Current Mood: Tired/Sick/Depressed (a bit)
Currently Listening to: My sister's TV (muffled)/the comp modem
I'm a morbid person.
Of course, I may not appear that way.
Sometimes it's just random--I might think about how it's like to be dead.
Will it be like sleep?
Or will we float on another spiritual plane or something?
But mostly, it's about life.
Would you rather be rich in material things, or in love? A spouse and children, or an apartment in New York and a nice car?
Would you have a financially good family that sees you as not enough, or a humble one who loves what you are?
Honestly--and this is something I've never actually said out loud (public or private)--
My father makes me sick.
I love him, and I hate him.
Love him, since he's my father and all.
And I hate him for many reasons.
A father shouldn't put down his children so much that it brings them to tears.
Furthermore, he should react as fast as his feet can carry them when he hears them sobbing in their rooms.
And lastly, he shouldn't say how stupid the mistakes they made are going to ruin their lives when they're crying right in front of him, and the siblings have to hand each other paper napkins to dry their tears.
It makes me sick how he stands in the kitchen, reading a newspaper, when his daughter is crying. And he can definately hear it.
He makes me feel as if I'm not good enough. "Half empty." Insufficient.
He's not proud of me.
And how can I be proud of myself, when my father isn't?
How can I have self-esteem when I feel this way?
When he's constantly telling me I'm going to mess up my life at one point?
It makes me want to disappear from the face the earth sometimes.
I wouldn't have to feel so crummy.
But then, there are the good things in life.
The really good things.
Friends.
Family.
Love.
They make you feel guilty just for thinking about a thing like that.
And you think about--well, at least I do--how they would feel if you were gone.
And I get a sinking feeling.
I think about how much of this messed-up life I'm gonna miss out on if I do go early.
Children that love me.
A special someone that'll love me.
Those are the good things that always balance out the bad.
And I promise to everyone, I won't be checking out any time soon.
So you all better do the same.
View User's Journal
WILL WORK FOR CHOCOLATE
The days when I have no chocolate, enough chocolate, and too much chocolate.
 |
sMaruski
Community Member |
User Comments: [1] [add]
User Comments: [1] [add]
Community Member
I've spent over ten minutes trying to figure out what to type, but everything that comes to mind just doesn't seem proper. Guess I won't try to write something moderately clever and brightening.
Remember that I love you, I love you now and I probably always will in some part of my heart. What comes to your future, I hope only the best for you, I hope that you get the life you want instead of having to try to impress your father.