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smiles. laughter. beauty. love...

hearts racing. pounding, beating together as one...

im starting to realize that i always fall for the worst guys. i always fall for the guys i can't have.

Ive fallen for a pk, a preachers kid. we constantly flirt and talk and hes so amazing. but it would never happen. i wish he was mine. my ethan...

Words. Silence. Stares. Worry...

Im starting to realize that i have like zero self confidence. Many times ive had something to say. and I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. Because i can't say it. Ive noticed this especially in school. My teacher will ask a question, and no one will answer. and ill think of the answer, and whisper it to myself. then i always find out that im right. But i can't raise my hand, and i can't speak for fear of humiliation of being wrong.




Sooner or later i just have to cast my insecurities away.
find the voice inside of me
find the words that i can say
rise up and find my personality
i need the confidence
to be me

Busy. Bustling. Many Faces. Colors. Paints. Brushes. Hearts racing, beating...

St.James day. I of course volunteered to face paint. i love art so much. still i felt weird helping my new church. missing my old. but the man of my dreams Ethan was standing next to me attempting to create balloon animals. he wasnt very good though. i was so pissed cause one little girl continued to interogate me about him while i painted a butterfly on her face.

Is he your boyfriend? do you like him? i think he likes you. isnt he cute? your pretty, does he think your pretty?

if only i could answer those questions. yes, yes, yes.

if only, if only.

if only ethan was mine.

that day was fun though because i go to share pizza with josiah and paint his face like a clown. im starting to think josiah is like an amazing new best friend. we get along so well. we believe the same things.

maybe the church switch wasnt so bad. but i still miss stjlc. i miss my friends.

but at least i have my ethan!

Lights. Blocking. Stage. Costumes. Setting. Emotion...

all elements of the theater. the theater i love.

thats why i take intro to theater is one of my electives. so today my group had to act out our scene that we wrote recently. big disastor. i was one of the only ones who remembered my lines. my other group members gabby and jess acted like idiots and giggled the whole time. curse idiot freshmen who can't take anything seriously. i was happy to see my friend tina in intro and her method of my carrying my books is working well.

beautiful disaster:


thats what my life always seems to be. minus the beautiful part. everything goes wrong. i always mess up. im always rejected. im a failure at life arent i.
i really hate writing in journals and im always on the computer.

soooo ive decided to write about my life in this blog.

you can read about it. laugh at it. or give me advice. i really don't care...

beatuful disaster:

what my life will always be...