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I guess I kinda forgot I had one of these here. Well, I guess I should write something to put in it, yes?
If only I knew where to start. I've had a lot happen to me since last I wrote in here.
I got employed at UPU Industries, Inc, for a little more than 5 months. Just before my 6 months was going to come up (and subsequentially, my raise). That 5 months part is where we are now. So that means I'm unemployed. Yay me, right?
I'd rant about how unfair the actual termination and the terms of it are... but I've already done it a few times, and I don't really have the energy or real desire to do it. Let's just settle for, "I think it sucks, and that they're stupid."
I filed my taxes for 2005 a little bit ago, and it turns out that I get a nice refund back, so I'll be covered for this next month, entirely, so I don't _have_ to have a job right away, but it would be good, anyway. I have a little bit of leeway. So yeah.
And... A bit of new stuff to add to this after having gotten a phone call from a good friend of mine....
I've been given the opportunity to move out of Kansas.
To Texas. Houston, Texas, to be more precise.
Kansas is doing nothing for me. I will just sit here, and be a lump, as is. If I get off my bum, and go elsewhere, get my life in order, then I'll be able to actually do something, I think.
With the Refund coming through, and moving not really being too expensive, since the only expense that would need to be taken care of would be the one-way truck fee, since my friends have offered to even come and grab me, since they were scheduling a run up here, anyway, to talk to someone else. They can bring a larger, rented truck up, I can pay for about half of the cost, and I can then take what I'll need to start my life, there, and then they'll put me up for about a month or two, while I get myself some money saved back, and then I can get myself a place, and move my sister and nephew up with me. One of the real appeals to this is that moving out of the state of Kansas is moving completely out of the circle of influence my mother has over my life. I'm 21, now. I shouldn't be her little boy, still.
Anyway. It's a bit to think about, and it's alternatively scary and exciting to think about. When I've got my brain wrapped around the entirety of the subject, and I've got a firm choice made on it, I'll make mention of it, here.
Tomorrow, I'm going down to my old hometown, where the official people all know me, and won't need eleventy-dozen forms of ID to reissue me my driver's liscense, which I have the little slip of paper that says I'm legal to do that with, now.
So, yay!
Gah, it's late. I'll need to get up early-ish tomorrow, so I can get to the hometown, get the ID, come back, work for the rest of the day, and have gas & food money.
Till next entry... which may be soon, or may be a long time from now, dunno.
 Nightsgale · Fri Mar 31, 2006 @ 08:01am · 1 Comments |
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I'd like to know what you think of me. |
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Here is a questionnaire... that I got from a friend.. Why don't you answer it to let me know what you think of me? I'd definately appreciate it.
[1] Who are you?
[2] Are we friends?
[3] When and how did we meet?
[4] How have I affected you?
[5] What do you think of me?
[6] What's the fondest memory you have of me?
[7] How long do you think we will be friends or enemies?
[8] Do you like me just as a friend or more?
[9] Have I ever hurt you?
[10] Would you hug me?
[11] Would you kiss me?
[12] Would you be with someone like me?
[13] Could you marry someone like me?
[14] Emotionally, what stands out?
[15] Do you wish I was cooler?
[16] On a scale of 1-10, how nice am I?
[17] Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
[18] Am I loveable?
[19] How long have you known me?
[20] Describe me in one word.
[21] What was your first impression?
[22] Do you still think that way about me now?
[23] What do you think my weakness is?
[24] Do you think I'll get married?
[25] What about me makes you happy?
[26] What about me makes you sad?
[27] What reminds you of me?
[28] What's something you would change about me?
[29] How well do you know me?
[30] Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
[31] Do you think I would kill someone?
[32] Are we close?
[33] Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?
To those of you who actually took the time to do this quiz to let me know what you think of me.. Thank you.
Nightsgale · Thu Sep 29, 2005 @ 11:57pm · 3 Comments |
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Yay, my life is falling apart. Can I hold it together? |
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Well, most of the people that would like to know already know about what I'm gonna put here. Mostly.
They know that I was fired from my fairly well-paying job, which had great benefits, and occasional bonuses just for being an employee.
Now, you may ask me, "Why did you get fired?" Well gee. It's really stupid, really. The official reason is because I developed a pattern of unreliablility. Read: I had a light habit of logging in from 1 to 2 minutes late. Now, the clocks are funky there. When the computer says it's 12:00pm, the time is actually 12:02pm. Somtimes it's actually 12:03pm, depending on the computer. And it's not _always_ off. Sometimes it'll read exactly as the time actually is. Which is kind of unusual, but it happens often enough that you're never 100% sure what time it really freaking is, so you're either logging in two minutes early, right on time, or two minutes late.
