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Mom,
Its time to cut it out. Get your head straight. I needed you so many times to be the mother, instead of me being the adult. The earliest I can remember the role reversial was when I was seven. Do you remember when I was seven? That was the first time I had to be the adult. The first time you had an episode.
At first I did believe you when you said you had a microchip in your eye. That you were hearing voices that they were telling you things. I remember you were so angry all the time. There were days that you would just scream into my ear for what seemed like hours because you were talking to "IT". I was seven I was scared so scared that people were after you. Then I don't know what happened, I remember the police had come to school to pick me up. They told me my mom was in the hospital, that she was very sick. I had to stay at your friends house. Do you remember Dee? Your best friend from the palace station. I had to stay with her for two months. Do you know how hard it was to go home to a house that was not mine for that long? How I cried every night because I wanted my mom. Having to be told that my mom was crazy.
Sometimes I still dream about the visit to your hospital. Everything was so white, bright and, sterile. The doors wouldn't open unless the nurses buzzed you in. Then there you were, in your bed with the restraints around your legs and arms. Still I believed you when you said there was a microchip. When you got out everything seemed ok for a month until slowly you started back into your habits. Then one night you were gone again for a couple more months I had to live with your friend. This time wasn't so hard. Sometimes I would pretend they were my family and not you. Then I could cry because that was such a horrible thing to do to you.
I really did believe you until fourth grade mom. It got to hard to stay on your side. You moved me from school to school saying it was to keep me away from "IT". I got so sick that year mom, why didn't you take me to the er? I was sick for so long and lost so much weight. I know you knew I was sick. You gave me last rites with soda. But I did get better, I was always to stubborn to die wasn't I? This is around the time you lost your job for the frst time. I don't think I have ever gotten over waking up to seeing cops around my bed checking to see if I was still alive. They thought I was dead. Do you understand how bad I must have looked if they had to see if I was still alive? Then you had to go and do the stupidest thing ever. You had to start screaming at the cops how they were harrassing you, how they were the ones who had gotten me sick. That they had made you lose your job. How they had put the microchip in your eye. Mom you hit a cop, you were arrested then it came out that you had written bad checks. They couldn't send me to Dee's this time. No you had long gotten rid of her as your friend. This time they sent me to California. I was taken out of school and sent to live with nana and papa.
It really was the best year of my life even if I didn't go to school. I didn't need to run away to school to hide from you. I wasn't getting yelled at I wasn't getting hit. I was happy. Then you would ruin that every week by calling us. I didn't want to talk to you, you made my papa cry every week. How could you? He was the sweetest man alive and you his own daughter aged him so much. So in turn I would cry. Do you know how much my cousins made fun of me? Telling me that my mom was never coming home. They told all the kids in the neighborhood. I was the kid with the crazy mom in jail. Everyone made fun of me. Thats when I started playing videogames to escape what was going on. My family life didnt seem to matter anymore cause everyday for two hours I could save the world.
My respect for you was lost sometime in highschool. I was the only kid who wasn't allowed to do anything after school. I had to go straight home after classes. I wasn't allowed to have friends. You would hit me so much if you as much as caught glance of me walking with Julie. Yet I refused to let you dissuade me. I had lots of friends, I joined team after team after team in AFJROTC so I could avoid you. So I could be out of the house and away from you. I never complained to you, not once.
For most of highschool we were on welfare because you wouldn't work because of "IT". We were getting only 50$ a month of foodstamps so many times you denied me food because in your eyes I was too fat. Sometimes the only food I ate was a snickers bar that friends would get me at school. I never once complained to you that I needed clothes. I only had one pair of pants that fit me mom. Only one pair. You refused to get me any others because again I was to fat in your eyes. That I could take because I understood your nose candy was to important to you than taking care of your kid. It wasn't your fault that your sick that you were crazy.
I don't respect you mom, I wish I could mean it when I say I don't love you. I really wish I could but somehow through it all there is nothing more that I want than your approval, your love. I guess this was something I was never destined to get from you.
I was always the parent when all I needed was to have a parent of my own.

