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I've found I do the most writing when I should be sleeping. Ah well.
I think it's starting again. Last year I had a horrid slump, a great void of luck where every day was awful with just enough good to keep me going. Damn thing lasted about two months, and I pray to every god that it will be shorter this time.
Having time by myself is a blessing and a curse, I suppose. I have time to think, but yet I have time to think. I get ideas for stories, sayings, pictures and everything to tickle the imagination, but thoughts always end up focused on myself. Focused on how much I've ******** up over the years, and how little I've managed to learn from my mistakes. Christ, I've destroyed at least one life, not counting my own, that I'm sure of. How many of you can say that?
I used to think of myself as a good person, and damnit, I try to be. At least that's what I keep telling myself. good in whose eyes? Surely not my own.
Do you have any idea how disheartening it is to wonder if you will survive your next birthday? A ******** grown man almost dropping tears as he works because he is thinking about how unfulfilling his life is, and what the future holds. Grown man my a**, my self view hasn't changed since elementary school, I'm still a ******** scared little kid.
I need to find someone to be with. Being alone for just about 24 years is almost all I can take. How the ******** is a person to meet anyone? "Go to a bar, get a drunk chick." way to make me feel like s**t.
If only it could happen like in the movies, eh? Life's never easy.
 The Infested · Tue Sep 04, 2007 @ 11:05am · 1 Comments |
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Music to end the world by. |
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I got my hands on 10,000 days early, naughty me. I'm very impressed and firmly believe that Tool will and can never disapoint me. I plan to buy the actual cd the next time I get to a music store that has it. mmmm goodness from the speakers.
I'll save you all posting lyrics, because seriously, who reads lyrics that are posted in journals?
I've been thinking, and I know exactly what I want to do in life, but I can not. Well, unless I did something like win the lottery. It may sound odd coming from me, but I want to go to school and learn, but not so I can get a job, or any one thing in particular. I just want to learn anything that seems to intrest me. And I want to raise a kid, and teach it what I learn. How much does that surprise you? Yes, I actually do want a kid. *shrug* I don't see it happening, but one can dream, eh?
realistic, blah. what do I see for myself? Working at a gass station, fast food place or a wall*mart type location for the rest of my life and doing it alone. "So do something about it!" Someone tell me how. I need guidence. more than anything in life, I need guidence, someone or something to at least suggest something, and maybe boot me in the a** in the right direction. I'm such a dependant person, I don't know what would happen if I ever found myself really alone with nobody to depend on.
Yes I do.
I would end.
The Infested · Tue May 02, 2006 @ 08:07am · 4 Comments |
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I missed my own one year.
huzzah for me I suppose.
The Infested · Wed Mar 22, 2006 @ 07:17am · 0 Comments |
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cross my heart hope to die stick a needle in my eye. |
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Do you believe in good and evil? Do you think of it as black and white, like a child's fairy tale? You're a fool if you do. For the fun of this post though, let's play pretend. Is killing a human evil? I bet you at first thought yes, but you may have stopped and then thought, well you know, sometimes it can be a good thing. The whole "it depends" angle. If the person is evil, then kill them.
Why? Yes, I'm going to play the why game. Why? Well, to stop them from killing more. Ok, but couldn't we just lock them up? Yes you say, but it takes room and money, it is so much easier to take their life and dump their corpse. Sure, sure, but why not use them? Say you have a confessed multiple murderer. Ooooo what an evil person, do you care what happens to this person, as long as the person is evil? Let's say he's condemned to death, his life is over really, he's a few minutes from the chair. Right now you can call him a walking corpse, and you have a choice. You know all of those experiments that need testing but the government says it's not save to test on people? Would using this "walking corpse" for tests, possibly fatal tests be evil?
Is it more evil, less or just as evil to do tests on animals? I'm not getting into THAT war, not now but maybe you see what I mean. Lots of people have different views, and evil is neither black or white or universal, it is all objective.
Do "evil" people consider themselves evil? I doubt it highly.
The Infested · Sat Feb 18, 2006 @ 11:13am · 1 Comments |
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You know those times in the winter when it's perfect? Let me explain. Make it between midnight and three in the morning, and have heavily falling big fluffy snow. Now make it cole enough for snow, but not so cold that your cheeks freeze. Now take away all wind, all sound and all movement save the falling snow. That, my friend, is perfection.
