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There comes a time in ones life where they can no longer hide from change. It comes weather you like it or not. A chain of events can set into motion the biggest change you will ever have to make. This is why you should not hold off on the small changes until it happens. It may be an accident it may be planed. Are you prepared? I am not. Tomorrow I have a job interview. Lord let me get it. Please. It would mean joining the union and that would help me a lot. My medical insurance under my dad ran out on the 1st. One of the changes I have been avoiding is getting a job. Another one is moving out. Most of these changes depended greatly on getting a job. Now I have to get one. No more choice. It has to happen. Change can be good. It will be good, but it is scary. I’ve let myself give in to my fear for far too long. God, I want this job. It may not be my dream location but it is my dream job. The interview is at Safeway for a baking job. I really do enjoy baking. It’s what I really want to do. I am so scared I’ll decide I don’t like it. Then what? I can’t do anything else. I don’t know how. Wish me luck I am really stressed out about all this. About everything.

Well here is a recap of what has been happening in my life. I graduated job corps in september. i moved back in with my dad and have been misserable ever since. I am also unemployed. Its my birthday. As you get older your birthday becomes the most depressing day of the year. The reasons may change but it is still depressing. For me it is depressing because no one cares. I probably wont get any cards or phone calls. It will be like any other day. My boyfriend works that day. Yet my step mother has the day off. Just what I wanted to do on my Birthday. Spend it with my step mom. I know I am going to end up "helping" her with house work, redecorating, and stringing up Christmas lights. I think I’ll ditch her and go get my car fixed. Though I don’t want to spend the money on it I figure I will be getting money from relatives so it will all even out. I bet my boyfriend wont remember right away. Why is it that I miss him so much when we are apart? I mean I just saw him Tuesday, yet I miss him terribly. I guess I miss him the most when I am depressed. I love him more than anything. I wish I wasn’t so attached. I feel I may be too clingy around him. Its worse because lately he hasn’t been giving me the kind of attention he used to. Or at least less of it. I blame the Wii.... and Zelda. I just wish he would look at me the way he used to. Have I changed? Maybe I have gained weight. I cant tell there isn’t a scale to be found in this house. Well anyway, I was talking about my birthday. I am going to be 20. A whole 2 decades of my life are over. It depresses me. My twin sister is making me throw a party. I’ve invited all of our friends. I also invited some of Eric’s friends. After the party we are going to play World of Darkness. Me and Eric spent Tuesday creating our characters and I still don’t know if he will be able to come. It will be weird playing without him. Elinor’s Boyfriend is going to surprise her and I am so envious of her. I cant say how because she may read this, though it is unlikely. My boyfriend may say nice things but he never does nice things. He may pay for coffee and diner but I want something different. I want spontaneous acts. Like the time he gave me these blue dog tags he picked up from Las Vegas. That said "Eric + Lizz" "I will always be with you". I wore that everyday I was at job corps. Every time I thought of him I would touch them and be comforted. Right before I left he gave me his most cherished childhood possession. A sonic the hedgehog toy. He had nothing else to give me. I love that old toy. It kept me company at night and when I missed him the most I would hold it. Its the thought behind those gifts that make them my favorites. I don’t want him to buy me expensive gifts. The occasional flower, or corny trinket would make me happy. I think he is building me a computer for Christmas. He wants me to be able to play online games with him. My dad would never allow me to download anything on to his computers. He has 3 computers and a laptop. I don’t really feel like I need a computer. Its mostly for him than me. I hope that is not what he is doing but I heard him talking to his dad about snagging spare parts from his work. His dad works with computers for the local school district. When they upgrade there computer the old hardware is basically up for grabs. Eric built his computer that way. Here I am ranting on about my boyfriend again. I guess he is all I really think about these days. I try not to. I cant help it. I wish I wasn’t so weird all the time. I guess I am all ranted out.

For some reson my thought pattern spills out in dark poetry. My mind rambles on and on and if only i have paper with me. But maybe some is best left to the empty air. Maybe its best not to be heard by ears that my worry about me. Still in plastering gonk Still at job corps, waiting for culinary to open up. Dear god let it be soon.