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I'm okay I guess. I am still out of work and I have been sick again. My writng has gone the way of the pathetic and I am looking that Medicare and Food Stamps are the only way out. I am so not happy with my life right now. I feel that I should be put out of my misery some days and people shouldn't waste their time on me. Sitting in my apartment that my dad pays for I feel like a failure, a race horse that has tripped just ouside the gate. Its really hard for me to look at people, listen to them talk of how they work too much or don't have enough money to go around. I don't have any money, I put up a brave front and I pretend I am content with myself. I drown myself in innane thoughts and hope somebody shows me some pity. Then I realize I am stupid for letting myself fall so far.
I just want a reason to get up in the morning, something to talk about besides what i saw on the news, a reason I can allow myself to live for. That this pathetic shell of a person can stop whining to the converted, preaching to deaf ears and move on. I am the suck. I am the lame,the tired of being tired. The world has screwed me and all that is left is a broken shell of a geek. Okay, I get it.
I am broken, hope is a commodity that I have pretty much run out of around here. I feel in the air. My mother drags herself out of bed to a thankless job she has come to regret having, my brother hides behind a mask of ignorance and war memorabilia and convinces himself that things will make up for the lack of friends he has. My father, isolates himself with his whore of a fiance and replacement son, forgetting that I nor my brother exist except for the money and "trouble" we cause him. Even taking the pills I don't care anymore but I am too stubborn to let go of the life that I have been given. I just want to hide in the darkest corner of my room and pretend that this existence is a life I actually wanted.
Right now, I know I sound like a spoiled child, a sheltered suburbanite but i am allowed this. This chance to say what I mean. I am unhappy and I have been unhappy for a long time. The brief moments of happiness I recieve are the moments I cling to and the people who grant them to me and the ones I want near.
So if I don't speak at least know I listen. I try to be a good person, I want to be. So at least listen to this rant, let my excuses be an escape for yours. Its the only thing I can do.
 stafffighter · Wed Apr 19, 2006 @ 05:47pm · 1 Comments |