This is what I really wish I could say to her but I know I can't. She wouldn't think it was from me anyway

My mom got in contact with me.... She is having an episode. For those of you that don't know my mom is a paranoid schizophrenic.
I really don't know what to do anymore

Something to ponder

This is what should be done
By one who is skilled in goodness,
And who knows the path of peace:
Let them be able and upright,
Straightforward and gentle in speech,
Humble and not conceited,
Contented and easily satisfied,
Unburdened with duties and frugal in their ways.
Peaceful and calm and wise and skillful,
Not proud or demanding in nature.
Let them not do the slightest thing
That the wise would later reprove.
Wishing: In gladness and in safety,
May all beings be at ease.
Whatever living beings there may be;
Whether they are weak or strong, omitting none,
The great or the mighty, medium, short or small,
The seen and the unseen,
Those living near and far away,
Those born and to-be-born —
May all beings be at ease!
Let none deceive another,
Or despise any being in any state.
Let none through anger or ill-will
Wish harm upon another.
Even as a mother protects with her life
Her child, her only child,
So with a boundless heart
Should one cherish all living beings;
Radiating kindness over the entire world.
Spreading upwards to the skies,
And downwards to the depths;
Outwards and unbounded,
Freed from hatred and ill-will.
Whether standing or walking, seated or lying down
Free from drowsiness,
One should sustain this recollection.
This is said to be the sublime abiding.
By not holding to fixed views,
The pure-hearted one, having clarity of vision,
Being freed from all sense desires,
Is not born again into this world.

Mettā (Pāli) or Maitrī (Sanskrit) means unconditional and unattached loving kindness. It is one of the ten pāramitās of the Theravāda school of Buddhism, and the first of the four Brahmavihāras. The mettā bhāvanā (cultivation of mettā) is a popular form of meditation in Buddhism.

The object of mettā meditation is to cultivate loving kindness (love without attachment, non-exclusive love) towards all sentient beings. The practice usually begins with the meditator cultivating loving kindness towards themselves (though this is not specifically recommended by the Buddha himself in the relevant suttas/sutras), then their loved ones, friends, teachers, strangers and finally their enemies. It is a good way to calm down a distraught mind because it is an antidote to anger. Someone who has cultivated mettā will not be easily angered and can quickly subdue anger that arises. They will be more caring, more loving, and more likely to love unconditionally.

Buddhists believe that those who cultivate mettā will be at ease because they see no need to harbour ill will or hostility. Buddhist teachers may even recommend meditation on mettā as an antidote to insomnia and nightmares. It is generally felt that those around a mettā-ful person will feel more comfortable and happy too. Radiating mettā is thought to contribute to a world of love, peace and happiness.

Went to see the new Pirates today. There were these bitches behind us that would just not shut up during the second half of the movie I wanted to do nothing more but turn around and hit them. I like Pirates I really do I just don't think the third or the second one is as good as the first but they left the movie ending kinda open so maybe there will be a fourth one?

I got peach colored roses from my mom yesterday they were really nice I wish I got roses more often but I am kinda glad I don't because really three roses for 60$ is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to much. It would have been cheaper to send me a rose bush from home depot and she could have totally sent me some pepperoni too cause I've been expecting it since she sent me a dozen of them last year for my bday.

Its a nice night its pouring rain outside and its so soothing. I almost didnt want to go to public speaking class but at the last moment I did. I almost fell asleep a few times in class because we were watching a President Bush speech. I'm sorry please don't ask me to watch something boring in class.

We had our first test in Anthropology today I'm not to sure how I did I hope I atleast got a B but some of the wording was a bit confused and I got distracted by the teacher before the test. We had um I guess a test preview and went over the test when all I really wanted to do wast take the FREAKING test.

Ok so I made it so my psp can play ps1 games. Yay me! Anyways I will tell you my current Dilema.
I've got Tales of Destiny and Threads of Fate so far.
What other games should I get?
I know alot of people are going to say Final Fantasy if they decide to comment that is.
What other games besides FF should I put on the psp?

