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if I've asked you not to read my journal, don't read farther back than this post. thank you. <3

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not that anyone ever reads this.
for that matter nobody even listens to me.
jesus, I wish that people would at least stop pretending to be my friends.

if you're going to say you're gonna do something for me, then do it -- this is ******** important to me. >.>

if you're going to call me a ******** b***h, you think I wanna hug you again five minutes later?

if you're going to say you love me, you think I'm gonna wanna say it back if you won't even ******** call me when you swear you will?
yeah, and don't play dumb. I'm not stupid. you act all oblivious when I'm upset, like you don't know I am all though I'm totally out of it all the time. maybe I'd ******** like to know someone cares!?

I mean jesus, I didn't know this great-uncle of mine [[those not in the know, my great-uncle died]], but it's still pretty ******** painful to go to a funeral. and to go back to my old home, how ******** painful that was?

yeah, I hurt myself so that those people I happen to care about aren't hurt by me. I ******** hatehatehate it. so stop being an idiot. if you don't like me then tell me so and ignore me. don't ******** hang around and call me a b***h, or completely ignore me when I need you most. I know you're just avoiding me, so be ******** honest at *least.*

if you don't ******** love me anymore then just tell me
and we can move on.
that's all.
before I get even more pissed.
I'll go on pretending to be happy now,
or go commit seppuku,
if it doesn't ******** bother you.

...
crying

edit;
yes, I have been happier and less depressed recently.
but I'm holding myself up one-handedly.
I feel like I'm holding up my little pillar of happiness in the middle of a huge depressing canyon.
the friends I don't have are supposed to be building a bridge so I can escape.

all they're ******** doing is digging the gap wider while trying to pull the wool over my eyes that they're almost done with that bridge.


you should ******** know who you are, if you ever should read this. and get the ******** hint. or do I have to slap anybody across the face and yell it at them before they realize I need them? sweet ******** christ... stare

edit-edit; the Celine Dion thing? we're singing My Heart Will Go On in choir, or in other words I'm going to be depressed every waking school day of my life 'til the end of the year. u-u; and I'll be listening to it daily after school as well, because it'll be stuck in my head because of that.