So. With this in mind. I've got a "pattern of unreliablity for logging in up to two minutes late somewhat habitually. There were full Tardies, too, but not a huge amount. Not something I'd consider punishable by termination. See, to be officially Tardy, you have to be 4 or more minutes late logging in. No amount of computer/clock difference would cover that, and if your computer's clock is _that_ off, then you should have caught it sooner, and had internal tech support fix it. Or so that's the theory.
Anyway. I wasn't officially Tardy so often as to incurr a full Termination, but because I happened to fall under the computer type that had me logging in often times up to two minutes late, I was "unreliable".
*sighs* It was a decent job, too.
That happened on Friday, September 23rd. So on the morning of the very next day, I get the mail, and I find that there's a letter from the State of Kansas for me. My driver's lisence has been suspended, due to my not having had my auto-insurance company provide them with proof of my insured status. See, there's the wonderful thing about how that worked out. I did get a piece of mail before that, stating that I was in danger of having my lisence suspended. According to the date on that letter, I'd had 30 days from that printed day, which was 08/23/2005. However. I got that letter on 09/20/2005. Which was during the work-week. And my job carries me through any possible time to call their hotline, or get ahold of my insurance company.
So. I got my lisence suspended, right after getting fired, too. Peachy, innit?
So now I'm out, job searching, daily. Hopefully I'll get a decent paying one soon, eh? Seeing as how I'm the only employed one, at the moment, out of a household of myself, my older sister (seven years older), and my 5 year old nephew, it's pretty damned important that I get employed, and fast.
Anyway... I'm tired, and I'd write more, but I've been on-and-off writing here, and it's almost 7am where I am, so I'll come back and write more to this when I get to it.
EDIT: It is now 5:47pm on the 29th of September, and I have a moment. So, I'll expound on some stuff.
Really, I just feel like everything is falling down on me. I'm afraid that this time, the cycle of bad things won't straighten out to something good, in enough time for it to make enough difference. I'm tired of living my life alone. I'm tired of having it fall down around me. I'm tired of no balance. I just want to feel like I'm at Home. Even in my own room, my personal space, I don't feel right. I am missing something. Something which makes me feel whole. I'm not fully sure what it is. But it is something important. It may be some_one_ important. I don't know.
I'm feeling lost, unbalanced, and my life has just chipped and gotten broken, yet has not yet fully fallen apart. I am struggling to hold it all together, and I'm afraid that I alone do not possess the strength or maybe even the willpower to do this.
Is it so much to ask that the cycles of bad things end?
All my life I've lived in a cycle.
I'll have some good, even great things happen, and then I'll have a slight declind, and then BAM! It's like I've been knocked to my butt, and I'm sliding down a steep decline of BAD. And when I was younger, it didn't hurt so much, because I had parents to pick me up again. They were my saftey net. Now I'm on my own, and I fear I keep getting shoved further and further downhill, each cycle. And that eventually, the bad will far outweigh any good I recieve in my life. I'm not sure if I can do it all on my own, anymore.
Can I just have something good come into my life, and stay there? Please? Is it so much to ask that I have something, one thing, one person, even, which is good for me, good for my life, my state of being, stay in my life, and not be yanked away by the bad cycle?
*sighs* Anyway. I'm going to finish whining, now. I guess I'll post the neat questionaire that Kyrise got from Wing, who apparently got it from someone else, I think. Maybe some people will respond.
Nightsgale · Thu Sep 29, 2005 @ 12:44pm · 0 Comments |
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I'm going to go ahead and post up a commentary / editorial I wrote a while back, and just now polished up. I don't expect many people to see it. But, *shrugs* it's there.
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It's said that love transcends all things. In my experience as a reader, this belief is fairly common. Not all stories, but most certainly the ones with a pair of "young lovers" (or older), they tend to involve struggles to maintain said love, and in the end, love surpasses the tests presented. Sometimes, it is Love which is the test. Any way you decide to see it, if love transcends all things, then why do so many people not have it? Why do so many shun it? Why do so many loving couples divorce each other?
