WELL!!! Cleaning the house like a little b*tch and feeling gawd awful now!! i felt better DURING the day, but I just hate life... :'3 my journal entries are rather personal... XD But I kinda don't mind people reading them!! Like my dear kels-sama~~~ heart heart
Oh hellz, love hurts like a b*tch... Especially unreturned feelings... and GODD*MN my DREAMS!!! I dreamt of things like they once were... kinda. It was beautiful... and It made me really happy... I wish things could have been that way between the two of us... And I can't stop wishing such a thing... I'm quite angry and envious... lucky him to find two people to love so soon... Life probably seems like a very good dream for him... It fills my heart with envy and desire... and yet stabs it with sadness... I really wish things could have been different... *sighs* Everything's f*cked up for me inside... I find myself looking at the username and looking down at the thing on the home page for Gaia... just to see what they're doing... (kels-sama probably knows the name of this person... but i won't say names... for the sake of certain things...) Life is awful... I don't understand how it can be so sweet and then so distasteful... I hate pain inside... I want to do away with everything... and I'd love to give up memories, even though the ones I hold with that person were happy ones... and they made me feel so well inside... Yet... they cause me so much pain now... and I remember them... I can still feel the feelings I once felt... and my heart longs for it again... I can still taste what I once tasted upon my lips and tongue... I can still feel the soft embrace (though it was rather violent...heh)I can still smell the scent that you carried... a lulling smell... an addictive fragrance... All tiny reminders bring to mind those wonderful days... all memories awaken and come back... haunting me relentlessly... Possessing my thoughts. My body shivers at each one as it is replayed once again through my mind. And it makes my heart greedy. It makes me crave and lust after what I once knew... what I once felt... to refeel those feelings... to be so drunk off of my own d*mn happiness yet again and feel as if everything was perfect... and I couldn't need more. My heart still wants this one thing... above everything... and then to need nothing...because it was EVERYTHING... My stomach hurts now... I feel sick. I've never felt this sad before... The love was something I valued oh so much... above everything... and I would give anything for it... but now it is no longer within my reach... and forever will be that way... there's nothing for me to live for, to strive for... I can't even try to get it back... I'm only left behind... I'm the only one still wanting... still NEEDING... the sole being of my love and the only love that will take away this pain... It's a foolish thing for me to feel and think... I've been a fool all along... thinking that I could ever have anything like that... that those kinds of feelings ever had anything to do with me... It was too good to be true... and I knew it all along... yet I wanted to BELIEVE... It made me so ecstatic...
Well... listening to Depeche Mode songs... they're quite pretty... and relax my soul... "I feel loved" sounds funny though XDD!!! It actually makes me happy... and it makes me cry... I could have sang this song proudly at the top of my lungs for all the world to hear, only about a week ago... hm... "halo" is a lovely song too!! I think I'll give ya some lyrics to read... or something? GOSH MY TUMMY HURTS!!!
You wear guilt...Like shackles on your feet
Like a halo in reverse...I can feel
The discomfort in your seat...And in your head it's worse
There's a pain...A famine in your heart
An aching to be free...Can't you see
All love's luxuries...Are here for you and me
And when our world...They fall apart
When the walls come tumbling in...Though we may deserve it
It will be worth it
But your chains...Your lips of tragedy
And fall into my arms...And when our worlds
They fall apart...When the walls come tumbling in
Though we may deserve it...It will be worth it
3nodding So that was halo... it's a great song once you listen to it... so are all depeche mode songs, for that matter!! XDD They're quite relieving and wondrous!! here's one... "Precious"... so d*mn pretty...
Precious and fragile things...Need special handling
My God what have we done to You?
We always try to share...The tenderest of care
Now look what we have put You through...
Things get damaged...Things get broken
I thought we'd manage...But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle...There was so little left to give
Angels with silver wings...Shouldn't know suffering
I wish I could take the pain for You
If God has a master plan...That only He understands
I hope it's Your eyes He's seeing through
Things get damaged...Things get broken
I thought we'd manage...But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle...There was so little left to give
I pray You learn to trust...Have faith in both of us
And keep room in Your heart for two
Things get damaged...Things get broken
I thought we'd manage...But words left unspoken
Left us so brittle ...There was so little left to give
*sniffles* I wish I felt great... I wish I felt like the most important freakin person, through my eyes... I find myself to be quite selfish... But I really can't help it at all... there are many things that I can't change about myself... like the desire to be happy and loved... and to feel great... Then again, love is something all humans NEED... XDD
I saw strange bug today inside my bus window... it had three long, thin things coming out from its abdomen...and it was rather ugly... but I still couldn't help but stare at it... and how it struggled to get out from the window... well, later
OKAY!!! SO I'M MAKING THIS LITTLE BABY LONGER EVEN THOUGH I ALREADY MADE IT PRETTY LONG AND JAMES COMMENTED ON IT!! HEE HEE~!! I FEEL UBERLY HAPPY YET SAD RIGHT NOW AND IT FEELS MEGALLY ODD I THINK IM BIPOLAR LIKE... REALLY~!! *smiles brightly* HAHAHA~!!! *dances around* *squee!!!* i feel all giggly and stuffs inside!! *cuddles a panda doll* ehheh~!! XDD It's really so unlike me to be depressed about things in the first place anyway~!! XDDD I'M FREAKIN' EXPLOSIVE FUN GIRL HELLZ YEAH!! FUX YEAH!! *huggles panda doll* *chu~!!* X333 i love saying that word!! heart heart heart *jumps up and down* I'M A NIGHT PERSON!! YEAH!! I CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!! PPLZ ARE COMIN OVER TO FREAKIN' PARTY WITH MEH!! WE'LL GET DRUNK! AND NAKED!! HAHA, JUST KIDDING~!! *winks* wink hee hee! or am i... ? *shifty eyes* yeah!! i shouldn't be so depressed!! >:3 my smile can LIGHT THE WORLD AND BLOW IT UP !!! WOOOOT!!! x333 DRUNKEN MONKEY DANCING TOMORROW!! CAN'T WAIT~!! >:3 well... I thinks that this might be all for now... ciao~! loves~!! *chu~!* haha!
OK!! DAY'S SUMMARY!!:: CAFE LAST PERIOD!! CHOKE THE BABIES! EAT THE BABIES!! SHAKE THEM! SNAP THEIR HEADS OFF TO STOP THE STUPID CRYING!! XDDD!!! GAYNESS!! YEAH!! AND PLAYING SOCCER!! IT WAS ACTUALLY FUN!! IT WAS THE LAST DAY!! GOING DOWN IN A BLAZE OF GLORY!! MY GIRL TEAM ROCKED!! (only two lazy a** guys) I HAVE MAD 5k1LL5!! or something...XDDD!!! AH!! AND WHITE STUFF!! GETTING IN ME AND BECCA'S FACES!! WE HAD TO DODGE IT ALL TO SAVE OUR PURE SELVES!!! DAMN WHITE STUFF!! GARR!!! XDD heart heart
Well, i'm really tired right now... back to being depressed >.<!!! gosh darns!! oh~!!! and a midnight shower... yeah... that'll make me sleep well... hopefully i dont have yet ANOTHER dream of HIM... grr... well, nighty night ya'll!! Oyasumi nasai~!! *chu!* heart blaugh
 ExplosiveFunGirl · Fri May 04, 2007 @ 11:39pm · 1 Comments |
