Andrew: Of course.
Me: Why didn't you mention that it would hurt if I were with Sadie?
Andrew: Nothing would change it. You made this decision on your own.
Me: But I didn't want it to hurt you, that's why I had asked.
Me: But.. I talked to Sadie and we came to an agreement
Me: We both agree that we're closer as friends and that we avoided each other slightly when we had a "relationship", if it could be called such because of the avoidance.
Andrew: I see.
Andrew signed off at 7:50:52 PM.
Have you ever had that surge of depression that came from seeing someone you love leave suddenly only 9 seconds after saying 2 words to you...? Is it bad for me to feel this way? I feel like all I do only leads to more hurt and I can't stand it... I already have 3 new marks on my arm from the CD Rami let me break and keep a couple shards of.. Is it right to love someone so much you would bleed to show them just how much you need them in your life..? When Mike left me I didn't hurt this much.. but now with Andrew.. he makes me question so much.. even my own sanity and worth. I can't stand feeling this way.. I feel like I'm worth nothing at all except to be someone's toy - like those dolls you wind up and let loose that turn around after so long and come back to you. Its like dogs - you throw the ball and they go for it then they return happily in hopes of more. But eventually the same old same old gets boring so the other person walks away and leaves you there..
Why is it I'm such a clingy emotional whore? Yes, a whore. KNow why? Because apparantly my decision to try a relationship out with Sadie was the "whore path" according to Renae. So once again I have another label slapped to me just because of one choice. I can't make anyone happy unless I'm happy but I can't be happy if the ones I love aren't happy so why the ******** am I even bothering with trying to please so many people so they'll be happy with me? Everyone has their people that they love, whether they're friends or lovers or family, and all I have are people who tell me they care about me but in turn hurt me or people who tell me they care but we can hardly spend time together.
Martina McBride
How Far
There's a boat, I could sail away
There's the sky, I could catch a plane
There's a train, there's the tracks
I could leave and I could choose to not come back
Oh never come back
There you are, giving up the fight
Here I am begging you to try
Talk to me, let me in
But you just put your wall back up again
Oh when's it gonna end
(Chorus smile
How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far
There's a chance I could change my mind
But I won't, not till you decide
What you want, what you need
Do you even care if I stay or leave
Oh, what's it gonna be
(Chorus)
Out of this chair, or just across the room
Halfway down the block or halfway to the moon
How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say
Yeah I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far
There's a boat, I could sail away
There's the sky, I could catch a plane
There's a train, there's the tracks
I could leave and I could choose to not come back
Oh never come back
There you are, giving up the fight
Here I am begging you to try
Talk to me, let me in
But you just put your wall back up again
Oh when's it gonna end
(Chorus smile
How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far
There's a chance I could change my mind
But I won't, not till you decide
What you want, what you need
Do you even care if I stay or leave
Oh, what's it gonna be
(Chorus)
Out of this chair, or just across the room
Halfway down the block or halfway to the moon
How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say
Yeah I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far
