Wonderful. Ab-so-lute-ly wonderful.
Today I watched a guy talk quite badly to his girlfriend. Or, at least, he was speaking to a girl that he was relatively close with. He was yelling at her and talking about how she was a slut, a pain, and a bimbo. He referenced numerous small events, dates, and what she said online. After five minutes the girl was crying and ran off to the washroom to cry.
Two weeks ago I went to the cafeteria at my High School and I caught a guy stealing food. He had slipped two burgers into a girl's napsack and went out of the cafeteria. Before he left I confronted him by saying "well.. that isn't right." He replied by asking what I was going to do about it. I laughed and just went with the line going toward the cashier.
A week ago my computer exploded. Two hours of filming, eighteen-some hours of narrating, and some ten hours of editing was down the tube. My film for the up coming Film Festival was destroyed... Along with my porn drive. The porn can be replaced, of course, but my hard work can't. More than 30 hours shoved into the toilet of no return.
A girl that I'm interested in isn't interested in me. Period. Girls constantly, from the conversations I partake in, complain about there not being any nice guys in the school. The guys at the school, they seem to say, are all taken or they're creeps. I'm not taken and nor am I a creep. I might be rather silent, but this muscular, 240 lb, 6'2", and philosophical grizzly bear is willing to date and have fun with girls. But people still seem to avoid me like the plague.
Hm. Now onto another topic: why I don't talk to my friends as often anymore. Well.. To those friends.. Stop for a moment when you see me. Look to your left then to your right. One: are you talking to someone of the opposite sex? Two: are you carrying a lot of books or heavy stuff? Three: are you in a large group that had several degenerates in it (pyromaniacs, goths, and stereotypes not included. Druggies + idiots are, however)? Four: am I carrying books or a backpack?
I do not like 'cockblocking', or interrupting my friends in their attempts to be with women. I don't like bothering people who are concentrating or doing something that consumes their energy. I don't like talking to people when I'm carrying a 40 lb backpack.... So I can't exactly talk a lot.
Nor can I talk in the middle of class. That's the last thing I can do. My personal freedom solely based on my marks. If I get higher marks, I don't have to deal with the stupidity of teachers, the public school board, social welfare, or any government run agency. Nor do I have to deal with the scorn of lesser students, since they're not in my classes (different streams- ex: LA 20-1 vs LA 20-2).
Also, if I can continue to have my marks I can remain to 'be' the same. Most of the people in my world are devoid of reasoning and are completely reliant on what people tell them. Or show them. In my case it's more about showing than telling. I am being watched for any sign of insanity or any sign of psychosis. They do have ample reason, though. My brothers all have psychotic disorders. Each one of them are either insane, on about 3-sets of pills, and can't deal with people. My little sister has been had troubles with her old school due to bullying (she moved, thank god, to another school), too.
With my brothers, who are all on pills, all are being investigated by government agencies, and all are being considered to be pushed into retardation/behavioural schools, I am on a very, very, very fine line. I cannot fail. I cannot get below the average. I cannot lose. Period. There is no option for failure.
... And if I lose I am screwed. Oh-so-very-screwed. I won't be able to accomplish my dreams. There will be no place for dreams if I'm on the pills my siblings are on. I will not be able to write, to create, or do anything I wish to do without the assistance of others. I've watched my brothers. All of them need help with their lives. The eldest cannot even go to the bank by himself. The second eldest is completely unable to get out of bed in the morning without someone prying him from it. My second youngest sibling isn't able to do anything constructive: nothing. So my fate would be to fall into their shameful pit of retardation.
As you can see- that is not an option for me. So I must fight with everything I have to beat every-single-thing that blocks me. Teachers, marks, psychologists, life, the computer.. In short: I've been stressed. Very stressed.
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Humbra
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User Comments: [1] [add]
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I do feel sorry for you, however. Best of luck in trying your hardest. Maybe I should do that sometime.