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so my family has decided not to move... which is something I do not agree with... I am PMSing (don't care who knows) so to get this news comes as an incredible let down has cast me into the pit of despair...
I cannot afford to move out on my own... unless a cardboard box comes with insulation and plumbing... my love of my life has space in his home, but I find I cannot accept the offer as it would be encroaching upon his grandmother's kindness and bring me miles and miles from my current job/family...
I also would feel as if I am abandoning my family when they will be start to need me most...
my sister would be buying the new house, which means for the next 30yrs or so, we all would have to be under the same roof together in order to pay the mortgage... but we all would have our own rooms and our parents would be in their own space in the in-law that we wanted our house to have.... as it stands, I still don't know how I would pay for rent in that house anyway.... but it would be a new start of life for everyone...
I don't want to be in this house anymore... not just b/c it scares me some nights and I share a room with my sister still at the age of 30... but the neighborhood too... its getting louder, more congested, and young ppl that walk by the house on the way to school have no respect for others property... they throw garbage on our lawn, pick my mothers flowers, and key the cars in the front driveway... the garbage from the store across from the house always ends up in our yard too... and I am so tired of all these ppl yelling and loud cars going by... I am constantly holing up in my room to avoid contact with the outside world... I just want to hear crickets at night... not steros and police cars....
I should be more understanding...
my sister is going to be burdened soon enough.... she is going for the lap belt surgery in September... her body does not respond to the special medications well and while she is in excellent condition otherwise, it is only her weight that creates a health issue...
I too have a weight problem... but mine was self created... she has been this way since she was small...
I cannot pressure her at a time like this... not when the surgery is on her mind...
no one in my family comes on Gaia, so it doesn't matter what I write here...
and my sweet... *sigh* crying
he really doesn't know why I am so upset...
all week I've been this huge clam.... all I've wanted was to be consoled, but he can't console me if I don't tell him right?
its not his fault I feel this way... and I made it easy for him to be alone... and me... like an idiot, watching his screen name... hoping he'll feel my miserableness through the internet and magically make me feel better.... how sad that is... but so very true... I won't make him feel bad , NO.... thats not fair... I won't bring my troubles on others.... as much as he says he wants to help me, what can he tell me that will make me feel better?
"tell them how you feel" "everything will be okay"
It isn't okay.... and I won't makes waves to hurt others b/c I am selfish...
thats what this boils down too... I am not getting what I want and I am upset about it.... its rare of me to feel this way.... I usually go with the flow and toss my own feelings to the ditch b/c I want everyone to get along... but this time it feels different...
we eventually will move, but it probably won't be for another whole year... my sister says she has some plans to spruce up this house some more before we try to sell it... new floors, light fixtures, accents....
I still feel so badly for treating my sweet this way... he just wants to help... how do you tell someone you love that they can't help you even if they tried?
crying crying
I have work in the morning... another fantastic Sunday at bob's....
*huggles her pillow tight* crying
 ThunderMistInferno · Sun Aug 24, 2008 @ 06:55am · 1 Comments |
