You will stay forever in our hearts. RIP Meggie
While browsing through my usual deviantart friends, I came upon an interesting journal. He said how his ex bf and still very close friend, had passed away three months ago and no one bothered to tell him. At first he was distraught, but now he is finding a way to keep his head high and keep on living.
The reason I find this interesting, is that because before December 27, Id be telling anyone that I knew that things get better and to keep your head high. But here I am, a big ******** train wreck, over a girl I was friends with. Not in love, not best friends. Just someone I said hi to everyday in choir, and who I gave crap at times because I thought it was my "job" as section leader. But what I would give now to have one more laugh, one more time of watching her play the piano, one more time to give her a hug and say see you tomorrow. But I won't get that. Not me, not Steven, not Allanah, not her bf. We all have had her taken from us.
December 27 in a quiet neighborhood that she had only moved into 6 months before hand, she was shot by her step father. Just before this, he shot and killed her mother, and shot her brother. While hiding in her closet she called 911 begging the police for help. Her brother ran next door asking them to call 911 also. When he came back for his sister, he stabbed his step father to death. Their mother died in the house, and she pass two days later in the hopsitial. The brother is the only survivor. Names weren't even released until the day she died. So for two days, no one had a clue that what had happened. So none of us could have visited her in the hospitial even if it was just to say goodbye.
I have not had one good nights sleep, nor have I been able to eat much of anything with it coming back up. Especailly this week. Monday during choir, I felt like I had my heart ripped from my chest. Our teacher said some things, and my entire section, could not help but break down and bawl. I have never cried so hard in front of someone in my entire life. Steven told us that Ave Marie was her favorite song, and we all decided to stand up, be strong and sing it for her. That was too hard to do especailly when Steven couldn't even hit the right notes because he was so distraught. I think thats what killed me the most. Watching him try to stay so strong as I saw him every single day, and then how easily he just broke down while playing that song. I could barely stand up let alone sing.
Tuesday night, I got really sick and couldnt keep anything in me. Barely even water. Since then I have been at home starving but not able to eat, and tired and not able to sleep. I've gotten phone calls about people asking if I was okay and I dont even know what to tell them because I dont know. I dont know how I feel or if I'll be better. Tomorrow is her memorial at the school. A friend called me and told me and I just got so upset even hearing that. I told him I wasn't going to the memorial even if I was feeling better. The only thing that I am sure of right now, is that I know I can NOT handle crying that hard twice in one week. I wouldn't be able to take it.
So after reading what my friend had to say about his friend who passed away, I realized that I am not the person I thought I was. The strong girl who is there for anyone to lean on. Because here I am, when my friends could use me most. And what am I doing? Im at home hiding, sick, and avoiding it as much as possible. I can't handle it. Its made me also realize that say one my parents die, or if someone I loved dies, that I dont know if I'll be able to take it.
I cant do this.. at least not alone. And the odd thing is that it seems like whenever I get upset or sick, that most everyone I know avoids me and thinks that I am strong and can just work it out myself because thats what I've lead everyone to believe for years. And yet, all I want more then anything is for someone to hold me in their arms and run their fingers through my hair and tell me that things might be hard now but that they will get better, and that I will make it through, and that they will be there to pick me up incase I need I feel like Im going fall back down again. But no ones ever there...
RIP Meggie. You will stay forever in our hearts.
