Saturday night. Just your ordinary Saturday night. Nothing unusual about this Saturday night, oh no sir. That is of course, the case, if you're managing to overlook...
...
"WHAT?", I hear you scream. I'm just jokin', it is an ordinary Saturday night. I don't even know why I'm writing about it. Seeing as it's actually Friday morning.
Yes, Friday morning. And, you might recall, we're missing an old lady from a previous tale involving Kerone - mankinds soon to be saviour. "A small giraffe?!" you cry. Well, yes. All will become clear in time. Now this old lady, you might also recall, was clothed in sheepskin rugs and smelt faintly of Kerosene. Here, we will learn why.
Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl. With yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down to there. I jest of course. Her name was in fact Derek. Never popular through her years of education, she would retreat to her treehouse every night where rituals of Barbie doll worship would take place. Derek would gather up red apples (only red, never green. Nobody knew why. But then, nobody knew why there was a female called Derek alive in this world performing rituals for Barbie dolls) and steal marker pens from her fathers stash (below the kitchen sink, on top of the box containg many a magazine of midget porn). Once she had colleted copious amounts of both red apples and marker pens she would hide them away for her ritauls.
These rituals became the very definition of the word 'insane', until some egit decided to assign a real meaning to the word. However, this is neither here nor there. Derek would draw faces on the red apples she had gathered. And never could two faces she drew be alike. After having drawn a face on each apple she had collected, she would stick four marker pens into each apple to form two arms and two legs. If she fell short of marker pens, she would have to eat the remaining apple and marker pens. This was her rule. And is the reason behind her current fashion sense comprising of the dead skins of her lovers. Yes, lovers. She had many a fling with the sheep of her homeland. But again, this is neither here nor there.
Once each red apple she had collected bore a face and four limbs, she would drive over each in turn as an offering to her great Barbie godess. I realise you must be thinking, "But she's so young? How can she drive?" But if you're thinking that instead of "What the hell are you on about here Ben", I think you've been eating too many marker pens.
It was also her rule that on the eve of each full moon, she was required to drink 2.67 litres of kerosene to cleanse the yeast infections she believed her godess cursed her with (to ensure Derek would drink 2.67 litres of kerosene, obviously, before you ask).
And now you all understand why Derek wears sheepskin rugs while smelling faintly of kerosene. The fact you wasted 5 minutes of your life does not concern me, you chose to read.
