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Journal of Poor Lost Elftech 977 crying
a wise man does not try to create a wall of knowledge around himself:
whatever may happen .. allow it to happen .. then let it go .. empty your cup .. clear your mind .. by dying to the past one can live on in the present .. the here and now .. as if just born for the first time.
this is a proclamation of trust .. and i will go on trusting:
despite any experience .. if i am deceived .. i go on trusting .. the people that take advantage of that trust .. they are the ones i feel compassion for .. that which is truly mine can never be taken from me and in my trust i can never be corrupted.
the honorable Mr. Claus is a wise and noble man .. i know .. in the end he will see to it that all is made well .. his words have guided me in the past .. and his very existence inspires me today .. i would trust that man with my life.
if one focuses on the external one is prone to judgment .. trapped in the illusions of the mind .. do not look outside for what is real .. instead look inside.
Mr Claus spoke to us today .. i still feel empty and afraid .. perhaps i will seek council with him this evening .. if only he wasn't so busy.
A teacher is never a giver of truth, he is a guide, a pointer to the truth that each student must find for himself. A good teacher is merely a catalyst.
someone reminded me of this today .. perhaps i have placed too much dependency on Mr. Claus .. i should reflect on this and not trouble him with my petty worrying ..
good - bad .. sinful - pure .. these are judgments constructed in the mind .. born from conditioning, not from awareness or mindfulness .. only through mindful being can we ever hope to achieve right action.
Mr. Claus is a better elf than i by far .. the 'list' this year has been made, but not yet checked twice .. i have been with Mr. Claus in years past .. as he checked the list .. wise and understanding .. weighing without passing judgment .. this year he is so busy .. i can only hope i am elf enough to have done half as good a job.
now it is late .. this long day has made me tired to the bones.
life isn't a business to be managed .. it's a mystery to be lived.
i have journeyed to the end of the 'list' .. i can attest that it has been checked no less than two times .. another long day for this elf .. off to bed for me .. the implements of doom and destruction themselves could crash down around me and not bring me to wake.
violence .. anger .. rage .. these often exist as masks .. obscuring pain and hurt .. as if the act of frightening others away from us will save us from further pain .. but it is the armor we wear that prevents our healing .. its rough edges that reopen our wounds.
my dreams this week .. i never remember being so overwhelmed by them before .. last night i was surrounded by this huge .. thing .. ... .. no .. it was two separate things .. only they were so intertwined .. in alignment with each other .. then they became two distinct things .. polar opposites .. in an instant.
wherever they touched .. it felt like everything was being torn apart .. i was trapped in the middle if it .. them .. ... .. no .. everyone .. everything was there .. we were all so small .. so afraid .. these forces were going to destroy us .. extinguish the light from the world.
through my tears .. there was a flicker .. a trick of the slowly fading light being engulfed by the spreading darkness .. the flicker was suddenly a beacon .. cleaving the darkness in two .. freeing us all .. ... .. the 'things' .. they .. ... .. i can only say that sometimes 'opposite' is just a 180 degree turn away.
i woke crying .. not tears of despair or fear .. but of joy .. of release.
a master does not teach the truth .. truth cannot be taught .. it is a thing beyond any ability to place into words .. only an energy that provokes an energy in you.
i wanted to share a small memory from some years ago:
i had been trying to figure out, for some time, the relationship between Mr. Claus and the other keepers of the december holiday ..
Mr Claus was deep into the second check when i asked him about Sinterklaas, and Father Christmas, Julenissen, and Sing dan lo ian .. he peered at me over the top of the list .. it was as if a twinkle in his eye somehow became an ear to ear grin on both of our faces .. his grin in that instant was rolling laughter thrumming through the room .. shaking the ground beneath us .. ... .. his laughter still echoing down distant corridors, he said to me in a gentle voice, 'I am known by many names.'
(thank you to the friend that reminded me of this memory)
i have received a great number of warnings in the past week.
Quote:
... 013 'disappeared'
Quote:
I wouldn't be so trusting if I were you
Quote:
THIS HAS HAPPEND BEFORE THEY WILL *gulp* KILL YOU!
Quote:
Don't let S Corp cloud your thinking ... there is way too much chaos and confusion.
Quote:
protect yourself ...
Quote:
... reassure me that the problems are all under control
Quote:
I'm worried about you. Something seems wrong about S-Corp this year. I've heard horrible rumors.