Boy am I tired. Last night I had a really bad hive attack and was up until late scratching myself. This morning I woke up a good hour before my alarm and decided to just stay up and shower.
My first class of this semester was Biological Anthropology.the teacher is awesome. Me and Erica like her to bits because she is so strict. She told us all flat out she won't hesitate to call school police on us if she tells us to leave the class and we don't.
Public speaking was really fun too cause our teacher is a dork. His nickname is magneto.

What what I did? I deleted my avitar last night and remade it. It may not sound like a big deal to some of you, but then again I hadn't deleted my avitar since I made it. The only changes i had made before was at the salon and it was always blue hair.
Now I've a lighter skin different colour eyes and white hair now.

I've been ignoring this journal in leui of my Livejournal.
Lets see we had Christmas Eve and Bien's mom's house again this year. I still feel rather akward around his family but Nanay and Tatay and Kuyas Bondy, Al, and Ores are slowly growing on me, its been about a year since they moved here from the PI.
Nanay and the family got me a Victoria's secret gift set (wash you minds it wasn't lingerie!) It was perfume and lotion and a purse. I found a new scent that I am positively in love with Amber Romance. The best way to explain the scent would be black cherries with creme anglaise (A vanilla bean paste) and sandal wood. I guess my description doesn't really do it justice but it smells very good. True to a true asian household we stayed up late into Christmas morning watching Midnight mass and singing karaoke. They think it rather funny that I know all the words to war pigs by black sabbath but don't know the beegees at all. *shrugs* I was raised on heavy metal. I did rather good at singing Stairway to Heaven mainly in part because the song was played alot in my Korean Drama of the same name. Krissa Mae and Gigi got me lipgloss and eyeshadow they havent yet learned that I rather like being a plain Jane and not wearing make up. Bien got me an army of Prinnies. (Prinnies are penguins from the game series Disgaea). Mama (Bien's mom) and Tito Nilo (Bien's stepdad) got me a 50$ gift card at the mall.

Christmas day was spent and Ate Jean's and Kuya Joel's, one thing I can never understand about Asian households is the need to feed the white girl (Even when I am at my Japanese or Korean friends houses their family keeps feeding me, even while ignoring the nonwhite peoples). Every five minutes it was Amanda eat now, from everyone including Nanay and Tatay, even if I had just eaten. The food was very good they made prime rib and they had shrimp and tira misu.
Me and Bien spent most of the day hanging out with JR playing the ps2 and playing life. I won at life *victory dance* I got more comfortable around Kuya Ores mainly because he hung out with us since he is the youngest of the uncles and he played videogames with us.

The day after Christmas my mother's gift arrived to us. Back around Halloween I had asked her if it was possible to get me an Ipod for Christmas because I generally spend three hours a day on the bus going to School and back. I had asked for the shuffle as it was the cheapest of the ipod family and thought it would be the most likely in her price range. Well she didn't get me the shuffle but the four gig ipod nano in my favorite colour of blue. Bien said she should have gotten me the Ipod video since it was only 50$ more but truthfully I don't want the video one what she got me was better than what I had asked for and I am quite happy with it. I don't think he understands since as a kid he had support from both parents and they could afford expensive gifts. I know my mom probally spent a part of the rent money to get me what she got me so I cherish it since normally those of you reading this know my mom usually doesn't get me anything when she could pay the rent and get drugs. She also sent us alot of frou frou items like candies and sent Bien a prepaid credit card with 100$ on it.
She also sent me a prayercandle to light for my grandfather expect Bien ruined it by blowing it out.
He doesn't understand the taboo I was raised with about blowing out a prayer candle.




Onto the non holiday news.
We've been playing Exalted for nearly a month now, last night in game my character created a new drug/perfume called necstasy a combination of the words ecstasy and nexus the city we are from ingame. Drugs are a very important part of the game since its set way before moderm medicine and my character is marketting it as an anesthesia so my resources went from 3 to 5.
Sometime in the middle of the weak my new reaper miniature is coming in at Gametown in Oldtown.
My character is a Twilight so that means she has a high occult, lore and medicine.
I've also made her with a specialty in linguistics since her main role thus far has been the keeper of secrets and herbalist.


I'm also working on getting Marcus to buy me a mini when he gets his character Orin one since I am the only one who knows how to paint the minis I need one to show the others how to do it.