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CLUCK.

thats it.. blaugh

Bold or Not
INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Bold the things that are true about you.
3. Whatever you don't bold is false.
4. Comments from the person are writen in the ().

01. I miss somebody right now
02. I don't watch much TV these days
03. I love olives
04. I love sleeping
05. I own lots of books
06. I wear glasses or contact lenses
07. I love to play video games
09. I've watched porn movies
10. I have been in a threesome
11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship
12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy
13. I have acne free skin
14. I like and respect Al Sharpton
15. I curse frequently
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
17. I have a hobby
18. I've been told I: (women) have an applebottom, (men) am packing.
19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me
20. I'm really, really smart
21. I've never broken someone's bones
22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal
23. I hate the rain
24. I'm paranoid at times
25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scars
26. I need money right now!
27. I love Sushi
28. I talk really, really fast ..
29. I have fresh breath in the morning
30. I have semi-long hair
31. I have lost money in Las Vegas
32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister
33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
34. I shave my legs (females) or face (males) on a regular basis
35. I have a twin had at birth, died at birth as well
36. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past
37. I couldn't survive without Caller I.D.
38. I like the way that I look sometimes
39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months
40. I know how to do cornrows
41. I am usually pessimistic
42. I have a lot of mood swings
43. I think prostitution should be legalized
44. I think Britney Spears is hot
45. I have cheated on a significant other in the past
46. I have a hidden talent
47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have
48. I think that I'm popular
49. I am currently single ???
50. I have kissed someone of the same sex
51. I enjoy talking on the phone
52. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants
53. I love to shop.
54. I would rather shop than eat
55. I would classify myself as ghetto.
56. I'm bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders.
57. I'm obsessed with my Ujournal or Livejournal
58. I don't hate anyone.
59. I'm a pretty good dancer
60. I don't think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington
61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother
62. I have a cell phone
63. I believe in God - not the christian way though
64. I watch MTV on a daily basis
65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months
66. I love drama
67. I have never been in a real relationship before
68. I've rejected someone before
69. I currently have a crush on someone
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
71. I want to have children in the future
72. I have changed a diaper before
73. I've called the cops on a friend before
74. I bite my nails
75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club
76. I'm not allergic to anything
77. I have a lot to learn
78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger
79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube's newest "Friday" movie
80. I am very shy around the opposite sex sometimes
81. I'm online 24/7, even as an away message
82. I have at least 5 away messages saved
83. I have tried alcohol or drugs before
84. I have made a move on a friend's significant other in the past
85. I own the "South Park" movie
86. I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal
87. When I was a kid I played "the birds and the bees" with a neighbor or chum
88. I enjoy some country music
90. I eat babies
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can
92. I'm obsessive, a**l retentive, and often a perfectionist
93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career
94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all
95. I know all the words to Slick Rick's "Children's Story"
96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it Larry ^^
98. I have dated a close friend's ex
99. I'm happy as of this moment

There are so many things I want in life, and they just arent possible.
SO many would be solved just by having more money.. I could get my fat removed, buy a new car with no issues, fly wherever I want, whenever I want, hell, MOVE..
Why does Love have to be so difficult.
Finding it, keeping it, losing it. Questioning if it even exsists..
My heart has been broken so many times.. I dont know how much more I can take.. I feel like, I no longer tell people how I feel because I dont want to open myself to be hurt.. Even small things, riduculous things.
Like online, and gaia, and stuff. Why do I let things bother me, that are such a small part of my life? Although, this is such a big part of my life, now that I dont have a life! *sigh*
I dunno if anyone reads these or not, I doubt it..
The day I came to gaia, someone who told me about it, he said I should sign up, and I did. Then he said I could be his gaia gf, and gave me a box of sweets. Then not too long after that, he said he has a gaia gf, and I said "me", and he said someone else. So every now and then I'd mention it when he said, "my gaia gf", I would say me, and I dont think he knew I was saying it. So now there is this wedding, for them. I feel like a friggen loser for feeling betrayed, but then again, I dunno why this wedding is even happening. What is the point? To legally share gold? I dunno. I dont see a point, wasting gold on a tux and crap, for no reason. For show? Advertisment of some sort? GOLD? I dunno, but it hurts me. It makes me saddish... Left out, and un-loved. I'll get over it, but in the meantime, I wanna scream at him, dont do it! *Unless its me and not her....* Im weird..

I dunno. You get the idea, I am, that.
Tomorrow I have to go for an MRI on my head, well today now.
Im kinda nervous, and I have to go alone. I hate being alone.
You know something weird, since i was like 8, Ive always known I wouldnt live a long life, ive always felt i would die of un-natural causes. weird huh? creepy.. I dunno, eveytime i get sick or drive in the car, or something i think, is this it? probably not a healthy thing to do.
i get the feeling also when i think about my future and getting married and having kids, I dont think its going to happen. my life has been one depressing thing after another, why would i be happy from now on. of COURSE im gonna be depressed forever.. and alone, and i cant stand to think about it. i always feel stuck. like i can do no better than how my life is now. ALL of my friends have future plans. I DONT.! I used to have everything planned, now i wouldnt mind half-assing it, just to be happy, sometimes. and not sad ALL the time.
and im so sick of being wanted for only one thing. how can i not be good enough to be a gf, but good enough for other thing? *wow* hard to explain in rated PG... moving on.
I wish... If I could have just one wish... I would want my Dad back. Its so hard not having my Dad here... I hate everyday because hes not here.. I miss him so much. He was the only person who knew me and understood me, because we were so much alike.
crying
OK now that im crying I'll go now...
Dawnie
heart

It was Saturday, and I spent the nite at home with my mother playing scrabble. I never go out. Im always lonely, yet Id rather be on the phone for 2-3 hours a nite with someone ive never met, and probably never will. Im almost 24 years old, I need to start thinking about my future, but I never want to look forward and get my hopes up. How sad is that? I dont want to see myself happy, cause i *know* i will be let down. I spend my whole day, and whole nite at work thinking about the same thing, and then I get home, and stare at the clock and count backwards. Im so stupid, its really a waste of time, but its the only thing I look forward to anymore. I dont miss going out and trying to fake who I am. I dont miss being stuck in a situation I dont want to be in, but right now Id take any kind of attention I can handle. Good or bad. Ive never been the type of person who did anything alone, and now Ive grown acustom to it. I dont want to be alone anymore. Alone in so many ways. AND Im also a chicken s**t who can never really say what she feels. I dont think that will ever change. I make something sound like a joke but I know it really isnt, and I really wish I could just SAY IT instead of killing myself thinking about it. If only there were a replay button, say what I want, if it doesnt work, I can rewind and try again.. Cause I dont wanna say something that will change anything. But then again I know me and I know itll probably blow over in a few months, when I finally do grow the balls to say something and it doesnt have replay. Im tired.. Too much thinking.. Nite..