In the course of one's life, most average people will have had at least three to four successful relationships, somewhere in those four having found the person who they wish to spend their life with. Now, if Love were to surpass all things, it would follow that it should surpass foul luck as well, correct? If you follow under this theory, then the first person in each of our lives that we "fall in love" with, should be "the one". Yet, that isn't so.
Why do we literally kill each other over something as simple, silly, and complicated as love? For all the good things it can give us (joy, happiness in life, a steady partner, children eventually...), it gives us far more bad things. How many people, good people do you know that had their lives almost literally destroyed in the pursuit of love? Some of us have found that, rather than destroying our lives, Love destroys a part of us, something that we know was there, and we miss it constantly, like a missing limb. It's a memory, forever lost.
For each successful relationship, the couple must manage to make it through the incidental pains, the things they might say or do that shouldn't seem to be anything, but hurt like nothing else in existence. For every relationship, there are a thousand of these pains, most blessedly small, but more than a few large ones. And what does Love provide to balance these incidental pains? Things like joyous times, which can be anywhere from a moment with your Love, laughing from the soul, or a completely bonding lovemaking. Things like just being simply happy, as you have what you feel balances you. Something as simple as having that one person who you know will never leave you (you'd be surprised how something as simple as that can make a difference from regular, single life). Love, if combined with a few other things, can even help provide children (which brings in a new brand of Love and its various emotional pains...).
The thing to ponder, though, is whether Love is truly worth going through an emotional blender. How many times can you have a promise made, and broken? How many times will they not call you? Which little thing they said will be the one which won't be all right? When will they stop treating you like an invalid? The list can go on for many pages, and with each addition to the list, one wonders how Love can possibly balance all of that.
It turns out that, though there are fewer experiences from Love and more from the emotional pain, the experiences gained from Love are like some kind of drug. They numb some pains, make others "all better", and they help to immunize against future pains. Each experience of Love is a powerful thing. A person can forgive an awful lot when looking deeply into their significant others' eyes, pondering the secrets of the universe...
So, it now appears that the only successful way to have Love is to micro-manage. To somehow balance out the aches and pains with loving and caring. If this is the case, then it must follow that Love cannot possibly surpass all. And if this is so, then where does this idea come from? Which conceited fool thought that up, to bring so many lovers to an embittered parting? Well, the odd thing is that everyone comes up with that idea.
It seems that, in the first stage of Love with another, the two have this sense of invulnerability. It can be described by onlookers as 'extremely cute and sweet'. Others would say they need an insulin shot just from looking at them. So, in this brief period of invulnerability, Love is all that exists. Almost all the possible pains, the aches, the emotional cuts and bruises can be forgiven before they exist. So, in this time, and this time alone, it would seem that Love surpasses all. If only such innocence could be kept.
Love is love, but it takes a strong mind to endure its trials and tribulations. To find two such minds that are enoug alike is nigh but impossible. In light of this, despite that first feeling that new lovers get, that tells them they can get through anything if they believe in each other enough... It's romantic, but not enough.
Love is just to deep too be so simple. There are too many different types of love. Really, though, for purposes of helping this writing, I can quantify love into tthre basic types. "Unconditional Love", which is second only to what I earlier stated as "Falling in Love"; that stage in which lovers think nothing can take them apart. And lastly, there is the much more believable, and more often found type of love, called "Conditional Love."
Honestly, it comes down to the first and third types of love, as far as "lasting" love may go. Unconditional Love is, well, unrealistic to expect to either last, or exist in the first place. However, a good definition of it may be this: "I require nothing of you. I will love you for being who you are, and no matter what may happen. I will love you when you are far away from me, or at my side. Your happiness is my happiness." This is, of course, overly simplifying things, but, again, for purposes of the writing, it will do.
Conditional Love, well, should be obvious. Though, it's actually a bit more complicated. There are different types of it, because it's a sneaky little bugger. It's also more likely to break your heart, masquerading as something else. Merely because of something like the following statement: "I love you until you do something that makes me not love you." However, as previously stated, it can be a sneaky little bugger. That statment of conditional love can mean anything from, "I love you until you sneeze", to "I love you until you die." And it's never the same meaning.
So in summary.... well, there is no summary. Love takes its own path, but more often than not, it doesn't leave you where you want to be. More often than not, you'll end up hurt, upset, lost, and confused. To those of you who have, or can make it through the pains, the hurts, and stick with each other, and find out what kind of love you have... I salute you. Though, don't take it personally if I curse you under my breath, too. For I should only be so lucky as to manage to tough it out.
