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So I was rifling through some old stuff in my room, when I found this masterpiece!
Written for some English assignment in highschool, it's still pretty awesome.

Pants - Not since the colour purple and the invention of grapenuts has something played a more vital role in society than pants. Pants were invented by a Frenchman named Peck in 1232 when he tried to make a fashion statement by wearing them on his head. He was summarily shot.

Pants then faded into obscurity until the Trojan war, when Odysseus created the Trojan Pants to foil the evil Greeks, which ushered in a new era of pants and poorly made condoms. All was well and good until the countryside erupted in violence as the Church of Pants underwent a great rift in pantology between the two legs of the Church, which ultimately ended in the Great splitting of the pants. It was a dark time. Common people would wear pants on their heads, and entire villages were swept clean by Ukrainians and fundamentalists. To quell this uprising, a group of Turkish pant wearers set out on the quest for the Holy Pants of Antioch.

And again, all was well and good in the world until everybody started killing eachother again over stupid things like grapenuts, and the colour purple. This was a few hundred years later however, so they did it much more efficiently. Nobody really knows how pants were involved, but it had something to do with Communism. This period is now known as the Cuban Pants Crisis, as they probably caused the entire problem. But after more politicking and the loss of a few minorities, all was well.