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It might be cancer.
Cancer.
Good god.
I knew it ran in my family and now more than ever I wish I weren't related to them. In the most respectful way possible, of course o.O
Theres' so many things running through my mind right now.
It makes me sick. I cried as a kid because out of nowhere, the idea that I won't live past 20...
And I promised Jon we'd grow old together.
But it doesn't seem like that'll be the case.
I don't want to die.
I don't want to die.
Really.
All my life I've feared dying without saying goodbye.
I've lived saying "I'm sorry" and worrying about it all.
I wanted to spend my life making others' better.
I'm no ******** Saint. i'll admit that.

I want to believe that its not. Just forget about it and laugh saying "man, that was something dumb to worry about.
But its been in my mind for months. And I've been right about what's be causing me to be sick so much every other time.

I've always hated being right and now more than ever, I want to be wrong.
I want someone to just come up to me and just yell at me. Tell me I'm wrong for once.

I mean, it could be something else. But now I know what they go through.
The grim environment and how the doctor chooses to be... picky with his words.
I mean, poor guy had larynxgitis (sp?) so that must've been a pain for him otherwise .
Man... its just scary.
I want to talk to everyone. Tell them I'm sorry, but I don't know how.
I want to get together with everyone but...
It keeps going through my mind that there are some people that're upset with me. I really don't want that to get in the way.

Just a few weeks ago, my instructor-trainer's daughter, along with my little brother, cut thier hair for cancer. They raised a ton of money for it, but...
I've been upset about it. Now I feel like a brat.
I cut my hair for cancer twice in high school. My hair is still short because of it.
I never got any donations and hearing that my brother raised so much in literally five minutes hurt.
Now I feel like such a b***h for it.