Nightsgale · Tue Sep 06, 2005 @ 08:38am · 1 Comments |
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The Fanfiction Test from HELLL!!!! |
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You can't look at the questions (or click on the cut) until you write down the 12 characters you're going to use. This is a multifandom meme, which is going to make my results even more cracked out than they would have been before.
The Questions
1.)Have you ever read a Six / Eleven fic? Do you want to?
2.) Do you think Four is hot?
3.) What would happen if Twelve got Eight pregnant?
4.) Can you recall any fic(s) about Nine?
5.) Would Two and Six make a good couple?
6.) Five/Nine or Five/Ten? Why?
7.) What would happen if Seven walked in on Two and Twelve having sex?
8.) Make up a summary for a Three/Ten fic.
9.)Is there any such thing as One/Eight fluff?
10.) Suggest a title for a 7/12 hurt/comfort fic.
11.) What kind of plot device would you use if you wanted Four to deflower One?
12.) Does anyone on your friends list read Seven slash?
13.) Does anyone on your friends list read Three het?
14.) Does anyone on your friends list write or draw Eleven?
15.) Would anyone on your friends list write Two/Four/Five?
16.) What might Ten scream at a moment of great passion?
17.) If you wrote a song-fic about Eight, which song would you choose?
18.) If you wrote a One/Six/Twelve fic, what would the warnings be?
19.) What might be a good pick-up line for Two to use on Ten?
20.) When was the last time you read a fic about Five?
21.) What is Six's super-sekrit kink?
22.) Would Eleven shag Nine? Drunk or sober?
23.) If Three and Seven get together, who tops?
24.) "One and Nine are in a happy relationship until Nine suddenly runs off with Four . One, broken-hearted, has a hot one-night stand with Eleven and a brief unhappy affair with Twelve, then follows the wise advice of Five and finds true love with Three." What title would you give this fic? Name three people on your friends list who might read it. Name one person who should write it.
25.) How would you feel if Seven/Eight was canon?
I will be taking this test, and posting my results as a comment to this. If you wish to see the insanity.
Nightsgale · Mon Sep 05, 2005 @ 05:23am · 12 Comments |
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I'd figured it was inevitable. What with the distance, the fact that it was started as an intellectual relationship, with two friends who cared a great deal for each other, but weren't really anywhere physically close to each other.... We've become 'just friends'. It wasn't anything like my last long-distance break-up, thankfully.
I knew it was coming, for one thing. And for another thing, it wasn't for another guy.
See, I've known this thing was going to happen for a while, now. Been expecting it, actually.
She's been saying 'I love you' less and less each night as we talk. She's been, in general, distancing herself. She's been asking odd questions about how long I'd love her. That sort of thing.
So, there were plenty of signs. And I may be socially inept, but I'm observant, when I need to be. So I knew what was happening. I wasn't truly surprised, really. Still saddened, but I'll live. I'll get over it. I did before.
So now we're just good friends. Still talk, still confess dark little secrets to each other, still vent about whatever, have stimulating conversations. Just.... not in a relationship anymore.
*sighs* So yeah. Woo. The world of single-ness again. ooh. aah. So thrilling.
At least I'll catch up on all the books I've gotten recently before I get another date... I mean, with the social life I have, I'm just not going to _find_ someone to ask out on a date. I just don't get out, or out to the right places. Not the partying type, really.
Blah. Anyway.
I dunno why I needed to write. I just did.
Maybe an echo of my past feelings.
Echo.
An odd word.... Makes me think.
*closes eyes and thinks*
Echo...
A word like any other.
With so many sounds,
But only one meaning.
Echo...
A feeling of deja vu.
It's happened before,
Though now it's new.
Echo...
The sounds of life.
It plays 'cross winds,
And draws the knife...
Echo...
Etching a path.
Memories unwanted,
Take back her half.
Echo...
I've been here before.
Long ago, it seems;
Different, again...
Echo...
The lies I told myself;
They do you justice.
Tearing me up again.
Echo...
But not this time.
Now, I hear the echo.
And now it's new.
Echo... no more.
*opens eyes and rereads*
Interesting. Dunno what that came from. Anyone who reads this, tell me what you think. If I don't see much response, I'll kick it up into my personal writing thread.
At any rate.
Till later.
Nightsgale · Wed Aug 17, 2005 @ 10:10am · 2 Comments |
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Why is it they always do that? |
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Why is it that everyone else seems so good at telling me how to live my life?
