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The Easter Bunny is not Jesus' Animagus form.

I am not allowed to sing the "Badger Badger" song whenever I pass a group of Hufflepuffs.

- Not even if there's a Slytherin nearby as well. ("A snake! A snake! Oh, it's a snake!" wink

Nor is Dobby actually Gollum, and I should stop trying to get The One Ring from him.

I will not insist that Voldemort's castle is actually a large house between two hills in a country I found in the wardrobe.

I will not draw an H on Percy Weasley's forehead.

Hogwarts does not have a student council. Even if it did, they would not wear the rose seal. Therefore I will cease going after the prefects with a sword.

It is wrong to refer to Aragog as "Charlotte".

I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry Potter's prized Firebolt.

Professor Flitwick's first name in not Yoda.

I will not refer to the hippogryph as "Horseybird".

I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.

-Or any other Slytherin.

I will not "borrow" a prefects' badge for Peeves.

I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor.

-Nor am I the Care of Witches Underwear Professor.

-I am not a Professor, at all.

I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice.

-I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.

-It was not an honest mistake.

I will not swap Draco's broom with one out of Filch's broom cupboard.

I am not allowed to eat Chocolate Frogs in Potions class.

-Even if I brought enough for everyone.

-Emptying a bag full of them onto Professor Snape's desk to prove this last is unacceptable behavior.

Chemistry and Potions don't mix.

Professor Snape does not enjoy being called "Snookums".

-Neither does he respond favourably to "Sev", "Snapey-Poo" or "Debbie".

First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.

Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in June.

I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"

My headmaster's name is Albus Dumbledore, not "Gandalf."

Neville is not my valet.

When given a directive by my house prefect, I should not insist that "we don't need no stinking badges."

First-years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.

I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin house mascot.

I should not ask Professor McGonagall if, while in cat form, she has ever gone into heat.

I will not tell the Muggleborn first-years that the Forbidden Forest's real name is Mirkwood.

I am not to conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in Snape's classroom.

The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid

Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from "Phantom of the Opera."

I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life." to Lord Voldemort.

I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.

I will not refer to "The Grim" as a nice doggy.

I will not refer to Professor Lupin as a nice doggy.

I will not ask Professor Sprout where the Jolly Green Giant is.

I will not subvert the lock on the fourth-floor girls' bathroom and sell its location to first-years as "The Chamber of Secrets".

I am not allowed to ink my owl's feet, have it walk across a parchment, and sell the result as cheat sheets for Ancient Runes, even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it.

I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force".

I will no longer wear a hood, walk up to Harry, and claim to be his real father.

Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege".

A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.

I will not send Professor Snape toothpaste and Shampoo for Christmas.

I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.

I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.

I will not refer to Professor McGonagall as Catwoman, no matter how funny she would look in tight leather.

-Nor will I ask her if she is Catwoman in disguise.

I am to stop asking Professor Snape to Yule Ball.

I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations.

Humming/singing/referring in any way to Duran Duran's "Hungry Like the Wolf" around Professor Lupin is inappropriate. It's best not to bring up "Thriller", either.

Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.

Taking red paint and writing creepy messages on the walls is not funny, either.

Not allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if hot gay sex will occur.

-Not allowed to lock anyone in a closet to see if any kind of sex will occur.

May not have a private army.

-Not even if it technically belongs to someone else.

Should not encourage the house-elves to unionize.

Must stop referring to the professors by the embarrassing nicknames they acquired in their school days.

I must not substitute chocolate-flavored laxative for Professor Lupin's prescription-strength chocolate.

Nor am I to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy.

Portable Swamps are not funny.

Bubotubers are not filled with tasty honey, and it is wrong to tell First Years that they are.

Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying "The library is closed for an indefinite time period" amusing in any sense.

Mad-Eye Moody knows his eye is creepy, he does not need to be told... again.

Stealing first-years' clothing and then tossing it into and around the whomping willow is highly frowned at.

Mrs. Norris does not like playing with blast-ended skrewts.

Sneaking slugs into Ron's food is not funny. He does not like being reminded of his incident.

Trying to out-argue a Slytherin will lead to no good.

Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such.

I am not the wicked witch of the west.

-I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either.

I will not melt if water is poured over me.

-Neither will Professor Umbridge.

Lucius Malfoy is not my "sugar daddy" and I will not claim he is.

-That goes double when Draco Malfoy is within earshot.

"To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.

-No, not even though you are a witch.

