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i wonder what it feels like, to have the world at your command. would it be a heady experience? would i become drunk on power like so many who believe they have reached the pinnacle of success? would i reach the top only to fall, wailing about the unfairness of it all? does it really matter?
no, it matters only inasmuch as i have wasted time to put these words to the page. for i will never know success. i will never be the person on top of it all. i am doomed to this plebian existance, never changing, ever pining for something that doesnt exist. for what i want is as ephemeral as a dream upon waking, to be rememered for brief moments before becoming lost in the ether of the endless cycle of days. what i want is happiness. simple contentment.
i begin to wonder if there is some flaw within my psyche, that any happiness i experience is meaningless without pain to accompany it. i know that to live is to endure pain as well as pleasure, but why must the two be forever bound together? how do i escape what i am? is it even possable to sustain one without the other? i wish, just once to feel simple pleasure, without strings, without pain or remorse, without doubting my worthiness.
however, dont believe that i dont enjoy it sometimes, i do. actually, quite a bit. at times i revel in it. i need the sensation. i crave the pleasure and the pain. the humiliation. to be used and discarded like so much rubbish. and i hate myself for wanting it. i want to not desire it, but i cant help myself. in the combined sensation there is peace for a moment as the waves of ecstacy drown all consciousness. i am addicted to it, as much as i am addicted to air. to forget, even for a little time, what has gone before, to live in this one moment, when the one i respect and admire is playing sweet music on my nerve endings... bliss. but it ends. too soon i return to the life i wish to leave. for a time i was happy, at peace, beautiful, desired. too short. far too brief a time for knowing joy and losing it. gone like the dew on a spiders web as the sun rises on an autumn day.