>_<; Mingo if you ever decide to check this journal, please don't. Please don't read. D:
YES! I made a journal after quitting =P doesn't that make sense?
This is my third journal I've made on gaia...the last two failed, lol, this one will probably fail as well but OH WELL! No one cares. <3 Lol, I'm so negative.
So now I'm going to make my first official entry:
As most of you know I've been thrown in Toronto...part willingly, part against my will. Part willingly because I wanted to see a very very special person that lives here (who at that time was my beloved) but part against my will because I was leaving many very very special people behind...people that I've know for quite a bit, and that know me very well. Some of those people are Sammy, Julia, and Mrs. Fink, I love all three very much because I -was- the person I -was- because of them (that didn't make any sense)~ I haven't spoken with Julia in a year...I really miss her and I wonder how she is, I wish there was some way I could know, but sadly there isn't because distance is a b***h. Sam and I speak that often, mostly we're busy with school or something else~ and Mrs. Fink...well yeah ^-^; I'LL WRITE TO YOU SOON! XD (Don't be mad at me).
I don't like being here anymore. Part of why is because I don't like the people in this city. I just don't. They're like lifeless robots, insane overstressed people, disgusting perverts or drugged idiots (and a FEW sane people here and there). Right now I fit into the "insane overstressed people" category. Have I brought this upon myself? I THINK NOT! It's not my stupid fault I'm not good enough for damned U.S.! I'm sorry I'm Venezuelan, okay Bush?! It's not my stupid fault we might get kicked out of a country AGAIN, it's not my fault I'm stressing out because of so many problems that are going on and it's causing me to be this very strange cold bitter being...it's not my fault, I can't help it. I hope no one in this world EVER goes through all this pain I'm going though, not ever, no matter who it is, I don't care. No one deserves to suffer like this, to not be good enough...
As you can see I'm all depressed and stuff because life is that way. All I needed was to know someone was there, to know someone was persistant enough to stay by my side, someone that would say "You're good enough". I thought my boyfriend was that person, but GOD was I wrong, right when I needed him the most, he thows me away like an old used rag...because I quote "It's a burden on my back", and...he found a better rag.
"You'll never know how much I love you.", "You're so perfect, you're the only one I want", "I stopped searching, if I can't be with you, I'll be with no one", "I'm so scared you'll leave me, I want to be with you forever"...
Those sweet words filled my heart with joy...and I was blinded by them, wasn't I? With a very invisible blindfold he put on me- and I didn't even notice...he never meant those words, did he?. It's true isn't it? He's said those words to every girl, he never really took us seriously, did he?. He didn't give me 100% of his love, faith, trust, hope, patience and understanding...but I did, actually, I gave him more, I didn't just give him 100% of myself, no, in my eyes it wasn't enough for someone as special as him, I love him so much, I gave him my 110%. This is what I get for that, a huge slap in the face, and a shove into an empty room with a locked door...I really trusted him, I had no doubts whatsoever, and I believed in us without holding back, I never held back. I just re-re-re-read the post he made for me two years ago on his journal, and I just noticed he never loved me the way I loved him. He just liked me as a friend...I feel like such an idiot.
"We were never together", "It doesn't feel right", "Our dream wasn't meant to be", "I changed", "You changed", "I hate your dad", "You wanted this"...
He has such a passion for hurting me, doesn't this? How about something deep from the bottom of my heart to him? Here: "You'll never know how much you've hurt me, love."
I know, I know, I'm killing myself, but I can't help it...and please don't just come to me and say "Just move on", "Just forget about it", "He's not worth it, you're much better", or "There's someone better out there". It's not so easy, I want to walk away, but at the same time I want to stay, like I'm half dead and half alive, half in the past and half in the present, half sane and half insane, come back to me! COME BACK RED SNOW! XD DAMNIT, GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE!
I'll never be able to love anyone like I loved you, without worries, or being afraid to be hurt...
Heh, I need someone to make me laugh, someone to make me feel complete (Ew, the song Incomplete is so uncool =_=; ), those people back in Florida...my friends, they can make me feel better...too bad things are the way they are. It's very interesting how this is...in a way I feel like Alice in Wonderland, when the path was being eraesed and she had no where to go...and everything was too dark...I forgot what happened after that o.o;
Depression is bad. It's very bad. Specially when you can't control it and you have a JOB, and it's worse when you have more than one job. This depression is going to affect my future big time...I'm going to try out to get accepted into Cardinal Carters Academy for the Arts (CCAA)...just one problem, there's 3 auditions, and only the best of the best will be accepted. The first audition will be an examination of a portfolio with my art in it. Yeah I bet you're thinking "Oh that's easy, she'll ace it" WRONG! They have a list of what they want me to paint...and right now, I'm REALLY not in the mood to follow anyone's rules, nor am I in the mood to paint anything at all...my good friend Rosio brought me to her house yesterday, and she told me "I will help you find your inspiration, no matter what is takes, I know it's in there hidden somewhere, we'll pull it out" and she didn't just say it, she did it. (Yay!) I was able to paint something, (not what I was required to paint but hey, it's a start) and she interprets art, because painting show how you feel, and she said: "Confusion de hijo de puta" (LMAO!!) which means: "Confusion of a son of a b***h". Sorry it's funnier in spanish =P. Anyway, she's right, I'm just confused, or just really depressed, I don't know, I don't know anything anymore...yeah I'm confused =_=;
I think I'm almost done with this post ^-^; Sorry it's so long, just shows all the things going on in my head...
I want to thank Mog-chan dearly for all her wonderful advice and all her help...I just don't know if I can ever recover from this, if I'll ever be that strong, bold person I was before, that person that shined so much, the dullness of the rest of the people shined as well...I want to be that person again, but that task seems so impossible...but please believe in me, because if you don't...who will? I still think you shouldn't waste your time though Mog-chan ^-^; I'm sure you have better things to do than deal with a depressed person like me...
O_O OMG, I've never written so much in my life =_=; by the way all of these things you're reading...it's just one day of thoughts, ONE DAY! Everyday I think about the same things, sometimes more, sometimes less...I'm afraid of having nothing to do...because I know my thoughts will attack me, I try to avoid thinking, like the other day I was working in the office cleaning up papers and folders...I was thinking about something that made me very angry, I grabbed a folder and threw it in a box...'-'; the girl that was working with me told me "You don't have to destroy it, you know." D: I'M SORRY!! I'M SO SORRY!! >.<' Sigh~
ANYWAY, yeah, I'm sure people have better things to do than read this journal entry wink so just go on with your life, and have a wonderful day!~!! heart
P.S. I've been reading alot of Shakespeare and Allan Poe, so forgive me if I sound a bit "overdramatic" ^-^.
[Red Snow] Community Member 
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