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Why do all of my journal entries seem depressing? Is that the only time I feel like writing? Do I write as an alternative to screaming or crying? Well, I know that much is true. Right now, I seem to be in the kind of mood where I don't feel anything clearly. I am not angry, not happy, not sad, not anything. I do know that I am very tired. I wish I could take a nap for about a century. Of course, that would only be possible if I were to die or to become a vampire. Death seems more likely though, sadly. I read back in one of my journal entries that I thought there was nothing special about my art and there was nothing special about me. I suppose, there is some truth to that. Only half of it is true, really. Maybe my art is not special, but I know I am. I also think that if I am special, I give my own feelings to my drawings. I draw things based on how I feel. Sometimes I draw random, macabre things when I am angry, death when I am sad, chibi things when I am happy, and so on. I also seem to draw half-naked, effeminate men alot. That could probably be attributed to my affinity for yaoi and my teenage hormones. I wrote a poem I actually thought was good. I suppose I could say that the person I wrote it for liked it. He said he liked it. Not sure how much he likes me at the moment though...I may have made him mad somehow. I miss talking to him.
I wonder why I feel so blah. Is there any explanation? Maybe I feel an emptiness somewhere in my life. I know right now I feel sick when I eat. My psyche is trying to kill me, I think. It's saying, "You feel better when you don't eat. You should stop eating altogether." Of course, I have ignored this because I get hungry. And so I eat. I wish there was a way to escape life sometimes. I don't mean I want to run away from my problems. I mean I want to take a little time to relax and think clearly. Time to think clearly would be very nice. Everything happens so fast in the course of a human life, sometimes it is overwhelming. Listen to me. I am 15 and I sound as though I think I know everything. No, I definitely know more than I should have to. But I do not know everything. I simply observe things. I am not a social person. And maybe it takes someone who does not like to be around people to take the time to observe how people behave when they are around each other. That seems to be the case. I suppose...I want to move faster, but I don't. I want my life to go forward, but I like where it used to be.
I have contemplated suicide. I don't think I would ever do it. But mayhaps someday when I am not in a right frame of mind, it would happen. That's what I mean by "I don't think." I don't exactly trust myself to protect me, do you understand? Also, when I contemplate suicide, I also think of how selfish and stupid it seems. It won't solve anything. And hell...what would I do if I was reincarnated? Go through the same bullshit again? Whatever...I don't care. I think I'll go sit in a bathtub and starve myself for a while (haha Evangelion fans >.> wink ...
Of course, I am kidding.
Perhaps immolation by sunlight? Haha...I only wish...
 -x-Matsuo Asuka-x- · Tue Feb 27, 2007 @ 10:23pm · 0 Comments |
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Lieutenant Valentine has returned, emotionless again. Or as emotionless as I can actually be. I am not depressed or upset at the moment. I am somewhere in my normal drifting state of conciousness. Zurusuru...haha, funny huh? I guess that's only pathetically funny if you've seen Advent Children and bothered to watch it in Japanese. But truthfully...when I am around people, I am enthusiastic and I show emotion on my face and everything. When I am alone, I show nothing. I am utterly a shell. But it doesn't bother me. Am I insane, do you think? Or is there simply nothing that causes a reaction from me when there is no one to see it in the first place? I don't know. Other than talking to myself and showing little emotion when I am alone, I muse about many things that do not concern normal people. But this is just babbling coming from me when I am in my normal state of mind.
Normal is laughable.
What dost thou desire of me...?
Hima...zurusuru...yoku nai nani ka desu...
Elizabethan English and Japanese...probably bad Japanese...but anyway...
I believe this entry is over now. Later...
-x-Matsuo Asuka-x- · Sun Dec 31, 2006 @ 11:46pm · 0 Comments |
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I felt that it was time for a new entry. It seems I only post on here when I have some extreme apathy for the rest of the world or when I have some strong emotion. I don't know how many people actually read journals on Gaia, but I know it isn't nearly as much as on deviantART. Today, my feelings are not of apathy, but of a strong emotion. Of sorts, anyway. It is a mixture of emotions. Actually, it's more of a solution. I doubt the feelings are going to separate (take highschool science and you'll know what I'm talking about). But the point I am trying to make is that I screwed up. And I have to write it down somehow or it's going to sit in my soul and fester for a very long time until it comes out in extremely depressing poetry and songs. Actually, I already wrote a poem. I might put it in this entry if I feel like it.
I lost my pet today. More than that, I made a hole in my heart and someone elses, or so it sounds. I know there's one in mine. I don't think I said what I really wanted to say, in retrospect, in answer to a certain question I was asked. I really can't remember what I said exactly. I usually forget what I have said after I write it down. Well, I forget complex feelings. But I have a new one. This one I have to say in something slightly more permanent than a private message. What I meant to say in response to the aforementioned question was that I do not want to be interested in a certain person because I am trying not to screw my relationship over with another person. I don't really want to mention names because said pet knows who he is...or was...since he resigned today and I let him. I know I have hurt him and that's exactly what I was trying not to do. So...I don't really have anything to say in my defense except that I didn't think enough before I answered. I am a conflicted person. I am around alot of people who like me and I like them too and that makes it very difficult to stay in a single relationship and not hurt the others at the same time. There's no way around it. I wonder, would things be simpler if I was just a lesbian instead of being bisexual? Probably not. I know I'm not going straight again. Ever. Not completely anyway.
I want to apologize to you, my pet, but I know there is no apology fitting for what I have done. I have forced myself to be disinterested in you so that I don't hurt someone who is also close to you. I hope this is more understandable than my last explanation...
Here's my stupid free verse poetry for you all to read and criticize, if you feel like it. It's called In The End.
