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Haven't posted in a bit. I'm waiting for my room mate to come out of the bathroom to take me to work, So I suppose I should post something here.


My sister arrives in two days, I still need to get the apartment straightened, so there's nothing the baby can get ahold of while she's here. *giggles* I can't wait to see them both again.

Relatives are arriving for Christmas today, and more to come in the next few days, I'm sure. It's like the whole friggin' family is coming this year! I guess new babies have that effect on people.

Single again... hurray. Ah well, maybe that will change someday.

Have I ever had anything but praise to offer you for your work? Maybe you should keep that in mind. Either that, or I should just learn to be numb, because you're too petty to say anything nice.

Bah.

I ******** give up. Why did I even bother coming back here?

It's hard to keep from feeling invisible... It's hard to keep from getting discouraged anymore.

Things haven't been right or okay for a long time, I guess... It's hard to keep from feeling lost.

My writing lays untouched. I try to make it better. But the better I find I make it, better in my eyes, the more ignored it becomes. The more I say, the less people see me. The darker the days become, the more invisible and more lost I feel.

I'm working on my novel despite all of it. I won't give up... it's not my obsession of proving people wrong that drives me to do it. It's my own love, my love for writing, for expression that drives me to do it. I love my writing... I love to write. Writing is my purge, my way of keeping myself sane.

But it's hard... I don't know if I'm doing it for anyone but myself, don't know if it's going to go anywhere. It's hard when my time is wasted writing things that only I see... I know it shouldn't be about what other people think and see, but I want to know... if I'm just wasting my time.

I want... I don't know what I want. I want to be selfish. I want everything I want... even if I don't know what it is. I just want it. I just want more.

Is it strange to want to get all dressed up to go someplace just because you can?

... Maybe I'm getting dressed up because I get to see him again tonight, perhaps, and I'm just excited about it. I dunno... All I do know for sure is I'm all dressed up, my lotion makes me smell really nice and I did my hair for once.

And the only thing I might be doing tonight is... nothing. Or going out somewhere where I really don't need to be so dressed up. I'm wearing a gods damned skirt! Gah!

Had such a good night last night, like, such an incredibly good night. My friend Brandon came over, bringing my one female friend Mina with him, and myself, those two and my room mate, Ryan, spent the night just hanging out and talking about things we did in highschool, playing around with this little plastic toy ball (the kind that little things from those coin machines come in) and throwing Rockets at one another. There was a lot of poking involved too...

It just reminded me of how much I like Brandon. Like... REALLY like Brandon. Especially when he looked at me over dinner and said "I still owe you a dance."

Me: *blink* "Huh?"
Him: "Remember? From Grad night... I still owe you a dance."
Me: *BLUSH TERRIBLY and laugh* Oh! Yeah! I wonder if that will ever happen..."
Him: *Shrug* "Y'never know."
Me: *stare across table and blush*


Oh! And I asked him if I could take him out to dinner, just the two of us sometime (We were with people last night) and he said sure... I like that. Hee. *blush* Wow, I sound like I'm in highschool. Bleh!

Whee! I love it when old flames catch up to you and you suddenly find that old flame becoming something new, brighter and hotter than before.

Not fair... *sighs* I wish I knew if this path I'm walking is leading me in a good direction. I really, really, REALLY want it to work, whatever 'it' is. Everything keeps leading me back to this guy... everything, everything.

Someone is trying to tell us something... *looks around*

Look at me when you shoot a bullet through my head, through my head...


Enough of the lies. Enough stupidity. Enough doing something for someone else even if I don't want it myself.

Enough living this way.

It ends and next time, I won't do it again. I'll make sure I don't have to say goodbye.

Sort this mess out first, this mess that's me, and see what happens next...

What I hate even more than having that feeling is when that feeling just... refuses to go away. Flat out refuses.

It's making me feel worse and worse, making me question everything I was sure I was sure about. I'm not sure at all. Nothing at all is certain.

Haven't heard from my fiance in days... spent the night with HIM again last night, that old friends that new feelings are bothering me about. Can't... keep... him... out of my head. What's worse is people now tell me, "He would give you a chance."

And last night in the car, oh gods, he told me (after my ex made a few hair raising turns and accelerations on a wet highway) that when I'm with him, I'm safe.

Always...

Those words made me ache inside. Now it's at the point that I'm ready to give up everything I have to give this a chance, but ********, what kind of a person would I be if I did that?! What kind of a person does that over and over again?!

What's worse is I'm beginning to realize I've been lying to myself again about who I am and what I want. I don't want what I have, I don't want to be this person I'm being pressured to be by the person I love. I don't want to lose my inhibitions... I don't want to be some dirty little whore who fools around just because it turns her SO on. NO! That's not me! It's not what I want! I don't care how submissive I am, I will NEVER BE WHAT HE WANTS!

I can't be... it makes me sick thinking about it.

... And it makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him. He's not chasing the skirts of other girls, but he tells me sometimes that it turns him on thinking of being with other women. He tells me that a lot, actually.

... ******** me, what am I doing?