Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

This week is not my week at all. God I seriously don't even think I want to discuss how bad this week has been for me. I am really considering going back to the "goth" darkness and just not caring anymore. Well let's see, hm... Monday, should have been a good day, I had Pre-cal in the morning, not the best class, but well hey I really did well on my quiz, or so I thought, everybody in the class failed, except for the Calc genius that sits in the back right next to me. He of course got a perfect score, and our Pre-Cal teacher decided that he wants to be an a*****e about it, and let everybody have their grades drop dramatcially a letter grade, and not curve the exam. So yeah I got ******** royally. There goes making my father proud of me. And well hey it doesn't help that my a*****e Chem Teacher, has to join in, and be a b***h, she didn't grade two assignments for the whole class, and it's brought us all down alot, and I was so close to a "B", I need that "B", they are still very good in the eyes of colleges and in my father's eyes most importantly, I was just about ready to kill her, I told my father so many times what the both of them do to ruin my life, and he understands, but he expects me to overcome it, and still get good grades to back myself up.

Let's see should I add the hell I put myself through for Kaitlin, maybe I should make a quick reference for you eager beavers, well hm... where to start, ah yes, no I didn't ask her out, why you ask?, well it's simple, she is completley backed off from me, she couldn't even talk to me on Monday, she kept pushing me away, I was so super friendly to her, I tried to flirt, but it only made things worse, and well then our good friend Price comes along, and all of a sudden she is a flirt magnet. I mean I hinted to her that I would like to come over one day, and at least spend time with her, because her mom has this crazy idea that Kaitlin is not allowed to date guys, and she is very nasty to any of Kaitlin's guy friends. So well I suggested to Kaitlin to bring home a guy one day, prove to her mother that she is not a Lez, and that a guy actually likes her the way she is, no stings attached, or desire of sexual contact involved. She turned around and jokingly I suppose, asked Price if he wanted to come over for dinner. I was just sitting there, I just broke down inside, right in front of me she had to do it.

But hey I am a nice guy, I just accepted it, and just did my best to be glad that I didn't do anything stupid like ask her out. I began to realize that I made myself believe she actually had any interest in me. Because well I see her on campus from time to time, she sees me as well, she doesn't do a damn thing to come and talk to me, or have any eager personality to get to know me. I don't know what it is about me, that just completley turns her off, and makes her want to avoid me. It can't be my looks, because she already told me, that she doesn't think I look bad. She says I am a nice guy, so it can't be something about my personality, so honestly I am just so confused. And it doesnt' help that this s**t had to be added to my week of hell.

I still have to see her tomorrow, and well it just my luck because we have a free open gym period, oh joy stare , but well I decided, I will just give up, if she really likes me at all, and wants to consider me a friend, then well that's her choice. I mean her mother doesn't want her to have a boyfriend, she doesn't treat her guy friends right. I would be walking into a death trap, and well hey I am not stupid, I know that maybe Kaitlin could like me, enough to not want me to go through all that, but well I would be more than willing to endure all that, and prove her mother wrong, and prove Kaitlin wrong as well. I mean Kaitlin believes all guys to be sex addicts and only talking to girls because they want sex. I told her I am not like that. but well she just doesn't care, she told me plain out, and also the reason why I know she has no feelings for me at all, besides the fact that she doesn't even consider me a friend at all. She told me and I quote "You're nice but, honestly, If you fell off a cliff tomorrow and died It wouldn't realy affect me. nor would it if any of those other jerks out there died. "

so yea I mean I would love, seriously love to say that maybe I have even the slightest chance of her having any feelings for me friendship or more. But well nobody can deny that after reading that quote, I should probably just leave her alone, because this is serioiusly going nowhere, and fast. I mean I've known her since Jan. and have seriously started to talk to her recently. So well she should at least have feelings to want to talk to me, and hang out with me, as a friend. But hey the facts are the facts, and they come in black and white.

I am just a really stupid guy, I go after girls I have no chance of ever being with. This just keeps on happening to me. I mean my so called friend Alexis, has finally decided to ignore me completely. She won't answer my IM's anymore. So yeah her so called undying love for me, that she claimed to have but couldn't really say much about, because of her having a boyfriend now, well hey it's gone, nice of her to continue the cycle of how girls love to crush my heart, when I open it up completely to them.

Well whatever, I know what is going to happen in 8th months from now, my 18th birthday is approaching, and my destiny of death at a young age, is just flashing more and more before my eyes, I can't escape it, and God is trying to make it easier on the world, it's easier to lose one person in a world that cares nothing about that person, then to have people depend and care about that person, and cause even more grief and misery.

Well I have Friday to endure, so well I'll come home weak hearted, go to bed early, have a heart attack in my sleep, and there you go, solution to problems ending, and loss of nothing more than a boy who just couldn't take it anymore, and whose heart finally gave in.