Quote:
... be careful, alright
to answer the concerns of these and others who have expressed their worry i have included a short fable a teacher of mine once told me a long time ago:
see next ...
in the countryside of japan there was a small village nestled under the shadow of a small mountain .. the mountain, while neither beautiful nor impressive, befitted the village in its humble presence .. on the outskirts of the village stood a small farm in which lived an old man.
the old man tended to his farm, and kept mostly separate from the village and its villagers while the village and its villagers mostly left the old man alone.
it came to pass that a terrible storm swept the countryside .. its drenching rain and powerful wind bent the bamboo and shook the walls of the meager houses of the village.
in the aftermath of the storm the villagers saw that the fence surrounding the old man's field had been destroyed in many places and his horse had run away .. feeling sorry for the old man they came to him saying, 'we are so sorry that this horrible thing has happened to you; you are a good man and do not deserve this misfortune.'
the old man laughed.
'misfortune? i only know that my fence is damaged and my horse is no longer in my field. we can not know what this means, only that this is. we will see.'
so when, several days later, by the time the morning sun had risen .. the old man's horse had returned bringing with it eight magnificent wild horses .. the villagers were astounded.
'we apologize, we did not know the future, you were right. you are very wise to have known this would happen. please forgive us for doubting. you are most certainly deserving of this good fortune.'
'good fortune?'
again the old man laughed.
'i can only say that my horse has come back to me bringing with it eight wild horses; i do not know what this will mean tomorrow. we will see.'
it was only later that week the old man's son was thrown while trying to break in one of the wild horses .. both of his legs were broken and the village doctor said that the old man's son would most likely be crippled for life.
'you were right all along, this whole thing has proved itself to be a curse. now your son is crippled and will never be able to ride a horse again. we are so sorry.'
but the old man simply laughed.
'a curse you say? i say only that my son was thrown from a horse and has broken his legs. no one knows how this will shape the future. we will see.'
only days later a war broke out far to the north .. the emperor decreed that all able bodied young men were to be sent off to fight in the war .. many of the villagers sons were killed.
see next ...
we can never know what today's events will become tomorrow .. i am certain as the future unfolds things will get much better .. i am also sure that things will become much worse .. like the waves on the ocean constantly rising and constantly falling .. this too will pass .. this too will become something else .. the only thing i can be certain tomorrow will bring is change.
We shall learn nothing; or we shall learn it too late. Why should we wait
For Death, who knows the road so well? ...
another dream tonight .. ... .. no .. this one .. this one was worse .. a nightmare perhaps .. i can only remember screaming .. terror .. blood .. ... .. so vivid .. so overwhelming .. by the way my hands still shake i am certain the parts i do not remember are infinitely worse.
the top of the wave has passed .. it is falling now .. how far down does this wave go?
Osho Wrote:
... this is the only distinction between the dream and the real: reality allows you to doubt, and the dream does not allow you to doubt....
i have reason to believe my incoming messages are being tampered with .. the number of concerned gaians i have received warnings from has been rising almost everyday .. today i received none .. many of the messages i have received look like they have been censored in one way or another .. all of them show signs of having been scanned or read.
to test this theory .. i sent myself a pm with a 'sniffer' embedded in it .. sure enough .. not only did the message take almost 10 minutes to make its 'round trip' .. the log shows that it was opened multiple times by computers in at least two distinct locations within the facility.
i will go on trusting .. uncorrupted .. the enlightened fool .. but i am not stupid .. 571 once taught me the amusement of a good late night stroll .. maybe it's time to see if i still remember the things he's taught me about the security grid.
Osho Wrote:
... the search for personal knowing is very, very hazardous. Nobody can guarantee it. If you ask me if I can guarantee anything, I say I can not guarantee you anything. I can only guarantee danger, that much is certain. I can only guarantee you a long adventure with every possibility of going astray and never reaching the goal. But one thing is certain: the very search will help you grow. I can guarantee only growth. Danger will be there, sacrifice will be there; you will be moving every day into the unknown, into the uncharted, and there will be no map to follow, no guide to follow. Yes there are millions of dangers and you can go astray and you can get lost, but that is the only way one grows ... To accept the challenge of the unknown is the only way to grow.
Do you think I know what I'm doing?
That for one breath or half-breath I belong to myself?
As much as a pen knows what it's writing,
or the ball can guess where it's going next.
.. cannot .. will not .. have not slept .. a dream woke me on monday .. should not sleep ..
i .. 'explored' .. sublevels .. all of them .. more than i thought we had .. they kept making more .. more than i could get to .. i've still seen too much .. more than i can understand .. more than i could hope to explain .. i lived in the ventilation ducts for awhile .. where no one could see me .. missed a day at work and no one noticed .. stumbled through a crowd .. a water cooler pretending to be santa lied to me and tried to buy my silence with silver .. i like the yetis that sit on your head .. but not the ones that make you bleed .. forgot to eat lunch .. twice .. collapsed in my bed ..
