends backstab him and how his family hates him and he's had lots of suicidal thoughts. He says I really help by encouraging him, but he wants to date me, and I'm not a fan of online dating. It's not for me. I don't feel that way about him either. But when I threaten to block him if he can't handle just being friends, he gets upset and says he'll have no one if I stop talking to him. He's probably some creep and just trying to keep me around, but if I'm wrong and he goes and kills himself, I'll go nuts. It sucks. He's a really nice guy when he's not being angsty. Just the current suckiness of the day.

Advice of the day/week/whatever: Don't have an overactive conscience: it's going to end up being bad for you.

~Seajewel

I had to restrain a very flea-ridden cat yesterday, and I was tired and unhappy and ranted at my friend later last night because I was discovering we might have to treat the house, but probably not. Hopefully she leaves that conversation out before I get to work today and I'll apologize. I hate when I get tired and deal with people, it usually doesn't turn out well. Other than that, I'm just trying to get shtuff ready to move next week. I'm nervous and excited, it must finally be sinking in that I'm a college kid now. I got a call asking if I had any questions about orientation today. It's just a kind of weird thought, being surrounded by pretty much all new people, and I'm going to live there for the better part of the next nine months. Whoa! lol And still kinda working on writing and stuff, but feeling very uninspired lately. Maybe it'll change before I move, who knows? Well that's all for now I believe.

Advice of the day: give yourself time to think of what you need to take with you, trip, moving, or otherwise, or you'll forget important stuff. Yep.

~SeaJewel

Got my first check, and hurrah, I can pay for my books now. Not much else, but I'll figure that out. Gonna be gone Sunday through Friday next week at the lake. Fun fun. Ok, as long as I made an idiot of myself talking about everything I don't like about myself in my last ranty entry, I have one tiny thing to add, if you haven't already noticed: my lack of self-confidence. I base my self-worth on others reactions to me. And when I've put some of my work on display, out of a genuine desire to create characters, stories, and graphics for all to enjoy as much as I enjoy my favorite stories and such, and not many people bother. I don't know what that means, but it means I'm not doing my job if there are only a handful of people are enjoying it. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled for that handful of people and grateful they took a chance on an amateur, but I see the kind of reactions other amateurs get and I don't see what I'm doing that they're not. Not really. So I might keep my work to myself, at least for a while. Until I'm sure I have it how I want it. We will see. Maybe the cleaning supplies and the vaccuum that was running in my ear for at least 10 minutes going to my head. Or not. I may never know. Thank you very much, for your interest in what I have to say about my life, even if it's mild interest, even if you just couldn't think of anything better to do, I really do appreciate it. I shall crawl back to my hole now.

Advice of the day: life's too short: make sure your career is what you love. Or at least don't let your career take you too far away from what you love. You've earned it.

~SeaJewel

Kinda in a good mood. I got really relaxed reading and listening to music, then I got to go see Footloose performed live in Kirkwood at mom, cuz my sister's on the sound crew. It kicked a**. I'm hoping the movie's as good, cuz I've never seen it. Heard the music, certainly, but never seen it. And got to be two feet away when the actors came heading for their cars. I musta had one stupid grin on my face when I told them good job. I'm an admitted sap, when I watch a movie or read or see a performance, I get really lost in it, and believe it, and love it. After mom and I saw "man of la mancha" together, I know where it comes from. I wanna be an actress, dammit. But it'll never happen. I hate reality sometimes. So ruthless and bitter and nonchalant when you're internally screaming for someone to be shocked. I bet that's why I resort to books, movies, anime, music, and whatnot. Even violent, crazy, messed up dreamworlds are better than real life sometimes. My real life involves having more friends I've done nothing but type to from miles away then I've met in real life, I get paid to clean dog s**t, cat blood, and disgustingly dusty fake plants and more because I have to go to school, and being awful with people in real situations and when I try to be sociable I make a real a** outta myself, and generally assume people want nothing to do with me. (love how I shifted gears completely in about two run on sentences) I have a certainty in my mind that I'm unneeded, and worthless, and I suck at everything I try. When I get a complement, my brain goes haywire in surprise. My boss apologized for making me red when she said I was the first who didn't miss anything in my paperwork. "Oh, no, I do that," was my response. Yeah, entering college where I know no one and nothing is gonna kick a** >.<;;; Problem is, I hate feeling stupid, so practicing and trying to get over this is just not going to happen. I have to get to know someone before I talk to them without panicking. It. Sucks. I wonder if I have some mental disorder, I might bring it up when I go to the doctor next month for a physical. yay, recommend me a shrink, that'll do it. rolleyes Well, at least I got that off my chest. Bright side: I get 5 days on the lake with the 'rents next week and I should have spending money. See, distractions can be good. I think that's all for now.

Advice of the day: Don't be lazy and busy at the same time: it's hell.

~SeaJewel

So yeah, my new job: I'm half janitor, part receptionist, part whatever-else-they-need-help with. Did I mention a co-worker got fired and no one knows why? Yeah, that's real fun, lemme tell ya. And the smell of dog-piss getting stuck in your nose is equally fun. Achy, tired, yet my mind's going a mile-a-minute. Even more fun. But there are two plusses: I'm part-time, so now that there are a couple more people, I'm not there the whole day except saturdays, and I do get to play with puppies and kitties part of the day. And most of my coworkers are awesome. Plus paychecks are good. So, I'll deal with it, cuz I can't afford not to work at this point. I got information about orientation today, which just brought back to mind "oh yeah, I'm going to college in a month. Guess I have stuff to do when I'm home." Haven't called my roomate, don't think I finished paperwork for one of my loans but I still got a statement from them, and with only two days off a week, I might even have to start packing. Still got a headache. Might be able to go to sleep now after all. That's all for now.

Advice of the day: Be _very_ careful if you work somewhere you might have to dispose of syringes: I couldn't get the whole tip off, but the cap came off and I stuck myself right at the cuticle on my thumb today. At least the doc assured me it was a healthy dog. I might even have added immunity to rabies now, who knows? I just wish it wasn't my cuticle, it kept bleeding for a bit and I was concerned. Yay for klutzes at work stories.

~SeaJewel

Too tired to avoid the pun. Today was interesting: I was going to go to Six Flags with Michelle, but then we found out it was going to rain, so that wouldn't work. So we went to waffle house, then chatted at her house, played with her cats and whatnot, spent too much money at waldenbooks, saw fantastic 4 (which was actually pretty good), then hung out with her second cousin landry, who just turned 3 and is an absolute riot (hearing "Aw, man!" come out of this tiny, blond three year old cracked me up), then went to dinner at longhorn, and then I came home. It was an interesting, interesting day. And I have reading material <3

Advice of the day: if your friend says "this'd look so cute on you!", resist the temptation to go ahead and get it if it fits if you've already spent over 40 bucks that day and don't know the exact amount in your checking account. Luckily, I succeeded in this today. 3nodding