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My tears are so salty. I felt really insecure a while ago. Was in the living room, just got home from tutoring. Maths, I know, tutoring. what kinna idiot teenager... when ever I cant do something on my own I feel helpless, useless, worthless. I know I shouldn't but c'est la vie. C'est ma vie.
My tutor teaches me well, Apparently she is a uni lecturer... She has like a Russian sounding accent. Which is so totally awesome! Actually its kinna a mix between count Dracula and that little puppet girl with the blond hair... fringe, pink face, puppet on sesame street? anyone no? But fifty minutes into the hour long session my head is spinning. For at least 10 whole minutes I'm nodding aimlessly...
Chem is worse. The guy isn't bad, just that he reads to me 90% and teaches me 5% of the time. The extra 5 is me refusing to talk or answer questions coz I'm sick of it.
I hate the fact that I have to do it anyway but I know my parents do it for my own good.
Anyway at home, I felt tired... I'm always tired but I made cookies yesterday, for my friends but especially one who turned 17 today - she's in my Physics class. Anyway, I did that cooking, all night till late, when my dad got home, so I was tired after that. It didn't help that I didn't eat for that whole day till I finished those cookies. Tired, funky stomach and stressing about the usual, homework, friends...ect, my parents then decided I should perform for them... I can play the piano, my parents just haven't realized that I play it badly yet.
So plainly they were asking me to use more brain power, brain poer which I didn't posses at the time and the same goes for now... and maybe the rest of the year. Anyway, they nagged, bribed, got my little sisters to play and so I gave in. They requested the God Father Theme Song - Speak softly Love. I mentioned before I hate when I can't do something... well this was one of those moments, but with more pressure, with an audience, who have expectations and standards, who are in a happy mood, and who i should fit in with, who I have to live with... I fluked most of it, but tears ran down my face so much that I could hardly see the keys. It was one of my most crappy performances in my life. They thanked me, I got up and left the room, tears still flowing, Lucky I was in the bathroom coz I puked.
Like full on, the cookies, the potato chips, a bit of egg and sausage and rice... strangely it was green ish and blue. Took me a while to realise that the colous was from the medicine I needed for my cold. Yep, top off my brain dead state with that! The potatoe really stood out, was all layer ish... yer. I saw it again tonight. Don't get me wrong, not bullemic in anyway I just think I throw up when I'm stressed... or have had chips?
Damn 8 minutes left. ok, so In the lounge room thinking about how lucky I am to have parents like I do. I mean they got me this laptop (or note book, whatever) that I'm typing on right now and it has wireless net, so I'm finally doing this in privacy. I slept when I got home from school today, THATS how tierd I was. And so I was resting or warming my self by the heater when I reacher for my leg or bottom of my pants when I suddenly got pricked by the pin that was suppose to be keeping them the right length. I started bleeding and my mum rushed to get me a bandaid. I felt really loved. When ever I'm tierd it shows. and I always ask for hugs. I asked Mum for one and it was a really long comfy one. brought back memories of when I was young and stuff... I mean, I don't wanna grow old or ever forget the feeling of that warmth. I think that started it. I told her what happened when she asked and She said she'd fix them for me. Loved feeling #2. She ...
no more time. finish later
 Eb0nI · Tue Aug 21, 2007 @ 03:10pm · 0 Comments |