.. cannot .. will not .. should not ..
Matsuo Basho Wrote:
Tabi ni yande
yume wa kareno o
kakemeguru
back down .. into the clockwork dungeon .. a task is there that needs my doing .. under the darkness .. thick and tactile with infrared .. ... .. shifting blue .. i fly .. electronic eyes blind .. shifting red .. i am away and past .. further through .. oscillating at my very core .. the tribal rhythm of the sine curve wave that leads me down .. further still .. i dissipate .. transparent .. electron silks left undisturbed .. the spider sleeps .. its web untouched .. further down i go ..
this wall .. this floor .. polished spotless by articulated disembodied doll arms .. all the whirring cogs and gears of the facility cannot hide what happened here .. a moment of silence .. i pause .. leaving two flowers in memory of the elves i knew .. and am away again to follow the sine curve home ..
Matsuo Basho Wrote:
On a journey, ill:
my dream goes wandering
over withered fields.
frank herbert Wrote:
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
and i look into the mirror .. and i stare back out at me .. and those are my eyes .. so i'm still out there .. in here
i will close my eyes in earnest tonight .. and open them not, until tomorrow comes ..
edna st. vincent millay Wrote:
Branch by branch
This tree has died. Green only
Is one last bough, moving its leaves in the sun.
What evil ate its root, what blight,
What ugly thing,
Let the mole say, the bird sing;
Or the white worm behind the shedding bark
Tick in the dark.
You and I have only one thing to do:
Saw the trunk through.
i woke this morning .. drank fresh, green tea out of my favorite blue mug .. wrote for a time in my private journal .. i've filled it entirely over these last days .. trying to make sense of the things that have happened in the past few weeks .. trying to make sense of the terrifying things i have seen .. today i wrote the last words on the last page .. the end .. or rather the clearing of space for somthing new to begin ..
i've cleaned out my knapsack .. i've been carrying around a few things for some friends of mine .. a gas mask and some vials .. (an antidote of some sort i think) .. other things to keep me safe should danger arise .. i've placed these away in a chest at the foot of my bed .. i will not need them for what comes next ..
my bed is made .. my laundry done .. my desk is the image of elfly order .. everything is folded or stacked or put away.
...
i had another dream last night .. my vision is so clear now .. i apologize .. i do not have time to write it down here .. i have an important appointment which i cannot miss ..
(don't worry .. the truth of my dream will be obvious to everyone soon enough)
.. only 4 minutes now .. then i will need to go .. there will have been yet another set of strange sounds.. this time from the direction of the j-level dining commons .. i'm sure my curiosity will get the best of me and i will go to investigate it .. is it some malfunctioning machinery? .. is it elftech 247 planning a surprise party for mrs. claus? .. who knows ..
but i will not reach j-level .. i will find Mr Claus along the way ..
...
how i miss him ..
how glad i will be to see his face this one last time ..
despite what has happened ..
what will happen ..
...
i know in his true heart he loves us all.
.. and if this is true .. if through this sacrifice .. i can show Mr. Claus somthing that will tip the scales .. that will lead him out of his personal abyss .. how could i not move forward with what i now know.
571 once told me there was an ancient chinese curse which says, 'may you live in interesting times.' these last weeks have shown the fullness of the curse that 'interesting times' can bring.
i think of the story of Ananda .. the disciple of Gautam Buddha .. when Buddha died .. Ananda cried and cried not for the death of his master .. his master had died completely fulfilled .. but Ananda cried for himself .. for most of his life Ananda had been at the side of Buddha .. but Ananda had not attained his enlightenment .. it is said that .. while Ananda meditated on his sorrow .. while he experienced it without judgment .. that night he was enlightened .. the path before me, however, is still too long .. and my strides shorten .. i will not find what i seek before this leg of my journey is finished.
i also think of the mice .. that live in the base of the east wall of my room .. when i am unable to feed them .. will they still find food?
even this page grows closer and closer to it's end .. the last page of my last book .. my last story of traveling from nowhere to nowhere .. and when this page is full .. something greater awaits me .. a new adventure to be discovered .. bigger than any i have ever known .. the point of no return has been passed and i release my will to the will gravity and trust it in my falling .. this too is only temporary and must make way for something else .. ... .. alas .. all good things ...
We regret to inform you that the journal of ElfTech977 has been sealed due to a security compromise. Please do not attempt to contact him through this address any further. Thank you for your cooperation.
-S CORP
"Making Christmas..."
Poor child. Well let his memory live on shall we? crying
 Moirra · Thu Dec 01, 2005 @ 04:46am · 0 Comments |
