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I woke up this morning, and quite possibly for the first time on the correct side of the bed after so many years. I've been sitting on the idea of writing some sort of blog or post or something along those lines for a while, but I've never thought what I had to say good enough, or at least good enough for people to read. I'm writing now because because I feel this is good enough for me. Some parts of me want this to be read by everyone, other parts want this to be read by only a few people, and some other parts don't give a hoot who reads this, just so long as I get my thoughts written down somewhere that can be accessed at a later date.

So, in this note, I'm not trying to be pompous and say that I am correct (although some that have seen me at my most indignant moments might say otherwise). I am merely stating observations that I found relevant to my life, and those of others whose lives I have come in contact with in the past few months to a year, maybe more. Yes, I suppose I'd like comments, critiques, praise (who doesn't at some point), but mainly I'd like this to be read, and I'd like to know that it was read, and I'd like to know if anyone actually felt like I said something here (not so much ego, more curiosity).

As some people know, my experiences in the past almost year has been unlike any other time in my, albeit short, lifetime. I've seen some of the lows a person can reach (especially in myself), and I've seen how that can affect the people around someone. I've observed how even the most rotten and disgusting thing can bear fruit and life, much like a rotting log or carcass can house or feed other creatures. I've learned that life is a complicated thing, and the laws of Equivalent Exchange do work, although in some ways I don't always understand or see right away.

Looking at myself, and my actions of the past (insert time measurement here), I've found one vitally important, at least to me, concept. One can go through life after an unwanted event wishing things would return to the way they once were or that things could be idyllic and such. Or, one can accept that, quite frankly, s**t, and big s**t, happens, and mistakes are made. One can then commit oneself to correcting any mistakes to the best of one's ability. Once one has felt that one has given their best, and very little progress has been made, one can simply say "that's that, I did my best and all that I knew how to do, now it's time to move on".

In a much more personal note, there is someone that I truly care about very much, and miss more than I can describe. As much pain as I've felt in regards to my own life, nothing pains me more than seeing the pain she has been caused, especially by my actions. As afraid as I am to admit it, I made mistakes, horrible ones, that I am only just starting to forgive myself for. Nothing in this world would make me happier than to have the girl I fell in love with in my arms again. I'd give anything to have that happen. However, I don't know when I'll see her, so I'd just as soon give the same things to know that she's happy again.

So anyway... I kinda went a few places there, different emotions, different reasons for writing each paragraph. I'm sure whatever perception is contrived of each paragraph is correct. For those of you that have been on the inside track of my life the past year, hope you have an understanding of where I am at now. For those of you that have thought "what's up with him" hope you have a bit of an understanding (haha if you think you know the whole me!) of me.