No part of the school uniform is edible.

-Not allowed to make any part of the school uniform edible.

Not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.

-Not allowed to use silencing charms my Prefects.

-Not allowed to use silencing charms, period.

Not allowed to prophesy the end of the world more than once.

Madame Hooch's name is just that, a name. Will not ask her to share.

-Also will not ask her to fly under the influence.

Will not try to recreate the Whomping Willow in herbology class.

Astronomy class will not cause me to be abducted by aliens.

Will not charm Hermione's time turner to rotate every half-hour.

I will not refer to McGonagall as "the cat-girl."

(fuyu no neko's codicils-

- Nor will I attempt to stop her transformation part way through.

- Not even if catgirls are "cute." wink

- The same goes for Hermione

I will not spread rumors that Trelawney is "riding" Firenze after hours.

I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.

I will not test my Potions assigments by spiking Snape's drink with them.

- Especially not all of them at once.

The Muggle known as George W. Bush is not related to or working for Lord Voldemort in any way, and I am to stop insinuating that he is.

I will stop sending Professor Snape forged love notes that appear to be from Professor Lupin.

I will stop asking Professor Lupin exactly what goes on between him and Professor Snape when he brings him the Wolfsbane potion every month.

Luna Lovegood does not have pointed ears, nor is she to be addressed as 'Galadriel'.

Lucius Malfoy also does not have pointed ears, nor is he to be addressed as 'Haldir'.

I am not to sing 'We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!' when sent to the Headmaster's office'.

- I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as a backing group.

'Not enough room to swing a cat in here' is a Muggle saying, not a testable hypothesis.

- Especially not with Mrs. Norris.

- Not with Professor McGonnagall either

Thestrals do not resemble the Muggle toys known as 'My Little Pony'.

I am not to hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout 'I... HAVE... THE... POWER!!!'

I am not a Vampire Slayer and Professor Lupin is not my Watcher.

-I am not to attempt to stake Professor Snape.

When Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout 'To the Batmobile, Robin!'

There are spoons.

-I will not destroy, transfigure, disappear or rename the cutlery so that there are no spoons.

I will not commit crimes and then say I was under the Imperius curse.

I will not insult people and then say I was given Veritaserum.

-I will not give people Veritaserum.

I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort

The house elves are not there to do my homework.

-Neither are the ghosts.

I am not a magical creature.

I am not the reincarnation of Merlin.

I am not Voldemort's illegitimate love child.

Professor Snape did not kill my father and does not deserve to die.

Seamus Finnegan does not have a pot of gold under his bed.

-Or under his robe.

I will not cast 'Petrificus Totalus' on myself in order to avoid going to classes.

I am not allowed to Accio the clothing of any person while they are wearing it.

-Including my own.

I am not allowed to organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentation on Muggle history in my Muggle Studies class.

I will not accept anything edible from a Weasley.

I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them by each other's names.

I will not attempt to make Professor's Trelawney's predictions come true.

Draco Malfoy is not a ferret animagus.

Providing Peeves with a case of dungbombs was a socially irresponsible action, and I will not do it again.

Shouting random Latin phrases while waving my wand is not acceptable charms research.

The teaching staff are not Dumbledore's "Filthy assistants".

Regardless of how much Professor Snape's hair might annoy me, it is innapropriate to sneak into his room at night and shave it off.

-Likewise, it is unkind to make the aforementioned hair into a wig and wear it to potions class.

-Nobody cares that it makes me feel "pretty".

Robes are appropriate school wear. Bathrobes are not.

I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts, A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.

I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.

"OMGWTF" is not a spell.

Cornelius Fudge does not appreciate being called "Fudgie the Whale."

Shouting "Accio Dobby!" is not the proper way to get house-elf assistance.

It is not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes points away from Gryffindor.

I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.

I am not allowed to scare the first-years by screaming "I'm melting! I'm meeeeeeeeeeeltiiing!" while they are in the showers.

I am not allowed to leave the catnip out in Professor McGonagall's class.

I will not give Professor McGonagall catnip, hairball medicine or string for Christmas, no matter how much I think she will like them.

I will not ask if Professor Lupin has had all his shots, such as rabies. Nor will I ask it of Professor McGonagall.

I will not start a rumor saying that Professor Snape sings "I'm too sexy for my robes" to Right Said Fred's I'm too sexy for my shirt, while showering. Or for that matter doing any other activity.

The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife.

