I feel dumb creating a journal just to get some feelings out. But I need to get them out, and for some reason my paper journal just doesn't feel like the right place for this. And neither does my Livejournal. Nobody knows about my Gaia profile except Laura and Megan, and I doubt they'll read this journal. And nobody I know at MHC or from real life otherwise will read this.
But I don't know when it will stop hurting. I don't know when I'll stop wanting to slap smokers for doing to themselves what he had forced on him. I feel so stupid, crying about this when it's almost two years in the past, when it's he who suffered the trauma, not I. When Mom and Dad went through fifty times the pain that I did, when I was so far removed from everything. I feel like I have no right to be upset. And I really don't have any right. None.
I don't know what to do. I can tell already this will be a sleepless night. And I know that Thea sees that I'm in pain, but she doesn't want to say anything. She's more perceptive than she lets on. But I can't, can't, can't let her really see why I'm upset. She'd think I was stupid. I feel stupid for being in therapy over something I should have gotten over AGES ago. I feel stupid for being in therapy period. And I feel stupid that I'm even contemplating posting in Life Issues, just to see if anyone has gone through anything similar, if anyone can help me, even though I'm probably twice the age of most of the posters there.
I wish this had never happened. I wish that I could feel like I can be close to people again, because before this happened I felt that I could be. Now I don't. Because I don't want to have to tell people this part of me that's such a big part of my entire family, that's so deeply enmeshed in who we are. I don't want to admit that it's enmeshed in who we are now. I don't want to make someone feel like I'm making them feel sorry for me. And so I don't want to get close.
I don't even know what I want anymore, except for it to never have happened.
eponine84 Community Member 
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