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Where do I go from here? I hurt, I'm nauseated, I'm bored. Things were getting better, even close to good, and then this had to happen. I wish I could cut that part out of myself. Frigga knows I've tried. I just don't want to hurt anymore. I want to wake up on saturday and see him smiling at me again, and call me "hun" and suggest we go to maude's for the day, but it takes three hours to get out of bed no matter how hard we try, and we spend those three hours talking and laughing in each others arms.

My heart is breaking. I can feel it.

I feel like an idiot. Not just the 'oh, I hit my head on the roof of the car three times today' stupid, but really, really dumb.
I feel so vunerable. I hate being affected so by the actions of others. My empathy is like a disease. Emotions are disguesting; they leave a residue on my skin like old sweat and stale cigarettes. For a while, at least, I had intended to stay encapsulated in my nice shell, hide from the world. What the helling hell happened? Seriously, I must have finally gone completely off my gourd.
I was wondering about my next relationship, but I didn't expect it just to fall into my lap this way. What door have I opened? What path have I taken?
All the evidence points to the fact that he cares about me, but I can't bring myself to trust it. And I don't know why. He's so stoic. I think I would feel better if hs emotions and their strength were lain bare before me to see. The hilarious thing is that having my emotions laid out that way is exactly what I'm afraid of.
It seems the thing that I can't seem to express is myself, the inner me that thinks this way. It might be something he doesn't want to see. I can more or less share everything else about myself easily, but not that. I'm not sure why.

I absolutely hate denying myself things. I swear, it's like a form of abuse. When I "grow up" I'll be rich. I'll eat whatever I want to eat, and I'll eat to content, not just to stay alive.

He caught me in his silken net,
he trapped me in his golden cage.

Happy? Happy. I'm happy with the people. i'm still going into counseling, but now I don't know if I want my psych teacher to be my counseler. I don't want to sit in class and feel like a case study evey time she looks at me. Or maybe I want people to look at me and see how strong I am, and marvel at how a rose could grow from a corpse. It would be great if I could remember what I've done in my life, but to be honest I can't even remember half.
Hah. Towers of ice and glass that break, to fall down upon my head.

Is the work in life really worth the reward? How can I do this again and again? I feel like I'm burning out. I don't mind fighting. It's fighting things in every day life that wears on me. I could fight the 'bad guys', they're clear cut, and they can be defeated. Characters in books can see visible results from their struggles. When they fight and win, the next day those things are gone. I fight every day, all day, but when I wake up the next morning it seems like nothing has really changed. It's like fighting water. You push it away, but it will reform around your hand, and even if it evaporates, it's still there. My grace is that the next day the good things remain there as well.

I'm feeling a bit bored. And hungry. We're watching how the Grinch stole christmas. I remember being a child.....things were good when I was small. Everyone needs to feel that someone loves them. Up until recently I was missing that feeling. I was also thinking I'm missing a cool name.
I know I'll never be a chlid again, but I swear, I swear I'll never forget what it's like. The wonder that is everywhere......the joy that the boxes your toys came in can bring, and how funny it is that it pisses parents off, but as a kid you don't really know why.
I miss my brother. I can remember how he used to treat me. I miss him. He probably doesn't even know how old I am. He did some pretty ******** up things, but I still love him and I always will. That ********. I can't help it. xp If mother is the name of God on the lips and hearts on all children, then older brothers are demi-gods.
The Whos have antennae........it never occured to me until just now.