I will not get a muggle tattoo artist to tattoo the Dark Mark on any part of my body.

I will not tell 1st year Hufflepuffs that the Dark Lord eats Hufflepuffs for breakfast. Or any other meal. And then tell them that if they inform anyone of the warning the Dark Lord will choose them next.

"Trelawney predicted that I would die in her next class" is not sufficient reason to supspect that she is planning to kill you.

Singing "Wild Thing, you make my heart sing" whenever you see Professor Lupin is not allowed, even though he likes it.

Please stop telling 1st years about the time the Hogwarts Christmas tree ate a student.

Sesame Street(tm) is not the American equivalent of Diagon Alley.

I will not make my broom invisible and then fly/hover over a muggle town/city.

I am not to "walk on water" in front of muggles.

I will not compel Seamus Finnegan to pursue people asking them for their Lucky Charms.

I am not allowed to request Bertie Botts every flavored bean soup to be served to anyone at any time. Even if it is April Fool's day.

I am not to tell Nearly Headless Nick that he'd forget his head if it wasn't attatched, as that is cruel.

I am not to tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights of Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have my friends/other people to call Ni from various directions.

I am not to tell Muggle born that Mrs. Norris and/or Professor McGonagall is related to the Cheshire cat.

Hogwarts is in the UK, thus the United States Constitution does not apply to any of its students. Therefore, 'Avada Kervada' does not fall under First Amendment freedom of speech rights.

The ceiling of the Great Hall would not look better as an OmnIMAX dome.

When called upon in class, I shall not insist that the correct answer to everything is '42'.

"Witches Gone Wild!" is not appropriate material to have at a school.

Headmaster Dumbledore is of no relation to Willy Wonka.

I cannot be a Heffalump animagus.

Am not allowed to give the Gryffindors Pixie Stix.

Cannot lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on which house will come out alive.

Am not allowed to train my frog to attack prefects and/or professors.

Mr. Weasley's flying car is not to be taken apart piece by piece and rebuilt inside Snape's classroom.

Cannot charm all dictionaries to have: "Gryffindor" as the definition of "gullible."

Cannot replace the Quidditch brooms with pogo sticks.

Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparkles.

Announcing "Remember: Save a broomstick! Ride a wizard!" is not an appropriate way to conclude a Quidditch match.

The word "midichlorians" will not be uttered in levitation class. In fact, don't ever mention it.

There is no such thing as the "Hufflepuff Marshmallow Man".

-Even if I do conjure him up.

Running a pool on how big Snapes trouser snake is just on nose size alone... is funny.

-Him finding out? Not so much

Getting Colin Creevey drunk and steering him toward a sleeping Harry Potter is just a bad idea all around.

-Then using his camera to take incriminating photos is not nice.

Coming up behind Harry while he and Draco are glowering at each other and saying "Oh, go on and kiss him already!" is not funny.

-Even if Luna Lovegood does say "Yes, I thought so too."

I am not a Balrog animagus.

Neither is shouting Abracadabra, as it is very likely to be misheard.

The house never did fall on Professor Umbridge's sister, nor is she suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder as a result.

I will not offer Professor McGonagall lasagna.

I will not call Pizza Hut and ask them to deliver to the common room.

I will not leave my mobile phone on Loud during class.

Never ask Professor McGonagall if she can fly with an umbrella with a parrot on the end.

- Never, ever, ever test this.

Frankenstein is not required reading for DADA classes.

-Neither is Dracula.

Using the 'Petrificus Totalus' curse on Draco Malfoy and dumping him in the Gryffindor common room as a Christmas present to the House means you should watch your back until June.

-Especially if the Weasley twins were staying over break.

-If Lee Jordan was there too, you're going to need a bodyguard.

Offering to spike Cho Chang's punch at the Winter Ball in return for a cut of Harry Potter's fortune is frowned on.

The Baba Yaga does not live in the Forbidden Forest.

I will not claim to be able to see the thestrals if I cannot.

-I will not tell first years that "any true wizard or witch" can see thestrals, and that if they can't they "obviously aren't cut out for this school".

Olifant was not the "Horn of Gondor".

I will not try to pass Monopoly money as Muggle currency.

I will not sneak up behind Draco and Harry while they are in their Pissy Staring Snarky Yelling Matches and yell, "SLASH SLASH SLASH! LET'S SEE SOME SLASH!"

I will not draw hentai of Frodo/the Giant Squid, no matter how much we all agree that Frodo is tentacle bait.