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Well I feel like an a** about last night, I shouldn't have really reacted the way I did to her telling me that she was in love again, I mean what right do I have really? The answer would be none, and I should be happy for her, especially if I ever really loved her, I realize that now, it just hurt me so bad that she'd move on so quickly from me add the sleep deprivation and I guess I just let emotions take ahold of me. I really hope that she doesn't hate me now for the way I reacted, though if she did I would deserve it. I only want her to be happy, yes a part of me wanted that happiness to be with me, but we can't help who we love, and if she doesn't love me and loves someone else I just have to let go and let her do that and just be happy that she is happy. I just hope she doesn't end up getting hurt from it all, but it is her life and her choices to make I shouldn't butt my head into things that don't involve me.

I'll always love her and hold her dear to my heart, she was one of the best pieces of my life just like Roni once was, and I've grown a lot and know to just hold onto those good memories. She'll always be precious to me no matter if we're together or with other people, there's a special place for her in my heart and it'll always be that way.

If anyone I know deserves to know love it's her, and to be loved back by someone she loves is something I hope happens for her, she deserves that kind of happiness out of life. So all I can do is step back and hope that things work out for her. Me, I'll be fine infact now I am fine, did a lot of soul searching and thinking in the little time since I found out about things and I see things with much more clarity.

I should never try to force her to feel affection for me that's just wrong and selfish, all I can do is wish her the best and move on with my life as well. Am I going to out there and be desperate to find love and a new relationship again? Haha no, I'm going to do things just like I was planning on it, in the grand scheme of things nothing has really changed, I'm going to train body, mind, and soul and attempt to become someone who would make my grandfather proud. Now that I know that she has found love again I guess I can do my best to distract myself from my feelings for her and be more introspective. Life goes on even when it's painful for a while, the pain will pass and things will be good again, I will always be her friend if not boyfriend/lover, and that is enough for me. I will always love her, and tha tmeans that I would do anything to see her happy, even if that means seeing her with someone else as long as she's happy I will be fine.

I'm a trooper, and I can get up from as much pain as life throws at me so don't worry about me, I'll wipe myself off and get up and do my best to keep on moving forward, there's something out there meant for me, something special at least I think so. I don't know what it is yet, but I will oneday achieve it. I'm through with hoping for things as I said before, hoping and not doing anything just stalls your forward progress instead now I have a new determination, if I want something I am going to do my best to get it, not sit back and hope for it to come to me. Someday I'll make people proud of me.

As for love, I'm not going to rush things, I'm going to stay single for now and just be happy with myself, I need to love myself before I can give my heart away again, and right now to be honest it is still with the person I gave it too last. I know that she loves someone else but we can't help who we have feelings for so I shall continue to love her even if it is unrequitted love, until maybe my heart can be ready to move on and heal the pain that losing her caused. I hope that he makes her happy and treats her well, she deserves that at least, as for me I must first find myself again then maybe love will come to me. That's the one thing I am not determined to find right now, I am willing to sit back and wait to see what the future has in store for me, there is so much more to life, and I am still young, love, relationships, and oneday a family will come in their time, and who it is with I do not know only the future will tell that. I hope her future is full of happiness, that's about all I can do is hope for others, I don't think I'll do it for myself again.

I will become stronger, and I will make something of myself, just you wait and see. I won't be a failure anymore and I won't be this factured person that I am, I will be whole and strong, someone who can stand tall and gaze forward into the future without blinking or fear. That is what I wish to be, and I shall do my best to attain that goal. I think it's finally time to live up to the name my grandfather gave me, it's time to be Eiichi, no more excuses no more stalling, I won't give up this time. I am going to fight and claw my way there if I have too and then I shall see what the future holds for me. Well I'm going to end this blog post now so that I can put up another one right after about how I won't be online as much anymore, I'm going to be very busy starting next week.
-Jay