I miss that. It's so very lonely but at the same time, it's not. It is so amazingly calming, so very relaxing, I want a time like that again. I want to lie down in it and just let the snow fall.
I bet it would be rather comfortable.
The Infested · Mon Feb 13, 2006 @ 09:57am · 1 Comments |
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I'm just going to put this out there.
Someone save me. Get me out of this room, this building, this routine, this hole that I'm in.
I don't have the strength to do it myself.
I'm wilting. I need to meet people, to grow socially. I need something to fill my mind, so I stop filling the couch, and filling my gut.
I've been here forever it seems, and I know next to nobody. Pathetic, I know people online better than I know anyone in the area. Sure, I have nothing against people online, I quite like a few of them in fact, but for one, they live nowhere near me, and two you can only do so much with someone you only know as a screen name.
I'm not sure where to go with this from here. I'd like to go to school, for the lone reason of having something to do, but there's the matter of funding, and I happen to have negative cash flow right now. Maybe finding a job will help me, possibly I'll meet some people.
Heh, doubtful. Eight years at my last job and I ever hang out with one person really, and that's in the past due to me moving.
It's times like this that I am so close to just packing my stuff in the night and going back to everything, but I quit everything in life, I will not let this be like that.
Maybe I'll take that road trip that I was thinking about for years. Take all my cash, and just leave, for who knows how long and nobody knows where.
Yeah right, not alone. My worst fear is being alone. My biggest weakness.
The Infested · Sun Jan 15, 2006 @ 08:22am · 2 Comments |
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Not a creature was stirring... |
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Heading home for christmas tomorrow. I'm kind of excited, but I also don't really care. I'll get to say hello to people, but I'll also be bored a good deal of the time.
Christmas hasn't really meant anything to me in years now. I don't even care for snow anymore. Damn I'm becoming a horrible scrooge.
I spend far too much time online lately. I'm meeting people, but they are all just user names, things I will never meet, so does it matter?
I need to get out, meet some flesh and blood, something with a face to the name.
First things first, I need a job. I'd whore myself out if I thought I'd make a penny, but I'm sure I would lose cash in that deal.
Anyway, I should be asleep, but I can't seem to get there. I assume getting into bed and turning out the lights would help, but that didn't work last night. Sleep, blah. Life would be so much more productive if we didn't need to sleep.
I know some people don't, or don't for long or often. Insomniacs.
I haven't done research, nor do i know much about it, but I wonder if it can just come and go on it's own?
I wonder if there's a cause?
I stumbled uopn a phobia list not too far back, 'twas rather interesting. I fail to remember if there was one for fearing things crawling on or around you in your sleep, but I do remember seeing one just for fear of sleep. I'll be damned if I can think of the name, but that's not important.
I just went to brush my teeth and I heard a sound in the kitchen. I pulled the light to life and glanced behind me towards the floor. We have another roomate that I didn't know about. Small, grey, furry and rather mouse-like in every way. Don't ask me why, but I think it's a she.
Not that this has much to do with anything, but it makes you wonder how many unknowns are scuttling about just out of view?
Or while your eyes are closed.
The Infested · Fri Dec 23, 2005 @ 11:11am · 1 Comments |
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I have found that seeing lots of happy people makes me depressed. How ******** up is that? neutral
The Infested · Sun Dec 11, 2005 @ 11:17am · 1 Comments |
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Secrets, sercets everywhere, but not a one to tell. |
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How well do you like your best friend? how understanding of them are you?
What if they dropped a bombshell on you, told you a deep secret of theirs that would cause most people to instantly hate them?
Would you listen to what they had to say, continue your friendship, or would you stop right there?
Yes, I'm talking about something big, possibly prison worthy.
Say they did tell you something like that, would you, COULD you even believe them?
How about especially if it was someone that never did anything bad to another soul?
Makes you wonder how well you actually know your friends and family.
(this may be a sneak peek of an in the works story, or maybe not.)
wink
The Infested · Fri Dec 09, 2005 @ 11:04am · 1 Comments |
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