For all the heartaches we try to end,
For all the relationships we try to keep,
For every time we make ourselves pretty,
For every time we are friends and not,
In the end we have only ourselves.
The girls that try so hard,
The guys that don’t try hard enough,
The friendships we end over petty things,
The friendships we forge with no foundation,
The material things that we live for,
All things have an end.
For so many people married,
For so many people together,
For anyone who is looking for relationships,
For anyone who is trying to end them,
In the end we have only ourselves.
The friends we truly cherish,
The friends we try our best not to hurt,
The people that come into our lives,
The people that leave them,
By choice or by some force,
All things have an end.
For how hard we try to be social,
For how hard we try to love everyone else,
For as easy as it is to hate ourselves,
For as easy as it is to hate others,
In the end we have only ourselves.
-x-Matsuo Asuka-x- · Fri Dec 15, 2006 @ 10:20pm · 0 Comments |
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This is called Lieutenant Valentine's Thoughts. Lieutenant Valentine doesn't seem to think much, huh? Aw well...I have journals on other sites so this one gets a little bit neglected. I am not really sure what I want to say right now. I don't think anything eventful has been going on. There was a state band competition today and our school marching band got a 2 out of 5. That's much better than last year (that was a 4).
I am happy that Halloween is coming up soon. I am going to be a Geisha. But it will be more of a Dir en Grey-Obscure-video Geisha. Without the weird guy in a kabuki mask o.O No...it will definitely be an interesting costume, I'm sure. I need to get someone to buy me tabi socks and a pair of sandals before Halloween and I will buy myself a set of false eyelashes. That should be all I need...except maybe a new kimono O.O Mine is falling apart a little. Aw well...I'll have to make do.
I hope to have pictures of the costume after Halloween so if you want to see them, message me and I will send you the pictures. Or at least, a link to the pictures.
-x-Matsuo Asuka-x- · Sat Oct 14, 2006 @ 11:04pm · 0 Comments |
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I really don't find much cause to write in this, do I? I guess I have enough diaries and weblogs that this one just seems like too much. So much has happened since my last entry. My mom and I have moved out and we live in an apartment. I found out that I have no uterus. School starts again soon. And I might be going to a Dir en Grey concert this month. I am so freaking spazzed about this. One of my online friends went on Saturday the 5th and now I have a possibility of going to another concert on the same tour.
Just a moment, some appliance in our apartment is making odd noises....
Alright it's taken care of. Anyway...I have been schooling myself for the past half hour on how to say thank you and nice to meet you in Japanese. I already knew thank you but I couldn't remember nice to meet you. So I'll have to keep reminding myself how to say it for the rest of the month. Hajimemashite! (That was practice) I'm bored right now and I am listening to Dir en Grey. Weird, huh? Right...god this thing has got me so psyched. It's actually the Family Values Tour 2006 with KoRn and a bunch of other bands that happen to include Diru. I suppose the reason Diru is there is because they were touring here in the U.S. this year and KoRn probably took an interest in the band members and their music. I absolutely adore their music. I cannot live without Kyo's screaming. And his laugh is beautiful and infectious. I hope to shake hands with one of them like Tatsel got to. Lucky girl! I guess I'll have to buy stuff so I can get a wrist band to go into their tent. My mom might take me to this as a birthday present. It's on August 24th. I have school and she has work and it's an all-day affair. But we can totally work around it...right? I'm hoping we can. Anyway...I should be in bed instead of typing on here because I have to work tomorrow and I am most definitely not allowed to sleep as late as I have been when I have to work. I will be going now.
Oyasumi nasai,
-x-V.V-x-
-x-Matsuo Asuka-x- · Mon Aug 07, 2006 @ 10:03am · 0 Comments |
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This is somewhat depressing. I have come to realize that there is nothing special about me. I am not unique. My art is not special. I have no special abilities. I can't even freaking whistle right! I am a succubus and I hate that. I like to draw people in and I hurt them and I don't even realize it. I try to be around beautiful people to make myself prettier. Or do I? The people I hang around are short from the "beautiful people". The goths and freaks. Does that make me special? Not really. My body is ******** up. That may be the only unique thing about me. I don't do anything special. I'm not athletic. I am at a trained average of artistic medium. I'm good but not just starting. I have been drawing since I was 2. The practice shows. You know, I think that might be the only thing I can commit to? And realize it? I draw something almost everyday.
I'm going to shut up now. If I keep insulting myself, I will begin to insult those around me and that is not something I wish to do. I apologize to my friends because I know my best friend is able to read this and I don't want her to look down on me. Gomen nasai, Katie.
-x-Matsuo Asuka-x- · Tue Mar 28, 2006 @ 04:58am · 1 Comments |
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I'm not really sure what to put up here. You would think that with all the blogging that I do (not that it's much anyway) I would have learned what to put in a first entry. But nooooo...things have to be complicated.
So...I have been watching the series "Loveless" on youtube.com and I like it alot. I know it has something to do with the plot and everything but doesn't anyone else find it kind of messed up that Soubi keeps kissing Ritsuka? I mean, Ritsuka is only, like, 12. How old is Soubi? (I know he's younger than 23 and older than 12, but that is a large margin) Anyway, I am currently try to get the gold together to get the items I need for my dream avi. I would have it up in my signature but the site is malfunctioning for me and it won't let me finish anything. I am going for a sort of Vincent Valentine look with my avatar. Anyone want to help me? Random donations welcome XD
I suppose that if I go any further with this, it will turn into senseless babble. So I shall depart from my journal for now. Goodbye.
-x-Vampire Valentine-x-
-x-Matsuo Asuka-x- · Sun Mar 26, 2006 @ 11:14pm · 0 Comments |
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