When did my friends, my family, even my tenuous girlfriend become such good experts at living my life for me?
And why do I need them to do it for me? When did I ask them to do it? I really haven't gotten to live my own life, myself, and yet, there seem to be so many experts who already have, because they just know what's best for me, all of a sudden.
"You need to move out of the house, Ray." "You need to save up for College, Ray." "You ought to get your sister out of the house, Ray." "That mother of yours isn't doing you any good, Ray." I KNOW!
God ******** damn it!! I! KNOW!
I'm in the middle of all of this, and I'm seeing it all happen, and drawing my own conclusions, and taking advice from people, but when all everyone seems to tell me is the same thing, over and over, and they all know what they other is telling me, making it all ridiculously redundant... It's just so damned pointless!
I _know_ I need to move out of this s**t-hole of a house. It's barely livable, and the neighborhood is nearly a slum. The rent is horrendous, always has been. I could find better prices elsewhere.
I _know_ I need to save my money and start getting ready to get my happy a** into College. I've been needing to do so for two damned years, but somehow everyone else's priorities, and my own unwillingness to leave them to fend for themselves (which I judged, and correctly so)... they just kept me from doing it. And they more or less still are. That'll change, and soon.
I _know_ my sister is a lazy, good-for-nothing, horrible house-maker. She does nothing, earns nothing, and expects much. And her child is my burden, as well as a responsability I take on my shoulders though I don't have to, shouldn't have to. I'm _trying_ to get her into a job. If anyone thinks they can do it better than the guy living with her, then be my ******** guest. No? Then sit down, and shut the hell up about her.
I _know_ my mother isn't good for me. She's my friend, she's my mother. I love her, but I can't stand to live with her. She's too damned neurotic to be someone I actually want to live with. And damned near the living representation of "Do as I say, not as I do."
Bottom line: I _am_ moving out. I _am_ getting a higher education. Moving out will get rid of my sister (thus her bag of troubles off of my shoulders), and my mother. It's just not going to happen immediately. Or even in the next month, or likely before the end of this year.
Things like this take money. And I've been in the Real World for about two years, now, and I know how it works. I know just what kind of s**t this place does to you if you can't afford to keep up. And damn it, I'm making sure I won't fall behind.
*sighs*
And it doesn't help that she did it to me again. Left me hanging with no "goodbye", no "I love you", not anything. Just. Poof. In the middle of me trying to work this out of my system, which only got me just that little bit more steamed off.
Now I'm glad I have this journal to write in. This helped. A little.
I'm going to go catch some fish, and talk with friends.
Till next entry.
Nightsgale · Sat Aug 13, 2005 @ 06:57am · 0 Comments |
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So maybe I can make this thing some kind of habit. I dunno. It might actually be good for me. Get me to just loosen up, in general. Talk about some stuff, or not talk about some stuff. Maybe get me back into consistent writing.
Yeah, I think I'll talk about that this time.
One of my biggest problems with writing, or rather, with keeping up with my writing, and not doing quick blurbs, here and there, is that I have to do it, regularly. I like habit, but I also like being able to have a choice about what I do.
When given the opportunity, I like to be able to take a break from one activity, or another. Set me to a repetitive task, and I begin to feel trapped into it. Writing my book, even my fanfictions is difficult for me. Roleplaying online isn't bad, because it's not regular enough for me to feel that way about it.
Anyway. I figure, if I can get into a habit of writing something, anything, regularly, maybe I can get back into the habit of writing regularly. Because I didn't used to be like this about writing. I used to like, need, no, _want_ to do it regularly. Now... I dunno what brought on the change. Maybe it happened sometime during my first relationship. I dunno, maybe after my heart was ripped out, shown to me, and shredded into teeny weeny pieces, and just for good measure, stomped on until they were all very _flat_, teeny weeny pieces. Just before I wrote my poem about love lost... *shrugs*
Who knows?
Maybe I just had a chemical change because I grew up some. Bugger all if I know.
Nightsgale · Fri Aug 12, 2005 @ 08:43am · 0 Comments |
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1st entry, figured I'd put something up... |
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Well, I dunno really what to put up here. Don't have much that I need to talk about. Not really all that awake right now. I'm about to go hit the sack. I just thought I'd post something in my Journal to get it started. I'll probably post something tomorrow that's actually worth anyone's time to read, rather than this snippit of nothingness.
Nightsgale · Tue Aug 09, 2005 @ 10:38am · 2 Comments |
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