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well last night I had a really badish kind of dream. It just really shook me up in my head is all. In it I was a child again, probably around five or six, and I was all alone in the dark, curled up with my knees touching my chest as I rocked back and forth crying. I felt so lonely and lost in it, until there was a hand infront of me and a voice "What's wrong?" I looked up and there was my grandmother, and behind her stood my grandfather who stepped forward and picked me up and set me on my feet "you have to be stronger Eiichi, what would make you cry so much?" he says in a stern voice but the love and concern in his eyes takes the bite out of the words.
"I was lost..." I said in a small voice still feeling afraid.
He reaches down and ruffles my hair and smiles "well we're here now and you're safe, so no more tears. You have to be strong and be a man." he reaches down taking me by one hand as my grandmother takes the other and we start to walk. As we walked I steadily grew older and when I was just becoming a teenager my grandfather let go of my hand and he vanished. Then my grandmother and I kept on walking but she looked just as lost and as scared as I was. It was as if with him leaving she lost a piece of herself and her joy of life. Like she was just waiting now, waiting to be back with him. Then as I neared twenty five my grandmother let go of my hand too. I reached out to her, but she looked at me with a sad smile before she too vanished. I dropped to the ground again and started to cry, feeling lost inside. Then another person behind me said in a very stern voice "oh grow up, let her go to him. You can't be a child forever." I stood up quickly and turned wiping at my eyes with my shirt sleeve. I looked at the person feeling angry at the words the person said and then I stopped startled by what I saw. It was me but it wasn't, it was what I figure other people must see me as sometimes. Someone strong and confident, someone with a nobility about them and just a comforting aura, a warrior who could also be a healer, with clear eyes and clarity of vision. Seeing this and knowing how different I am from that I felt suddenly small again, and I looked down and noticed I was once again a child "I-I just wanted to say goodbye..." I said looking down at the ground. He kneeled before he and lifted my face by the chin so I looked him in the eyes "Practice what you preach Jamie, as long as you remember them and love them they are never gone. Even if you can't see them they are always with you, because they are in your heart." I felt myself lose control as I started crying again and this other me wrapped his arms around me holding me in a comforting manner "it's okay Jamie, I'm here and I will keep you safe, trust me things will get better."

that's when I woke up, and that's about all I'm going to write down about that. Sometimes I feel like there's three main facets of who I am. There's the innocent child, the one who loves so hard and feels lose so badly. There's the me that others see in me though it might be buried really deep at times. Then there is the darker side of me, the cruel side that will do anything to further my own ends. The one who is more beastial at times yet is also so cold and uncaring. I guess the real me is somewhere in there just lost, or is a combination of all these various persona's. I have no idea myself, I just know that this dream momentarily made me very sad. I'll miss you grandma, and like all the others you'll always be with me.