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You told me how much there was
that you wanted to say but couldn't.
So for Christmas you burned me

two CD's-one with music
you thought I'd like. and the other
filled with things you thought

I should hear. You tucked a letter
in the case. I locked myself in a room
to read it. Your instrustions:

listen to it alone and all at once.
You explained how it would tell me
the things you were wanting to say.

I waited until my roommate had left

"Hey, Man"

and laid on the futon in the living room, the world
tightening around my throatt, like one loop
of a shoelace encircling the other, until I was
off the futon, my back against the hardwood floor,
closer to the speaker, as easily parallel to heaves
as hell. I have so many questions to ask you,
but this is all the answer I have.

"Ain't that the way"

By the second track,
you told me you loved me.
I still wasn't crying
my body curling
into itself as the disc
spun in place, calling.
Think of how a planet circles
its small sun.

"The middle"

I don't want to underestimate it. I know it takes time.
One friend says to dive into work. Another knows
that's just how I got here.

"Relatign to a Psychopath"

I felt bad each time I called. Even while we were dating
I would pace by the phone, wondering

if you would be annoyed or begin to get tired of me.
You did and are still

making me pace, months later.

"Shadows"

As a child, I could see
faces in wood grain, cities
full of afmilies and dark fur

in stucco, linoleum or brick.
If the paint was peeling there was a story
in the shadowed distortion.

Rorschach's twisted children
laughed at the clowns in the living room;
Care bears rode on clouds
along the bathroom floor. I guess
I haven't stared at a surface
for as long since. The ceilig

seems to know your name.
The walls know how you spell it.

"Beautiful Way"

I remember: your alcoholic breath
the night you left your message,
how oyu whispered into my ear
even tohugh no one was home to hear,
vodka-laced kisses at Dan's house,
his couch, your tuxedo, the whole room
dizzy as now, only your face clear.

"Trouble"

I think this is where I cried.
I was waiting and waiting
for you to say you were sorry
for ending us, that you were stupid
and unkind.
Piano crooning,
it's slow bass humming like a car wreck.
I felt it ticking through the floor
and imagined myself in the box
being struck aong the chords.


"Long Walk"

That first night we stayed up together until almost dawn,
after watching Alice play at a coffee shop.
You sat with her boyfriend and I sat behind you,
watching you turn, every couple minutes, just enough

to look at me. Those early looks were my favorites.
You didn't seem to know exactly what you were doing

and gave me more then you knew. We talked the night,
surprised, we said, we hadn't met sooner.

"Got 'til it's Gone"

We watched Alice sing at a restaurant.
You requested "Big yellow Taxi,"
and, after, ran across University Avenue
to buy candy at the gas station: Sour skittles,
because you liked the red ones. Greg,
you're such a child- I think that's why
I loved you the little you let me. Youi smiled
at the kids as they stared at how tall you were.
And when they smiled back, I knew
I was asfe with you. I thought of children
on your shoulders made tall as gaints
and decided there was a future- yes, for us,
but also a future for me.

"How to Disappear"

I wish you would
call me. I wish you would
talk to me, expain.
I wish you knew
me, how I only need
a word and a wish
of love. I wish you
knew what I wanted
and could see I'm not
something to fear.
I wish you could see
why I love you
and how little.

"Resolution"

Alice comes home and asks if I'm all rigt.
I think of the night you and I mether for dinner,
sat her downas one would a child and told her
what we had heard about her boyfriend.

Later, you asked what I would do
and were so happy when I said I would leave you,
because my insistence implied my loyalty.
I thought there was a safe place-

Maybe there is, but I thought that place
was somewhere between your ear and shoulder.
Alice looks at me when she asks how I am
and I think of the night we told her,

how she didn't seem surprised. I'm sure, now, she was.
I imagine her anger, take it in, put it on. I build myslef
a room with your infidelity. But, of course, you weren't-
how can I call it infidelity if you dumped me just before?

I watch my hand rise to wipe me cheeks, my sorrow
seeming less and less legitimate, until all I can do
is fall into her. I don't remember, but maybe
she'll remind me how, shaking, I answered

Billy Merrell
Copyright