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I am having a panic attack, and it's stopping me from sleeping. It is eleven fifty-seven right now, and I have just spent HOURS tossing and turning and crying my goddam eyes out because I can't stop thinking and freaking out.

Over ******** windows.

There is something seriously wrong with me.

But see, I have this little problem: I can't sleep with a window that isn't covered.

It isn't just the light, although I am a very light sleeper, and unless I'm INCREDIBLY tired I won't be able to sleep when there's even the slightest bit of brightness.

It's that I can't stand the thought of being able to look out my window, and I can't stand the thought of someone looking in.

And I have been crying all ******** night because I can't even take the THOUGHT of having to sleep with an uncovered window. That's right, I'm not freaking out over having an uncovered window, I'm freaking out over the thought of one.

Why? Because I'm moving soon.

And my new room has this really nice window. It's the kind where you think about the normal rectangle-shaped window, and then you add a half-circle to the top of it.

Normally, this wouldn't be a problem.

But see, although the lower rectangle part has this really shitty shade that you can see though, the top is completely uncovered.

And apparently it's illegal for me to put a blackout curtain on the ******** window. The neighborhood association can call the cops on you if they decide that your house is "unappealing".

******** YOU. That is in direct violation of MY right to ******** privacy. There is no ******** way that I am sleeping in that room if the window is uncovered.

And I have no idea why this is bothering me to the point where I am having a panic attack, I have no idea why I'm so afraid of windows, but I CAN'T STAND IT.

And get this: Blinds for a half-circle window are apparently REALLY ******** EXPENSIVE, but mom won't let me just get normal blinds and have them extend beyond the window frame.

Because that would mess with the decor, in MY room, which she shouldn't even BE in. And she wants a house that she finally owns to be NICE.

I am sobbing as I ******** write this, because I can't stand the idea of being watched, and she's worried about the ******** DECOR. I would give up the goddam cable if the would just let me tack a thick piece of dark cloth over the window. I would give almost anything to stop freaking out right now.

And we move in mid-july, so I don't even know why I'm ******** worrying NOW, but I can't stop. The tears are gradually starting to slow though. They'll come back, but they're lessining for now. Maybe if I just stop drinking water I'll be too dehydrated to cry.

And what really ******** sucks is that the window is directly across from the door, and I'm pretty sure dad's gonna make me put the desk right under it.

Facing a window with the door at my back.

and that scares the hell out of me.

This must be what a paranoid psychotic break feels like...