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dear joey.

i look back at when we were little kids, joey. the time i remember most was when i was about 11 and you were 9. we discovered mom's vodka. haha! i took it out of the fridge and wanted to taste it and you got so mad because it made your throat burn. somehow we managed to spill it all over the place. so after a few panic attacks we went and tried to clean it all up. and filled the vodka bottle with water. we were so devious. dad laughed, mom was pissed, and the apartment smelled like vodka for days. good times. true, that's not the only thing i remember about you. we grew up together. hell, you were my little brother. we used to play all the time. we survived the divorce, the abuse, the drugs, the lies, all of it. i realize everything went wrong when we moved to the beach with dad and his fiance. you got into some s**t i can't even imagine putting myself through and actually enjoying it.

a year later you were found dead in your bathroom floor, 14 years old with so much to offer. and i still can't forgive myself for that day. i remember it so clearly. i was in tennessee with my roommates watching some movie in a daze when i shouldve been there in sc, with you. dad called me, he couldn't even cry he was so scared. all i remember was him saying was "get the ******** over here" nothing more than that. i took that long 7 hour drive wondering what was going on only to come home to for my dad to say come home. i walked in the house. you don't understand how empty it felt without you welcoming me. i waited impatiently as mom, lori, and john stared at me with those hollow eyes. dad wouldn't say anything to me for a while. he was silent for that long awkward wait. and i waited for a response only to learn you overdosed.

i could have stopped you. i had no idea you were going to do this to yourself. i had no idea you had been hurting so much. you should have told me. and still to this day, i think about you. you were were my best friend, my little brother, my own blood. how could you do this to me? dad? all of our friends? yourself? i'd like to know. i don't even know if you really meant to do this, maybe it was an accident or maybe i'm in denial. you were 14, joey, only 14. do you even realize when you did this to us? a ******** week before christmas. and let me tell you, that was the worst christmas ever. it didn't feel like christmas at all. and i was going to be there in a few days to celebrate it with you. but no, you had to do this. i have so much anger for you yet so much love and hatred. it's all mixed, bro, and i still don't understand. you broke my heart. and it's yet to heal. it was a waste, joey, a ******** waste. i don't even know what went through your mind to make you do that. you couldve been so much more.

i'm going to your grave whenever i get back to sc tomorrow.
be there waiting for me.

love, jesse.