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I don't want to exist. It seems all I do is hurt people. I don't want to die, I want to go out of existance, I don't want people to remember me. I had my self worth, once, but now I all I want is it back. I feel lost and empty, like a shell with no crab. I want to feel agian, love, compassion, friendship, but all I seem to do is reject my friends and loved ones. I have loved a few people, one does'nt want me anymore. One I broke her heart, and I refuse to let it happen to her agian. One I'm letting slip through my fingers. And dear dear Paulina, I'll never see you agian after these last four weeks. It seems everything that I once or do love is leaving me. After death I believe you still feel, thats why I don't want to die. Is there any way we can go on without feeling? Or always have it no matter what?

And then theres my friends: Lydia I try so hard to help, but you're hurting yourself so much, why do you do that?! Mike does'nt love you! I do! I REALLY do, as a friend or maybe more. You can't let him throw you around like that!

I truely love my friends, and I'm just going to lose them, like I lost a few others. Does anyone feel this way other than me? I would go to the end of the Earth for most of you, but you don't see it. You don't care. People look at me like a sad joke, but I'm not! I'm not! I have a reason to be here! Just becasue I don't know it yet, does'nt mean your better than me. Why we have to suffer? We're the only people I know that deserve happiness (maybe not me).

I have so much love I can't give because I'm scared of rejection. But all you you make me feel that.

One boy I loved, just left me in the dust becasue I said something to upset him. I really loved him, with all my heart,it was you baby who I thought about every night before I went to bed and the first thing when I woke up.

And if any of you died I'd be devestated. Sophie you the most, you bring me the most happiness, your carefree ways, and smile, I never see you sad.

But it's me, Ann Lily Carson, who is lucky to have all of you, I feel overwhelmed by good feelings people have towards me that I don't deserve. Why? Wy do you guys like me much less love me? Sure I'm nice sometimes, but really if you know me, I'm loner, I don't understand the love you guys have for me! What am I doing? Why do I have friends I don't deserve?

And why? Why are humans so cruel and so great at the same time? I DON'T UNDERSTAND! I feel so bad thinking theres people out there who are'nt loved, becasue frankly, thats all there really is when it comes down to it, if you don't have love, nothing is worth anything, you don't exsist if you are'nt loved.

I want to love so much, but I am so scared. If I open up will I be rejected like I was by someone who I will not name? I just want to love and be loved, I would give anything for an eternity of love and compassion, all my money, everything I own, my physical form.

Doesa anyone else share these feelings? Is anyone as lost as I am?