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meep... im just gonna babble for a bit.. to get out some pint up emotions.. and frankly, I dont give a damn if i upset anyone, or if anyone is offended by this. meh... well, I do. but I give up. im tired of trying to make people happy... because it never works. I cant ever make the people I care about happy. I never asked for any of this. I never ******** asked for any of it. Id gladly give up my talent, my happiness, my love just for everyone else to be happy. and I HAVE. Ive given up so much to try to make people happy. but ******** it. im sick and tired of killing myself, worrying, crying over the sorrow of others. they can just shove it mad im sick and tired of people that feel so damn sorry for themselves that they have to ruin other peoples lives too.
I want to be happy... and I am... or I was... the past week has been one of the bests of my whole life... im in love... and my future is starting to look half way good... Ive never had anything to look forward too before. never. ive always been miserable. Ive always been the one to cry, to put my feelings aside to help others. ive always tried to help others... and they shove my love and concern back in my face. like all my suffering and sacrifice doesnt matter. I guess it doesnt matter... thats why im giving up. im going to put my happiness first from now on. cause im sick of it. hell, I sacrifice my happiness to make others happy, which results in us all being miserable...someone might as well be happy. and dammit its my time... ive never been truly happy. and now that its in my grasp, im going to take it.
I dont understand how she can feel like that. Have I ever done anything to her? Ive never purposely went out of my way to ruin her life. Ive always tried to help her. When she was with Josh, I was left in the ditch, alone. I whimpered alittle from the lonliness, but I was happy for her! SO happy for her! seeing her so happy... and in love, it made me happy in a way... I was happy for her... why cant she return the favor...? She had her time. her time of love and happiness... why cant I have mine? I want mine... I think I deserve mine... I want her to be happy for me... sad and she isnt ignored... I dont ignore her. And if I do, its not because of Heart, its because shes so ******** depressed all the time. I cant stand it. I cant take people like that. GET. OVER. IT. I got over my depression, even before meeting Heart. being sad all the time isnt going to fix your life... you have to fix your own life. I know she misses Josh, but for gods sake she needs to just let it go... she doesnt need a man to make her happy... and im still her best friend. if she wasnt so negative Id love being with her.. I do love being with her... but its so depressing... I feel like I have to hide myself around her, terrified that ill make her depressed again. I feel uncomfortable talking to her about Jay... because it makes her sad. I cant talk about her problems, because it makes her sad... I cant talk to her about school and the future, because it makes her sad. what am I suppose to do? im lost... theres nothing else I can do... accept break up with Jay, not talk to Josh ever again and focus every second of my life on her. but I refuse to do that. thats just ******** selfish.
Amanda, tell me. what I can do to make you happy? because im really lost right now. I dont know what I can do. I want you to be happy...I do so much... cry i just dont know what to do. youre my best friend. I love you. I love you so much... im trying to help you, but Im begining to think that I cant anymore... I dont think ill ever be able to make you happy... but if there is something I can do, please tell me. I feel so lost... i tried. I tried to do the right thing. I ******** gave up my prom date so YOU could go with him... most people wouldnt do that... and I wanted to go with Josh. I really did... but I gladly told him to go with you. but you said no. so I guess that was thrown back into my face too.
So yea. im going to prom with Josh. well, if he still wants too... he might say he doesnt want to go with either of us anymore, but if that happens I guess thats ok too. but im going, and im gonna have fun mad its prom! id MUCH rather you go too... because itd be no where near as fun if you didnt go... I want you to go... ;-; we need to go dress shopping... you need to get a dress.... so you can go... and we can do the electric slide together... ill even pay for your dinner! crying
And then Crash ******** still likes me... -_-;; her and Crash got back together.. which is really good, cause she doesnt bug me as much now... but I know it wont last. Cami pulls Crash around by the leg, tossing her around. She breaks up with her like... every other week... im sick of their fighting >.< And im really starting to dislike Cami... shes really become a bipolar b***h... x.x i feel so sorry for Crash ;-; shes always so sad over her... but sometimes that gets on my nerves too... >.>;; GET OVER IT @___X;;; mur... u.u;; maybe im just mean... but I dont think I am... i try to help >.< but god... after over a month of nothing but whinning.. it really starts to eat away at you... x__x;; I wish them the best though... just wish Crash would stop likeing me... >_>;;;;;;
unn... but im gonna attempt to end this entry with alittle happiness... ^^;;; so here goes x.x;;
w00t! x333 me, Josh, and amanda are going to the movies tomarrow!! we're gonna go see Constantine.... again... x___x;;;;;;; itll the the THIRD time ive seen it... but eh... its what he wants to see... ^^;;; i dont mind seeing it again I suppose... but oh well, itll be with two of my bestest friends, so it should be fun :3
whee Jay is gonna buy his tickets today!!! well hopefully anyway >w< hes coming the 28th!!! im sooooo excited!! i have so much work to do before he comes... x.x;; and mom is gonna use him coming as an excuse to remodel the whole house... >.>;;; and make me help x.x but oh well >w< itll be worth it! i want everything to be perfect when he comes.. so ive gotta do some serious cleaning, remodeling... and not to mention lose a bit of weight... i want to be pretty when he comes TwT I reallyhope hes likes me, and that we hit it off... im gonna be uber sad if we dont gonk but I think we will... ^^ I hope anyway. I cant wait for him to come and fall in love and live happily ever after together XDD urnn... yea right... >.> well anyways, im just looking forward to it ^^ .... but I wish he would be happy too... sad he gets sad easily too... *sighs* i do too I guess... but I try to stay postitive, cause if i let it swallow me then ill get depressed... and depression doesnt help anything X___x;;; its going to be hard when he leaves.... but I know itll turn out ok ^^ we'll just have to look forward to christmas! besides, we'll both be busy with school and stuff, so maybe it wont be so bad ^___^- i hope not anyway x.X;;; *luffs him uber muchly*
AND OMFG! XD me and [404 Error] (Rin) are having an art auction!!! >w<!! I got it all typed up last night... *nod nod* I just need to work out a few details with her, then get examples and itll be ready to go! ^o^ hopefully itll be opened tonight, but if not it will be tomarrow! ^____^- im so excited! and SO honored! i never thought I'd be doing this >w< shes like my idol! and we're gonna do piccys together ^^ I just know itll be awesome x333 heart domokun and gets looots of gooldies... ninja
muurr... well im happy now >w< I love you alls! *clings to everyone that reads this* Love you Jay-cuddle-love-kawaii-kit-chan-kun heart And I love you too Amanda 3nodding I hope youre not too upset after reading this gonk *loves you uber much and wants you to be happy*
 kousei · Thu Mar 17, 2005 @ 04:02pm · 4 Comments |
